CHAPTER ONE- In Which it is the First Day and We Meet Our Cast of Lovely Prepubescent Delinquents

At the edge of town across from the old nuclear plant and near the state park, sits an old, run down building. Some say it used to be a cardboard box factory, others the secret lair of an evil overlord-- but now, it is the Extraordinary Very Intelligent Learning Elementary School, or EVIL Elementary for short. The brick building sits in the middle of a concrete field surrounded by a metal fence topped with barbed wire, like any normal elementary school.

Of course, that would be a misconception: this school is far from ordinary.

Two miles away, an evil air surrounded a group of kids.

Or maybe it was the smell of sewage. In either case…

His name was John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dumm Duuuuuum!).

Actually, it was just John, but John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dumm Duuuuuum!) sounded so much eviler!

…Or, at least, that's what his new foster mommy told him…

John arrived at the bus stop that morning exactly two minutes late, even though it was right outside his house. Cool kids were always late, and John, of course, was a cool kid. No, really. He was also certainly going to be the most evil kid at school this year. He was wearing a brand new, very evil, black cloak, his hair was cut to the perfect evil length, ad he had his super cool, super evil Barney the Purple Dinosaur backpack!

There were two kids at the bus stop already, kids he didn't know. Or maybe he did. Kindergarten through fourth grade were sort of a blur… mainly because he'd been wearing his super cool, super evil Jar Jar Binks mask through those grades. Sadly, it had been thrown away. Oh well, turned out that it wasn't cool after all. But he could compensate for that! No one had ever seen his face, he could remake himself into an evil, cool, Grand High King of the Fifth Grade!!!

He walked up to the two kids and immediately said. "Hi! I'm John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dumm Duuuuuum!)! I'm the kid who wore the Jar Jar Binks mask!"


The two kids stared at him.

"I mean, uh, just kidding! That mask was so uncool! I'm a, uh, exchange student! Yes!"

The smaller of the two kids' eyes widened. "Whoa, seriously? Like, from Russia?"

John blinked. "No… um… from…" He pointed behind him, at his house. "There!"

"Whoa! That's, like far away!" The smaller boy said, gazing across John's front yard, which was quite grandiose and vast… with lawn gnomes and flamingoes, of course. "But not as far away as Russia! Silent Jim here's cousin, Olaf, he's from Russia. He, like, sings this song about being a berserker and stuff…"

John blinked again. "Oh, uh, cool…"

"Yeah, definitely!" said the smaller boy. The taller boy, whose hair was blond under his over-sized, backwards turned Mooby the Cow cap, nodded.

"Um, anyway, I'm Ian, and this is Jim." The smaller boy- Ian- said. "We live down the street, like, across from the Quick Stop."

"Well, Ian, Jim, let me let you two in on a little secret…" He glanced around. "If you want to be cool, you have to do everything I say!"

"Makes sense to me!" Ian said, glancing reverently at John's Barney back pack.

"But first, you two need much more evil names!" John thought for a moment. "You could be… Ian, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dumm Duuuuuum!)!"


"No, wait, that's me." John frowned. At that point, Ian reached into his back pack and pulled out a bag of canine fecal matter. Better known as dog shit. Ian opened it and prodded it with his finger. Then he looked at his dirty finger and wiped it on Jim's massive overcoat.

"Ewwwww!" John shrieked. "That's icky! That's yucky! That's… that's… nasty!"

Jim nodded, as if to say: "Yeah, he's pretty nasty."

Ian grinned. "Yep, there's very few people as nasty as me!"

John snapped his fingers. "That's it! You can be Ian, King of Bags of Poop That He Touches and Then Rubs On Other People!!"

They stared at him.

"Or King of Unparalleled Nastiness, whatever…"

"Yeah… I'm gonna go with that…" Ian said. "Oh, hey, what about Jim?"

John cocked his head. "Well, he's sorta… quiet."

"Silent, even!" Ian said.

Jim took out a piece of paper and scribbled on it. John read it.

"Taciturn Jim. Hmm… what does tacitititurn mean?" John asked.

Jim sighed, and pointed at his mouth.

"It means you eat a lot?"

"He does!" Ian chimed in. "He's got more food in him than a… a… lunchbox! Hey! That's a good nickname! Lunchbox!"

Jim whacked Ian upside the head.

"How about, uh, Silent Jim?" John suggested.

Jim shrugged and nodded.

"What about me? Do I get a nickname?" A voice said. All three jumped and found a strange looking girl standing next to them.

"EEEEEE!!" John cried. Then he composed himself. "I mean, uh, hey! I'm John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dumm Duuuuuum!)!"

The girl nodded. "Jar Jar Binks mask got thrown out, huh?"

"I know not of this Jar Jar Binks mask of which you speak." John said automatically.

"Um, right. Anyway, I'm Ilinana, but my friends call me Ili."

"Um, okay, Ili." John said.

Ili leaned forward, gave him an odd look. "I said only my friends called me Ili. Who says you're my friend?"

John blinked, looked around. "Uh… Silent Jim did."

Ili looked over at Silent Jim. "Oh, okay!" She paused, cocked her head. "Do you hear that?"

John, thinking it was some sort of game, said. "Yes, I hear it! It is the future, and it is ringing out to us! This year shall be carved on the hallowed walls of history, and we shall be remembered as the rulers of the fifth grade, of the school, dare I say it, the entire WORLD!!!! But only if we form a pact, right here, right now, to fight side by side… and obey every word I say… from this day onto VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!"

