John:

John, Lord of Darkness (DUM DUMM DUUUUUM!), sat brooding upon his throne, which was composed of human skulls. Well, actually, it was made out of balsa wood and cardboard, but that's not important. Anyway, as he sat brooding on his throne, in a brooding sort of way, his chief lackey, Goober, scuttled in. Actually, his title was "Supreme Pee-on Goober," but who really cares?

John raised his eyes sullenly. "What do you want, Gooper?"

"It's Goober, m'lord..."

"SILENCE!" John yelled and pillars of flame shot from the ground. Well, actually, they were big pieces of orange tissue paper that were shredded up and tossed into the air by a monkey named Leroy, but did you really care?

I didn't think so.

After Goober had sufficiently apologized and groveled, John, Lord of Darkness (DUM DUMM DUUUUUM!) let him continue.

"We've received a letter from the UN..."

"Ah! In response to my demands to rule the Earth? Are they groveling? Are they bowing at my feet?"

"Um," Goober hesitated. "Not exactly, m'lord."

Goober handed John, Lord of Darkness (DUM DUM DUUUUUM!), a photo. It was a picture of all the world leaders in the UN... mooning him. John blinked, trying to figure out what it meant.

"Is this a no?"

Goober tried not to roll his eyes at his masters... um... "specialness."

"I'm afraid so, m'lord..."

"Aw crap! What's wrong with them? Why aren't they surrendering their power to me? Don't they realize how POWERFUL and EVIL I am?!?!?!"

"I don't think they find a 15 year old kid frightening... m'lord..."

"Why not?! I wear black don't I?! I live in a dark, drafty cave don't I?! I have underlings, don't I?! Heck my last name is Dougherty; and everyone knows the British are inherently terrifying!"

"Er... your last name is Irish, m'lord..."

"SILENCE!" He roared, as Leroy threw some more tissue paper in the air. "Get out of my sight, lackey... NOW!"

Goober ran away.

John sighed in exasperation and slumped in his throne.

"Why does this always happen?" He wondered aloud. "They never listen to me! The UN, NATO, everybody! Don't they realize I'll take over this planet sooner or later?! I have enough-" He looked around the cave. "-Enough, um... Ah! I have enough BAT DUNG to take over every country on Earth! No that won't work..." He sighed again.

"Maybe if I could get the populace behind me..." He was hit by a sudden burst of inspiration.

"Ah-HAH! Maybe I could create an addictive game in which you capture sickeningly cute Anime-style creatures, and then use them to fight against other people! Plus, if you play long enough, they'll evolve into more powerful version of themselves! Then, after enough people are hooked, I'll start to merchandise it! I'll make figures and a card game and an anime TV show and THREE movies! That's NEVER been done before! And I'll call in... Crapomon! Yeah!" Then he sighed again.

"But no one would be stupid enough to fall for THAT, right?"

All of the sudden, a pack of 9 year olds walked by, huddled over a Game Boy.

"Pikachu! I chose YOU!" One of them screamed, and the others joined in, until they were all chanting: "PI-KA-CHU! PI-KA-CHU!"

A slow, malicious smile spread across John's face.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

***

Last time: A pathetic moron who calls himself John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuum!) had hatched a plan to take over the Earth. It involved creating a successful game called "Crapomon" and then merchandising it! By doing this, he hoped to gain control of every little kid on the planet! How is this going to help him take over the Earth, you ask... well, I don't know. But at least he's coming up with stuff all on his own. Awww, he's growing up so fast!

Anyway, John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuum!) was in the dark, drafty cave that he used as his lair. He was showing his evil ally, Ian, King of Unparalleled Nastiness, his new creation. Of course John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuum!) was the most powerful of the two, because he had a (Dum Dum Duuuuum!) after his name. "Okay, there are exactly 150 sickeningly cute Anime-style creatures that you have to capture, train and use in battle." John said as he turned on his Gameboy. "Each one has special attacks, with really stupid names like 'dig' and 'sing.' The kids'll love it!"

Ian, King of Unparalleled Nastiness, raised a cynical eyebrow. "How do you know that?"

"Because... I just know." John said in a I-just-knowly sort of way.

"Well... what about Pokemon and Digimon and Monster Rancher and-"

"Those are completely different! Besides, you haven't even seen the demonstration!"

John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuum!) gave Ian a piece of paper. On it was a drawing of a sickeningly cute creature with sickeningly cute eyes that were, well, sickening. In fact, Ian, King of Unparalleled Nastiness hurled from the sugar overload.