Ili blinked. "Um, I was going to say I heard someone sneaking up on us, but, um, yeah, whatever you said!"

Ian and Silent Jim nodded.

"Wait, you said someone was sneaking up on us?" John said. He turned to Ian and Jim. "You two! Protect the, uh, perimeter! Search and destroy! Divide and conquer! Ten seconds on base and no baby sitting!"

Ian and Jim somehow figured out what to do, and turned around and ran in circles until they were unconscious.

"Just like my eighth birthday party." Ili said, nodding sagely.

"Ahem," Said a little girl, stepping out from behind Ili.

"EEEEE!" John cried again, but this time jumped up on top of the street sign.

The little girl, who was much younger than the other four, a kindergartner, in fact, looked up at John and shook her head sadly.

"You guys are pathetic." She said.

"No we aren't! We're not papethnicitylictic!" John said, climbing down from the street sign. Ian and Silent Jim were recovering. "We're cool and evil, and I'm the coolest and evilest of all!"

The girl shook her head. "You're not evil or cool. And you least of all, Mr. Barney Back Pack."

"Hey! Barney's cool!" John said defensively.

"Roses says they aren't."

John's face darkened. "Oh yes, Roses. She has been a thorn in my side for much too long! But she shall pay! Oh, she shall PAY!!!!!" He noticed the others were staring at him. "Um, who are you, anyway?"

"I'm Katherine." The little girl said.

"Uh, wanna join our evil alliance?"

"Nope. Roses told me that all fifth graders are dorks."

"We're not dorks!" John exclaimed.

"May I point out the Barney back pack again?" Katherine asked.

John fumed, and then stalked off into his garage, mumbling. A few seconds later, he reappeared, his backpack covered in black paint.

"There! Happy?"

Katherine shrugged. "I will be while watching you four flail around like chicken's with your heads cut off."



"Hey, do you hear that?" Ili asked again.

John was about to launch into another speech when he heard it too. A low rumbling.

"Bus!" Ian cried.

"Bus!" Ili agreed.

Silent Jim gestured excitedly.

"Yeah, it's a bus." Katherine said.

"Everyone, everyone! Let's be mature about this!" John said, straightening himself up. The bus pulled up to the curb and the door swung open.

"BACK SEAT BACK SEAT! I GET THE BACK SEAT!" John yelled, and ran onto the bus, dragging his dripping back pack behind him.


About a mile away, six kids sit patiently at a corner, waiting for their bus. They appear to be no more than twelve years old, normal school kids, but each is distinct in their characteristics.

The eldest of the group is a girl named Roses. She is a pretty, dark haired girl with mastermind intelligence. She is sitting on a dirty blonde haired boy who looks like he doesn't know whether to be angry or pleased with the situation.

"Roses!" he finally yells, "I'm all wet and muddy! My mommy picked this outfit out special for me!"

Roses and three other girls laugh. The nearest one bends down so her face is inches away from the boy's; she, too, has dark hair. "Roser, Roser, Roser," she sighs and pats him on the head.

"Roses…"Roser whines and begins to struggle.

"I think, while he's down there, you should make him find some worms," suggests a third girl. She's the youngest of the group, but her hair is blonde, streaked with crimson.

"You're not going to put a worm in--" the forth girl spoke, pausing to look at a little white slip of paper. "Mr. Snape's Apple, are you, Tails?" This girl had short, fiery red hair: it was obviously dyed, too.

"No…" Tails lied.

"Well, I brought some of that candy that makes your tongue turn blue, I thought we could use that this year!"

"Holli-- you are a genius." Tails laughed. "Can we test it out on Tyrael?" The two looked over to the last member of the group, a ten-year-old boy who was sitting slightly distanced from the rest.

"I am not eating anything either of you give to me," he remarked. "Hey, look, the bus!" Tyrael jumped up, grabbed his book bag, and raced to the edge of the corner.

"Joy…" The others droned and rolled their eyes, except for Roser, who was whining about the grass stain on his pants.

"Bus bus bus bus!" clapped Tyrael. He was the first one on, and raced to the back seat. Unfortunately, it was occupied by several delinquent looking individuals.

"Hello John," Roses said, pushing past Tyrael. "I hear you and your friends are fifth graders this year."

"Well I hear you are sixth graders," John returned. For some reason, the tallest of the three boys thought this was hilarious.

"Yes, yes we are," answered Ann. "And you know what that means?"

"WHAT JAR JAR BINKS MASK? Oh, uh…I mean no…" trailed John. The boy next to him, who didn't seem to be the talkative type, poked John and began making some wild motions with his hands.

"What now, Jim? There's a giant bird following the bus?" Jim shook his head, and tried to explain, but it was too late.

"Wedgies for the fifth graders!" announced the three sixth graders. Wide eyed, John and his cronies raced from their seats and found themselves in the front of the bus with the kindergarteners.

"Oww!!" shouted John. Katherine had just pinched him forcefully; he sat on her Lisa Frank Lunch Box.

"That was fun," remarked Ann and slid in one booth.

"Yea, it's good to be king," yawned Roser and laid in the other. However, he was soon forced to move in by Tyrael and his oversized backpack.

"So, what do you guys think is going to happen this year?" Holli asked. "Since we're fifth graders," she referred to Tails, Tyrael, and herself, "we get to go to that dance this year."

"Oh dear…" sighed Roses.

"There's a new sixth grade teacher, I wonder if he likes art?" wondered Ann out loud.

"I bet he's a big red eyeball," spoke Roser-- he was ignored.

"I heard the fifth grade teacher was really tough, and he turns kids he doesn't like into newts!" exclaimed Tails.

"I want to be a newt!" shouted Tyrael. "I'd get to be all newty, and do a newt dance."

Tails looked at her male friend, "You're weird."


"ANYWAY," interrupted Roses. "Look, we're here!" She pointed to the school that appeared in the distant fog. The bus stopped at the entrance, they all climbed off and went inside. Students filled the hallways, talking to each other.

"Come on guys, sixth grade is this way." Roses pushed through the crowd, dragging Ann with her. "We have to get good seats and get our lockers."

Roseidous followed them; Tails and Holli pulled Tyrael the other way. They stood in line in their room to get fifth grade lockers.

"Yay! I got a top one!" Holli said happily, taking her combination from an unpleasant looking man with long black hair, a big nose, and pale skin.

"Me too!" Tails said, comparing their numbers. "Right next to each other! What did you get Tyrael?"

He held out his paper.

"Oh good, we're all together. Yours is the one under mine! Thanks Mr. Snape! See you after the assembly!"

"That's Professor Snape…" the teacher muttered under his breath as they walked away.

John and his friends were just arriving at the classroom. Tails punched him when she went by. An announcement came over the intercom.

"Attention students. This is Mr. Gates, your principal. All older students must be sure to check in with their homeroom teachers before attending the Welcome Back assembly in the auditorium. Please be seated on time. The younger students will be escorted by their teachers. Thank you."

"Great. The same assembly as last year." Tyrael said.

"Probably the same speech, too. Right, Holli? Holli?…."

Holli didn't respond to Tails. She was too busy looking down the hallway. Tails followed her line of vision. Holli was staring at a boy who seemed to be their age. He had very blond hair and was very, very cute.

"Who. Is. That?"

"I don't know, but he's going to be mine." Holli managed to say.

He approached them, smiling.

"I'm sorry, maybe you can tell me how to get to the fifth grade room? I seem to be a little lost."

Holli stared at him, and pointed behind her.

"Thanks. See you around."

He disappeared into the room.

Tails grabbed Holli, put her arm down, and steered her towards the assembly. "He has an English accent!" she squealed. "And he's in our class!"

"Yes…" Holli said dreamily.

Meanwhile, Roses, Ann, and Roseidous were opening their new lockers.

"We'll never get away with anything! He'll see us!" Ann complained.

"I know! It's just our luck we'd get the teacher who's a giant eye." Roses agreed.

Roseidous looked up from his locker. "I told you Mr. Sauron was an eye."

"At least we can get away with stuff at the assembly." Roses ignored him, almost dropping a folder on his head.

"True. But we better hurry if we want the good seats." Ann closed her locker and they headed for the auditorium.

"Hey, I wonder if Mr. Sauron and Mr. Crayak are related?" Roses wondered, pushing through the people trying to get to the assembly before they were late.

"Probably. Let's ask Mr. Rodgers later. I think he's teaching kindergarten this year. He'll always talk to us."

Rosey shuddered. "The way he made us all sing together…it was so happy all the time. They shouldn't subject those little kids to such evil torture. It's cruel. Not to mention creepy."

They walked into the room full of students. Holli, Tails, and Tyrael waved at them from the back row. They made their way to the seats the fifth graders had saved and sat down just in time for the lights to dim.

A spotlight centered on a scrawny, thin man in glasses who stood before a podium. "Hello everyone, and welcome to a new year at Extraordinary Very Intelligent Learning Elementary School, a year that we all hope will be the best yet! For the benefit of the new kindergartners, transfers, and John, who has finally taken off that damned Jar Jar Binks mask, I will now introduce the faculty and administration of EVIL Elementary.

"I, as you know, am Principal Bill Gates, and, of course, I'm the principal. For the rest of the year- I AM YOUR GOD!!!!!!!! At my word you will go on frenzied computer binges, and give me all your money, and work in cubicles! You WILL bow to Windows and you WILL destroy all other services and the world will be mine! MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He paused, cleared his throat.

Roses turned to Ann and grinned. "Now," she whispered, getting up from her seat. Tails and Holli looked at her, confused, but she only winked as she and Ann disappeared into the shadows.

"Ahem, and, uh, Linux products are forbidden from school grounds. Now, moving on. This is our vice principal, and one of the people who keeps this school running smoothly, Mr. Satan."

There was applause as Mr. Gates gestured at the figure standing next to him. He was tall and muscular, unnaturally so, with skin the color of cherry Kool-Aid. Two large horns protruded from his head, and an evil grin filled his lips. He wore a black business suit with a blue bowtie, giving him the appearance of a sophisticated ruler of the underworld. An ambiance of incomprehensible darkness radiated from him and seemed to fill the room. The applause faltered and died off.

"Assisting us in the Administration Office will be our new secretary, Mr. Randall Flagg."