"This is Yoko Onomon." John said. "Its main attack is 'sing.' It sings so horribly, that long-term exposure to it can cause paralysis! Since most 9 year olds are immune to Yoko Ono(mon) music, they will be able to carry it around without being paralyzed themselves. When they play the game, their parents will be paralyzed and soon I won't have any adult interference at all! The only people who aren't paralyzed will be too young to stop me!"

Ian stared at John, wondering why he never stopped talking. He had been listening... well, around the end anyway...

"Er... Nine year olds are dangerous though." Ian said. "I've heard they can reduce a cow to a skeleton in a matter of seconds!!!!"

"I have that all thought out. You see, I'll make the kids addicted to the game and keep supplying them with merchandise to keep them in line!" John said evilly.

"GASP!" Ian said. "You're a CRAPOMON DEALER?!"

"I like kitties!" John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuum!) yelled.

Ian gave him a long, blank look.

"Ahem. Well... uh...anyway. Now that I've revealed my plan, I think we should laugh maniacally as the screen fades out." John said.

"Ok." Ian said.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Fitey:

Meanwhile, Ilinana was off doing weird stuff with a hammer while Arkan helped her.

Fitey shook her head. "Why do you split personalities insist on being weirder than me?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A WHINY LITTLE WEASEL WIMP!" Ili called back.

"HEEEEEEYYYY! I'll tell-"

"Yeah yeah yeah I know. blah blah."

Fitey kicked Ili and they started to fight, until Fitey backed off from getting her butt kicked. Oh yeah. And then they decided to go to K-Mart and see what was for sale even though they didn't have any money. Whoo-hoo! Whilst Ili shoplifted, and Fitey pressed her face into the glass to get a better look at the games, they spotted a new game for Gameboy, which they absolutely had to have even though they didn't have or like Gameboy because it was stupid and tiny.

"OOOOH I MUST HAVE THAT GAME!" Fitey cried, and she bought it with invisible money.

Then she went home and stared at it until her eyeballs hurt. On the cover was Yoko Onomon, singing. Fitey stared at it until she was hungry and then even longer because she was lazy. Whooo!

"Shuddaaap." Ili called, kicking Fitey, and petting Arkan and Akis. They snickered, and Fitey stuck her tongue out at them, and then ran away when they tried to eat it.

"Well it's gonna be a loooooonnngggg story," Ili grumbled. And then she decided to go out and pillage and loot and plunder some villages, so she got onto Arkan and made him fly over a rural village in Washington, where he set many a fires and stepped on a couple of houses, while Ili looted and plundered.

And then, who did they see but Lord John Personnel of Darkness (DUNDUN......DUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!)

"OOOOh nice cloak," Ili complimented.



John:

"REALLY?!" John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuum!) said, looking at his black cloak. He hadn't realized anyone liked his cloak. He suddenly realized he was in public and said, "Uh... yeah... it's...er...cool..."

Ili smirked. "So who are you, anyway?"

"I am John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuum!)!" He said.

Ili smirked again. "Ah, Lord of Darkness, huh?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna take over the world with a game called Crapomon!"

Ili raised an eyebrow, as did Arkan and Akis.

"You wanna help?" John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuuum!) asked.

"Does it involve being destructive and cruel and just plain EVIL?" Ili asked.

"Yes! And it also involves being WEIRD! Just because. Can you do anything weird?"

"We can do plenty of weird things... especially with HAMMERS!"

"HAMMERS?" John said in disbelief.

"Yes. HAMMERS!" Ili confirmed.

"Keen beans!!" He paused "I mean... yeah... cool..."

And so, an unholy alliance was formed.

"So, now that we've formed an unholy alliance..." Ili said, reading the text above. "... What do we do?"

"Take over the world, of course! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuum!) stopped his maniacal laughing when he saw that Ili and Arkan and Akis didn't join in.

"There could be a problem though..." Ili said.

"What?"

"My split personality, Fitey. She's bought a copy of Crapomon..."

"Red or Blue version?!?!?!" John asked excitedly.

"That doesn't matter. She doesn't have a Gameboy..."

"Ah! So she liked the cover with Yoko Onomon!" John suddenly gasped. "GASP!" See? If she has a copy of Crapomon... but doesn't have a Gameboy... she won't become addicted!"

Then he lost his train of thought and forgot.

"Well, let's get back to the cave!"

***

Meanwhile in a place far away... ok, so it was actually only a couple of blocks away, but who cares? Anyway, a few blocks away, three people were meeting. They too planned on taking over the world, but instead of using a complicated gaming/merchandising scheme like John, they had a much deadlier arsenal: cookies and supermodel clones.