The applause started and faltered out again under the amused gaze of Mr. Flagg's red eyes. It was the sort of amusement that was only found in the eyes of people who enjoyed torturing rats and puppies. Like Mr. Satan, an aura of evil surrounded him, but there was something more palpable about it- maybe in the fact that Flagg was human, an attractive man wearing jeans, a dark jacket that belted at the waist and a pair of rundown cowboy boots.

"Oh, um, and also assisting us: Superintendent Yoda." Mr. Gates said, not at all pleased.

"Here to prevent abuses of power, am I." Mr. Yoda said. He glanced at Mr. Gates. "Prevent monopolies, too, shall I."

A dirty-blond haired fifth grader, whose name was also incidentally Yoda, stood up and started to applaud wildly. Then he noticed that no one else was, and sat down.

Mr. Gates frowned, but then moved on. "Then there are the hardworking people in our School Services department. All of our older students, of course, know Mr. Gollum, our sanitarian."

"YEAH! JA-NI-TOR!" Ian yelled, as everyone applauded the slimy, hunched creature that stared dimly from the shadows on the stage.

"I am not a janitor," Mr. Gollum gurgled. "I am a sssssssssssanitary engineer."

There was silence, and then Ian yelled:


And the applause started again. Mr. Gollum glared out at them and muttered something about revenge.

"Great Job, Ian," Holli laughed and thwacked the boy in the head. John turned around and looked at her.

"That was mea--hey, where did Roses go?" He asked, his tone acidic.

"She went...somewhere," Holli answered.

"The little girls room, with Ann," embellished Tails.

John raised an eyebrow. "Roses never uses the bathroom until at least 9:27 am, it's only 8:43."

"She drank a lot of orange juice this morning," Tails lied.

"You're lying, aren't you?"


"I bet Roses and Ann are plotting something evil-- and I'm going to find out what it is and tattle!"

Tails and Holli looked at each other, smirking. "Okay," they answered and returned their attention to Mr. Gates.

"We have some changes in the cafeteria," Mr. Gates said. "Sadly, our former lunch server, Mr. Lechter was taken off to a psychiatric ward over the summer, so he has been replaced by two new servers: Jay and Silent Bob!"

As the rest of the school applauded the two dazed looking men who were shoved onstage, Ian turned to Silent Jim.


Silent Jim shrugged.

After Jay and Silent Bob left the stage- actually, Jay fell off, and Silent Bob had to go and pick him up. But anyway, after that, Mr. Gates continued:

"There have also been changes in the Nurses Office. Nurse Ratched had to return to her job at Oregon State Hospital. Fortunately, she has been replaced by Ms. Annie Wilkes!"

There was applause as Ms. Wilkes looked up from sharpening her axe, smiled and waved. Unfortunately, she waved the axe and almost beheaded Mr. Gollum.

"Now, onto our special classes teachers: as per usual, Miss Agatha Trunchbull will be teaching our physical education classes!"

A loud groan went up from the older kids, as Miss Trunchbull fingered the whistle around her neck sadistically. She was a huge woman, gigantic, and not very nice, either.

Mr. Gates continued. "Mr. Crayak will be teaching art!"

Mr. Crayak did as much of a bow as he could from up on stage, actually, he only sort of leaned over--being that he was a giant red eye, like Mr. Sauron. From in the audience, Mr. Sauron yelled. "You suck!"

His sixth graders immediately started cat calling. Mr. Crayak hurled a ball of fire at Mr. Sauron, and then returned to his seat.

"And, of course, our music teacher, Miss Ligeia."

The applause started, but immediately stopped when Miss Ligeia stood up. She was a Siren, with eyes the color of the Mediterranean. Not as intimidating as Mr. Satan, or Mr. Flagg, or even Miss Trunchbull, but something about her commanded an uneasy respect, especially from the boys who gazed longingly at her.

When she had sat down, Mr. Gates said: "And, of course, the teachers for each grade- Mr. Rogers for kindergarten!"

Mr. Rogers, dressed in his signature cardigan, waved amiably as the students applauded.

"Mr. Hagrid for first grade!"

The large, hairy man with eyes like beetles smiled as the students applauded, some very loudly. He was a favorite teacher, especially because of the exotic class pets he provided.

"Mr. Vader for second grade!"

The students knew better than to clap. A black-cloaked figure stood on stage, his face hidden behind a mask. He gazed over the audience, breathing deeply, before returning to his seat in the front row.

"Monsieur Lestat for third grade!" A pale, blond man lazily strode onto the stage. He took a graceful bow, blowing a kiss to Miss Ligeia, and stepped down.

The students applauded this time, and Ili stood on her chair and jumped up and down, shouting something about "Bloodsuckers forever!"

"Mr. Jafar for fourth grade!" A thin man dressed elegantly in black and red robes walked onto the stage. His fingers were decorated with rings, and his eyes lined with ebony. There was some more clapping and one of the sixth graders yelled, "Where's your parrot!"

Another spoke, "Get back in your lamp!" Jafar growled, pointing his staff into the audience where the student disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"Mr. Snape for fifth grade!"

Once again, the students knew better than to clap for the tall, black-cloaked man.

"And, of course, Mr. Sauron!"

"Sucks!" Mr. Crayak yelled from his seat. Mr. Gates frowned again.

"Ahem, Mr. Sauron, for sixth grade."

More applause.

"Now that that's out of the way," Mr. Gates said, tossing some papers off his podium. "Let's talk about some specifics for the school year! As you know, last year's Oreo and Brownie drive went so well, we are able to afford field trips for all grades this year! Your teachers will inform you as to where your trip will be. Also, there will be the traditional end of the year dance, with fifth and sixth graders attending,"

Someone in the crowd yelled "HELL YEAH!" and someone else yelled "BRING ON THE GIRLS!" Surprisingly, it was not Roseidous and Tyrael-- but the Nothlit and Chris- the "responsible" sixth graders who were at the top of the class.

"Ahem, anyway, we will also be having the annual field day, where we will be employing new tactics of manipulation, cheating and assassination to actually win this year." Gates paused, disturbed by the glare he was receiving from Mr. Yoda. He coughed and continued, "Now, if there isn't anything else..."

"TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS!" Someone yelled.

Mr. Snape moved like a snake, snapped something in Latin and a bolt of light burst from the tip of his wand. The loudmouth was immediately turned into a frog.

"Yes, now, if there isn't anything else, let's start our school year off to a good start with the EVIL Elementary theme song!" Mr. Gates clapped his hands and Miss Ligeia began to sing the first notes-- unfortunately, she was interrupted by the sound of water running through pipes.

Several of the teachers groaned and held binders over their head while Mr. Gates stood pondering what the sound could be. He was soon answered as water began to rain down from the ceiling. A panic spread through the audience as students struggled for cover.

"Silence!" Professor Snape commanded; the response was immediate as the sound fell only to that of the pouring water. Unfortunately, this did not last for long as the auditorium doors flung open, with John, Lord of Darkness, standing in the doorway.

"Roses and Ann," he gasped, not realizing that the two had returned to their seats and were smiling maliciously. "They--"

Poor John was unable to finish his sentence as Professor Snape was now at his side, clenching the shoulder of his shirt.

"You are responsible for this, Jonathan Thaddeus Crawford, aren't you?"

"N-n-n-no, sir," John cowered before his teacher.

"Thaddeus?" Tyrael grinned. "You're middle name is Thaddeus?" His question was left unanswered; the rest of the students remained silent...or at least tried to as they stifled their laughter.

"Thought you'd start the year off with a bang, eh? Well, you've accomplished just that- 50 points from Gryffindor!" Snape paused. "I mean, detention!"

John pouted and followed Snape back to the fifth grade room as the rest of the students also headed to their appropriate classrooms.

"Gollum, fix this," order Gates as he, Mr. Satan, and their secretary headed to their offices to plot.

"Yesssss, Mr. Gatessss," Gollum spoke hoarsely and disappeared into the shadows.


"Was that you two?" Holli asked her sixth grade friends, excited.

"Yea, we found the controls for the emergency sprinklers last year," answered Ann.

"And we've been dying to use them!" continued Roses.

"But poor John, he's going to get detention," smirked Tails.

"Eh, he'll prolly enjoy it. Most likely, Mr. Satan will make him be a Hall Monitor in the kindergarten hallway. What he really has to worry about is Professor Snape." Roseidous shivered as he said the name.

"Hey, Professor Snape was cool!" Roses argued.

"So says the one who didn't have to clean erasers after school everyday for almost the entire year just because he called him Mr. Snape by accident."

"But he did warn you, Roser- and you did it twice," scolded Ann. "Come on, we have to get to class. Bye Holli, Bye Tails, Bye Tyrael."

"Bye!" The three answered and turned into their own classroom.


The sash was bright orange, and John wore it like a bandoleer- strapped across his chest. A similarly bright orange cap, emblazoned with the EVIL Elementary crest, sat upon his head. A silver whistle hung around his neck on a string that was striped black and yellow. A pad of late slips hung from one side of his belt, a pad of detention slips from the other. There was a supply of hall passes, secure in his back pocket. He'd hand them out to tardy students... for a price. He was the hall monitor.

John strolled down the kindergarten halls- his beat. At the end of every class, Mr. Satan warped him here to monitor the kindergarteners go between classes. He even got one class off a day (the class changed each day- he didn't even know which he was excused from until Mr. Satan worked his whim wham- not that he was complaining about being excused from Professor Snape's class), in which he monitored the hall for the entire period, making sure no one was lingering in the halls. He shared the duty with others, trading off shifts at the end of each during-class session. He hated to imagine what it was like on their shifts- none of them were as intelligent or powerful as John, obviously.

John was snapped out of his thoughts as he walked into a wall.

"Oooooh! Owies! Owies owies owies!"

He turned around, gingerly holding his nose, and noticed that the kindergarteners had stopped walking, staring.

"Owies... HEY! All of you! Proceed to your next class or I'll write you all up! Hut two three four! Get to it! Giddy up!"

The kindergarteners giggled and started to move on. Yep, he owned these people.

One didn't move. Katherine. The one who had scar- er, surprised him at the bus stop. The one who said he was pathetic. She was a troublemaker, alright- John knew one when he saw one (even if it was only his first day on the job...).

"You! Move along! Don't make me blow my whistle!" He said.

Katherine just shook her head.

John was confused. Why was she not bending to his superior will power? Shouldn't she be scurrying to class, like his parents scurried from him at home? He checked again. Nope, nope she was still just standing there.

Well then. He'd just have to make an example out of her.