They were the Tri -Leaders, and unbeknownst to John they had discovered his plans. Plans that might interfere with their own. And little did John's crew, the Tri Leaders or the people of Earth know that all three factions would be thrown together. Soon.



Katherine:

Unknown to both Fitey and John, a ten year old girl was skulking outside John's hideout with a bunch of fictional characters! With her was a mouse with a nametag that said "Abbot Mortimer", a girl that had half her face melted and a tag that said "2Face", a little bit of what looked like air but wasn't with a tag that said "April", and assorted others. Ford Prefect asked Valentine Wiggin about her home.

"Shh." Katherine (the ten year old girl) whispered. Katherine's plan was to sneak in, pretend to be evil, and end up somehow foiling John's plot and taking his ice cream.



John:

Shooing away her host of fictional characters, Katherine walked into the dark, drafty cave (sick of that description yet?) that was the hideout of John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuuum!). John was sitting at a conference table with his evil allies: Ian, King of Unparalleled Nastiness and Ilinana, Arkan and Akis.

John turned as Katherine walked in. "GAH! How did you get here? How did you find my hideout???"

Katherine pointed at the neon signs that said: "TO JOHN, LORD OF DARKNESS (DUM DUM DUUUUM!)'S HIDEOUT."

"Oh... I'll have to get those removed..." John said. "But anyway, what do you want?"

"I want to be your evil ally!" She said.

John thought about it. "Well, I already have four... do you have any special talents?"

Katherine said "Um... er... I can...um...ah! I can summon an army of fictional characters at will!"

"Ooh! Coolies!" John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuuum!) said. "You're in!"

"So..." Katherine said. "What's the plan?"

"What plan?" John asked, forgetting what was going on.

"...The plan to take over the world..."

"Oh! THAT plan!" John said, as his allies exchanged worried looks.

John went on to explain his ingeniously evil plan. When he was finally done (after repeating it a few times) Katherine asked, "How do you know people will be paralyzed by the Yoko Onomon music?"

John smiled evilly. He put a pair of head phones on and put a CD in the CD player. A sound, like nothing any of John's allies had ever heard before, screeched across the cave.

Almost immediately, Ian, Ili, Arkan, Arkis and Katherine were on the ground twitching and screaming.

"Turn it off!" Ian managed. "TURN IT OFF!"

John turned off the CD and took his ear phones off.

"What was THAT??" Ili yelled.

"Yoko Ono's newest hit."

"How did John Lennon survive?" Katherine wondered.

"So are you all impressed?" John asked. Everyone simply stared at him. "If you want me to turn it on again..."

"NO!" They all screamed simultaneously. Suddenly, Ili and Arkan snapped. Ili started to hit the table with a HAMMER and Arkan lit John's lackey, Goober, on fire.

In the midst of this confusion, Katherine snuck away, deeper into the cave. Soon, she came upon John's secret ice cream fridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuuum!) had succeeded in calming Ili and Arkan down. It was then that he noticed that Katherine was missing. "Hey! Where is she?"

"Right here!!!!" Yelled Katherine, who appeared, holding John's secret ice cream stash.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! What are you doing with my ice cream?????"

"Ha HA!" She answered. "I only pretended to be evil so that I can foil your plans and take your ice cream!"

"You'll never foil my plans… or get my ice cream! Ili! Get her!!!!"

Ili pulled out her HAMMER and ran at Katherine. Katherine threw a carton of mint chocolate chip at Ili, who quickly destroyed it.

"NOOOOOOOO! NOT MY ICE CREAM!"

"Call her off or I'll destroy it all!" Katherine said.

"ILI! STAND DOWN!" He yelled.

Ili stopped running and returned to the evil allies.

"I'll get you for this!" John yelled as Katherine ran from the cave with the ice cream.

Katherine ran and ran until she CRASH! She ran into Fitey… who for some odd reason was carrying around a bunch of Campbell Soup cans.

"Aw! Katherine! Look what you made me do!" Fitey said as she picked up her cans.

"Fitey! I have to tell you something!"

"What? John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuum!) is plotting to take over the Earth with a game called "Crapomon?"

Katherine paused. "Yeah… how did you know?"

Fitey shrugged. "I just sorta figured it out."

"Ah… Well, anyway, we have to stop this madman!"

"Won't that be difficult?"

"Nah! He's a moron"

"Oh! Ok then!" And so, the two… um… heroines… sorta… began their adventure.

CAN KATHERINE AND FITEY SAVE THE DAY?

OR WILL JOHN AND HIS EVIL ALLIES SUCCEED?

AND WHERE ARE THE TRI LEADERS DURING ALL OF THIS?