John strode up. "Okay, little missy, you are in direct violation of EVIL Elementary hall code #450067... or 45, I always get those mixed up... anyway! I'm going to have to write you up!"

John tore a late slip from his pad.

"You can't give me one of those. I'm not late for class yet." Katherine said, trying not to laugh.

John frowned. "Well then, I suppose you'd like a detention slip better?"

"You can't give me detention!" Katherine exclaimed. A gang of kindergarteners had formed behind her.

"Oh yes I can! I'm the hall monitor! See the sash?" He held out his sash for all to see. They didn't ooh and ahh as he had expected them to. Strange. "I can do anything I want! I have the power here! The second you step through that classroom door, you are mine! I am your master! I am your king! I am your GOD!!!!!!!"

Silence. The kindergarteners stared at him.

Excellent! I've awed them with my amazing presence! Now to get them on their ways...

He was about to blow his shiny whistle- for the first time!- when Katherine darted forwards and poked him.

"Owies! Hey! That wasn't nice!" John exclaimed. The kindergarteners giggled.

Another kid ran up and poked John. And another. And another!

"Hey! Owies! Stop that! I'll write you all up! All of you! Don't make me blow my- owies!- whistle!"

Kindergarteners were flooding from the classrooms now, carrying pencils and other objects to poke John with. It was about then that he decided it would be a good idea to leave.

John ran a few feet away, then stopped and yelled back: "You'll live to regret this! All of you! No one defies John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Du-"

Katherine's crushed Lisa Frank lunch box nailed John in the forehead and he fell over.


"GET HIM!" Katherine crowed, and John looked up to see a mob of kindergarteners rushing towards him.

With a girly- er- glorious shriek- er- Apache war cry- John fled down the hall-

-And right into Professor Snape.

John looked up into Snape's narrowed eyes, which he could just see around that beak he called a nose. He smiled weakly.

"Um, hi, Mr. Snape."

Snape's eyes widened.

" What did you just call me?"

"Mr- er, um- Professor! Professor Snape! Yes! Snape... Professor... said... I..."

"Running through the halls, obstructing the path of a faculty member, lying to that same faculty member, and leading the kindergarteners to riotous behavior. What sort of punishment do you think that demands, Mr. Crawford?"

John blinked. "Um... a slap on the wrist?"

"How about detention. For a week. And cleaning Mr. Hagrid's pet cages. All of them."

"That sounds wonderful to me, sir!" He cocked his head. "Oh! That's the bell! Time for me to enter your wonderful class and continue my learning experience!"

"That is the bell." Snape said. "So, you're late for class as well. As punishment for that, I want you to write me a composition on why we should not be tardy for class."

"Sir, yes, sir!" John said.

Snape gave him a look.

"Ahem, I mean, uh, Professor, yes, Professor!"

"Better. Now get to class!"

John walked into the classroom, grumbling to himself as he took off his sash, hat, and the rest of his equipment. He took a seat behind Ian.

Snape walked in. "Now that the Talented Mr. Dougherty is here we can begin class." He said, and turned to the black board.

John looked down at his desk. There was a lot of graffiti on it:

"Hondo is a cosita"

"Prof. Snape looks like a BIRD!"

"Snape- Taste the Rainbow!"

"RoSur is kewl"

John's eyes reached the end of the desk, and he focused on the floor. There was no graffiti on the floor, but there was dirt. Dirt was dirty. Very dirty. Where there was dirt, there would always be-

A pen hit the floor. John, mistaking it for a hand grenade, slammed his foot down on it and tried to smother it into the floor. Satisfied, he looked up and saw- a face.

It was a mostly symmetrical face, with accentuated cheek bones and a too-pert nose. The skin on the face was a few shades darker than John's, and perfectly centered were two emerald eyes. Thick, black curls framed it. It was a girl's face.

She said: "You're crushing my pen."

John said: "..."

She said: "No, really, you're crushing my pen."

John said: "...ggggg"

She blinked. "Can you just, um, give me my pen?"

John's brain clicked. Pen. Foot. Hers. Oh.

He reached down and picked up the half destroyed pen and handed it to her.

"This is yours."

She nodded slowly. "Yes. That's why I wanted it."

"And now you have it."

"I... guess... so..." She glanced around nervously.

"John... am... I..."

"Um, okay... I'm Ebony... wait a second! You're the kid in the Jar Jar Binks mask!"

"I KNOW NO JAR JAR BINKS MASK!" John shrieked.

Everyone turned to look at him.

Up at the board, a piece of chalk shuddered and exploded in Snape's hand.

"Who... did... that...?"

"Uh... it was Silent Jim!" John exclaimed. Silent Jim, who had been asleep, sat up and looked around, startled.

Snape's face darkened. "I see. Mr. Dixon, may I have a word with you?"

He hauled Jim up by the neck of his overcoat and dragged him outside.

Ian waved. "Bye Silent Jim! Byyyyyye!" He turned around to look at John. "Why does Silent Jim always get to go on vacation?"

John was still gaping at Ebony, who was trying to find a new pen.

John leaned over to Ian and grabbed him by the collar.

"How long has she been here?!" He whispered.

"Who? Ebony Trester? Like, forever!"

"She can't be! I don't remember her!"

"Well, you were wearing the Jar Jar Binks mask..."

"Ah, of course..." He paused. "You don't think she knows it was me, do you?"

"Isn't that what she just said?"

"Oh... yeah..."

Curses! John thought. Foiled again by that cursed Gungan! Now I'll have to work extra hard to look cool! Maybe if I crush another one of her pens...

Just then, Silent Jim walked shakily back into the room. He glared at John and then sat down. Snape followed.

"Now, back to the lesson. And if I hear any more outbursts like that again-"

"You'll turn us into newts?" Tyrael chimed in hopefully.

"No, I'll let you join Mr. Dougherty and Mr. Dixon in cleaning Mr. Hagrid's pet cages. Would you like that?"

Tyrael shrunk into his seat.

"Good, now, as I was saying..."

Snape droned on, and John probably absorbed something from it all, but out of the corner of his eyes he could still see the dark form of the called Ebony.

"Professor Snape!" A gurgled voice came over the intercom. "There is a problem in the janitor's closet regarding your supplies."

Snaped sighed. "Can't you fools take care of it yourself!"

"Gollum has been turned into a rat, Professor."

"Coming," Snape growled and marched out of the room, leaving the students to chatter aimlessly.

"Hi!" Holli spoke happily as she took an empty seat beside the previously mentioned good looking British foreign exchange student. "I'm Holli."

The boy raised an eyebrow, surprised by the introduction. "My name's Draco, Draco Malfoy."

"Are you from Britain?" she asked dreamily.

"Yes..." he trailed off. "I'm only in this school for a year, until I'm accepted at, well, you wouldn't understand."

Holli's jaw dropped, feeling herself insulted. "Excuse me?"

"Someone like yourself-- well, first of all, you're an American."

"Is that a problem?" Holli stood up from her seat and was soon joined by several of her female friends.

"No! no, not at all." Draco stumbled out each syllable. "It's simply, you see, the distance!"

"You're lying to me." Holli spoke sharply, her eyes fiery. "People who lie to me get hurt...badly."

"You're bluffing!" the boy returned; Holli smirked. Soon, Draco found himself smirking as well. With a wink, Holli moved back to the other side of the room to sit by Tails.

"He's mine." she whispered.

Tails giggled. "I can see that: he keeps looking over here and blush--"

Suddenly, a slam of the door interrupted all conversations.

"As I was saying before, for the next nine months I will be the teacher of you unfortunate twerps. You will learn the basics of math, science, literature, and whatever other silly junk Superintendent Yoda wants you to learn, as well as certain other," he paused to click his tongue, "things. Well, well, well. Mr. Tyrael, it seems you find a magazine under your desk more interesting than my lecture?"

"Yes, sir." Tyrael responded, smartly.

"He's trying to get in trouble." Tails whispered to Holli. "He wants to be a newt."

"Perhaps you would like to read an excerpt from that magazine aloud?"

Tyrael suddenly went pink. "No, sir."

"No, no, Mr. Tyrael. Stand up and read the passage."

Nervously, Tyrael stood and walked to the head of the class. He held the magazine up, folding one page over so to hide the cover.

"Skateboarding is a popular--"

"Not that article, Mr. Tyrael. The other one."

Tyrael gulped. "Finding the right lipstick can totally transform the way boys look at you. Even the slightest touch of lip gloss can create a new you so amazing, all the boys will drool over you."

At that the class burst into laughter, several boys cat called Tyrael from the back of the classroom.

"Tyrael, is this why you wanted to borrow my very cherry lipstick?" Tails shouted, causing further laughter to erupt.

"I don't know, I think he's more of a pastel pink!" whooped Yoda Jr. from the other end of the room.

"Now now, that's enough, class. " Snape smirked. "Perhaps, Mr. Tyrael, you will be wiser than to not pay attention?"

"Yea, I'll bring a motorcycle magazine instead of borrowing one of Tails'..." he mumbled and returned to his seat.

Meanwhile, in the forth grade classroom...

Ilinana slid into a seat a mere two seconds before the bell rang. Mr. Jafar was at the board, writing his name on it with a dry erase marker. It made a squeegee noise as he pressed down with it too hard.

Ili frowned, then shrugged. This was her third year at the school, and all the teachers were weird (or deranged). Although, Mr. Lestat had been pretty cool. She'd never had an encounter with Mr. Jafar, and didn't know what to think of him.

"Now, class," Mr. Jafar turned to face them, speaking with a weird accent. "we're going to learn science. Isn't that fun?"

Someone raised a hand. "No?"

Jafar glared at the person. It was a boy. "I wasn't asking you, why you little- I mean...I'm glad to have a volunteer." He stroked his beard. "Come up here, uh....whatever your name is."

The kid stood, glanced around for help, and then stood at the front of the room. Jafar glanced around the room, nodding and stroking his beard. He held up his staff with a snake's head and spoke to the boy in low tones.

" a dog!" Ilinana was sitting in the front of the room, and so she heard Mr. Jafar's words.

The kid bowed, then started running around, barking like a dog.

"Today in science we'll study hypnotism. Observe, if you will, Mr..ah...Aboodog..."

"AniDog." Somebody said. Mr. Jafar glared at them. He waved his arm, and said, "Iago!" Suddenly a parrot appeared. He was red with blue, green, and purple tail feathers. The girl who had spoken was suddenly chained to a wall and the bird stuffed her mouth full of crackers.

Mr. Jafar couldn't seem to remember anyone's name and talked slowly, except when he was really furious, and then he'd chain people to the wall and either throw fireballs at them (Mr. Jafar was a genie and since genies can't kill you...well, you'd be surprised what you can live through), or his parrot, Iago, would stuff their mouths' full with crackers.

" not..appreciate....interruptions." Mr. Jafar breathed. "Now, where was I? Oh yes. Teaching Mr. Aaadoog a"

Mr. Jafar did several other demonstrations of hypnotizing AniDog, and then allowed him to return to his seat. His eyes were kind of glazed, and every once in awhile he would scratch behind his ear like a real dog.

"Homework: read pages ten through forty-five and summarize. Due tomorrow." A hand shot up. "What is it, uhh...Ms. Majere?"

"You haven't given us our textbooks yet, Mr. Jafar!" Kit smiled crookedly around at everyone.

"Oh...quite." He waved his staff vaguely and books appeared in front of everyone. They were bound in rough, blood-red leather material, and had a picture of a snake staff on the cover.

He alternated lessons between "Hypnotism and other useful Magicks" and "How to take over Desert Empires in Two Years or Less- AND PLOT REVENGE ON FOOLS THAT DARE TO OPPOSE YOU!" Mr. Jafar got very touchy at some subjects, like Middle Eastern history, or the book Arabian Nights, and automatically gave detentions or worse to people who dared use the phrase 'diamond in the rough'.

Someone coughed, and started to whisper in the back of the room. Jafar whirled around, shot a bolt of what looked like lightning from his fingers, and the person was chained to the wall. Iago started stuffing his mouth with crackers.

The most (and only) dreaded fate a person faced when angering Mr. Jafar was to be thrown into the Pit. No one knew what Mr. Jafar kept in it, but those who went in never, ever annoyed him again. Which was why Ilinana decided she, Kit (the two had become good friends after a spending lunch together.), and Verden Leafglow (she was a bit strange, what with the green hair and all) should check it out.

In the sixth grade room, Roses raised her hand.

Mr. Sauron saw her and sighed. Or, at least appeared to sigh as much as a giant, flaming eye can. Everyone else in the classroom sighed, too. Except Ann, who grinned.

"Yes, Roses? What is it now?"

"You spelled that wrong. Tomorrow has two r's, not two m's."

"Well thank you for pointing that out. That's the 12th mistake you've found in my spelling and grammar today. And it's not even lunchtime yet."

"Get used to it." Roseidous offered helpfully. "She'll do it all year."

Mr. Sauron started to say something, but there was a sudden commotion in the hallway. The entire class watched as John ran past, followed by Professor Snape. A few minutes later, Professor Snape hurried in the other direction, yelling something about a rat at Mr. Sauron. Mr. Sauron floated into the hallway. "Do not move!" he yelled behind him.

Ann turned to talk to Roses. "Wonder what he did now."

"He is not having a very good day." Roses was trying to hide her amusement, but failing miserably.

"I don't know what he did, but I know what you two did."

The entire class, who had been listening to the girls, turned to look at a figure sitting in the very back of the room.

"Who are you?" Ann demanded. "I've never seen you before. Are you new?"

He stared at her in silence.

"Girls, let me introduce you." Nothlit stood up and walked towards their desks. "This is Umar. And he just moved in next door to me."

"What does he mean, he knows what we did?"

Nothlit shrugged and looked at Umar.

"I saw you at the assembly. John didn't set off the sprinkler system, you did. You seem to have something against him as it is."

"Well, you certainly are observant. And if you must know, we have a right to be really mean to him. He is our brother, after all." Roses told him.

"Yes," Roseidous nodded. "We don't like him because he got all the attention from Dad. At least until our parents disappeared. That's why we all live in different houses, and the psychiatrist, Dr. Lansky, says that's why John wore the Jar Jar Binks mask."

"Sounds like you all need therapy." Umar suggested.

Roses glared at him. "How did you find out that we set off the sprinklers anyway?"

"My parents are spies who used to work for the government of a country in Europe that I'm not allowed to name. You wouldn't believe all the stuff I notice. Or all of the special equipment we have at our house."

Nothlit looked at him nervously.

"For example," Umar smiled a very mysterious smile. "Mr. Sauron is on his way back. You better all get to your seats."

"You can't know that." Roseidous said.

"Yes I do. He's a fiery eyeball. The light coming from the hallway just got brighter."

There was a rush as everyone got back in their seats and turned around. Mr. Sauron entered the now silent classroom.

"Oh, good." he said. "I see that my class behaves much better than those people in Professor Snape's class. I'm glad to see there was no moving around and talking while I was gone."

He turned to make the marker levitate and write something else on the board. The class shared looks with each other, relieved that they got away with it.

"Or at least," he turned around again. "You were smart enough not to get caught."

The rest of the day went by and the bell finally rang, signifying that school was over. Despite a request for the students to remained seated until they were dismissed, the tweens raced out the door.

"Well, I'm glad that's over," Roses sighed a breath of relief.

"We'll just have to do it again tomorrow, though," Ann interjected. They were on the bus now, riding home.

"But it won't be the first day."

"Very good point! Oh, I wanted to tell you about my science project idea. This is the last year we'll be able to do one."

"Cool, tell me on the way home," Roses said as the bus came to a screeching halt. The students clamored out and journeyed home.

Chapter Two