THE CHEESE DUCK... I MEAN ADVENTURE IS JUST BEGINNING!!!!



Katherine:

Fitey was standing on Katherine's shoulders looking into the hideout. She leapt down, and Katherine began rolling her shoulders.

"So?" Katherine asked.

"They're trying to get rid of the evil Tri-Leaders." said Fitey.

"Hmmm...I could ask them to help us get rid of him." Katherine mused.

"You know them?" Fitey's eyes widened. "You evil! Fitey destroy!"

"No...no...no, wait Fitey, put down the hammer-I only hang around with them when I'm being an evil seductress trying to take over the world! You have evilness too!" Fitey put down the hammer.

"Thank-you. Do you want to watch the Tenth Kingdom while we think up a plan?"

"Can we eat/drink the soup?"

"Sure."



Fitey:

While Fitey went off with Katherine to watch the Tenth Kingdom for the fourth time, Ili dragged Arkan and Akis back to her secret lab under the lake at Pam's.

"Yo ho ho..." Arkan began, only to be silenced by Ili.

"She can't know we're here, or she'll shut the door again. You remember the LAST time she locked the door?"

Akis shuddered from the horrible memory.

Ili left Akis and Arkan outside (they were a bit big to not be noticed), while she snuck inside and found Furyion, Korril, and Corrozus laying about.

"You lazy idiots! Com'n! We have work to do!"

"Work work work! All we do is-"

"Do you want me to call out the snakes? You remember the snakes, don't you?"

"NOT THEM!"

"Yes, THEM!" Ili said.

***

Meanwhile, Fitey fell asleep watching the movie and started drooling on her pillow. "ZZZZZ......No not him! NOOOOOOOO! ILI, STAY BACK!!.....zZZZZZZ..."

Katherine sat, trying to watch the movie and develop a clever plan at the same time.

In the middle of the movie, Fitey woke up. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! NOT FREAKAZOID!"

Suddenly from no where the Freakazoid theme started and he ran around in circles 'til the end and left.

***

Ili dragged her pets out, back to Akis and Arkan who were arguing heavily.

"Snow!" "STORMS!" SNOW!" "STORMS!!!!!!!" Akis and Arkan argued.

"SHUT UP!" Ili yelled. "We're due back to the secret evil lair of John, Lord of Darkness (quick eye-roll before DUMDUM DUUUUNNNNNNNN) by dawn! I want to do some pillaging first. Oh yeah..."

Ili rang the door bell at the cave entrance above water, and dropped several cds and a cd player and headphones before hiding behind a tree.

Fitey opened the door and spotted the stuff. "OooOOh! Yoko-Onomon cds!" She slammed the door shut and ran off to listen.

"Hah! Just as I thought. No brain there." Ili said, and the other five laughed.

"Alright, stop your laughing you mangy hyenas. Jakey should be around here somewhere, and I'm gonna find him." Ili growled. She hopped onto Furyion's back, who automatically beat his wings and started to take off. "You other idiots go back to John's place. You CAN handle that, right? Or are you too stupid?"

Grudgingly, Arkan and Akis led the others off to John, while Ili searched until she found Jake's lab of junk and high-tech stuff. Before entering the laser-guarded area and the minefield, she threw a grenade with a message tied to it. Hopefully Jake wasn't that stupid to ignore it....



John:

Fitey and Katherine knocked on the door of the Tri Leader headquarters. They were immediately confronted by Billy Jo, a squirrel who was head of security.

"Squeaker squeak squeaker squeaken?" Billy Jo demanded.

"Let me," Fitey said to Katherine. "I speak squirrel."

Fitey turned to Billy Jo. "Squeak squeaker squeaker squeaken." she said.

"Squeak squeaker?" Billy Jo asked.

"Squeaker, Squeak squeak Squeaken(Dum Dum Duuuum!)."

Billy Jo gave a curt nod and let them in. They were led to a room where John, Lord of Darkness'(Dum Dum Duuuuuuum!) hideout was shown on a video screen. Roses, Roseidous and Ann Chovi(the Tri Leaders) sat in chairs, eating Oreos.

"Ah, so you've come to help us defeat John, Lord of Darkness?"

There was silence for a few minutes before Roses remembered.

"Oh yeah, um, (Dum Dum Duuuuuuuum!)"

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, except for Fitey, who had drifted off into her own little world, and was quietly humming the Freakazoid theme.

"Do you have some sort of plan?" Katherine asked, as she watched Roseidous pick his nose.

"Yes, we do." Ann said, whacking Roseidous upside the head.

"We want you two to infiltrate John's headquarters and try to sabotage "Crapomon." We'll send our top operatives along to help."

"The super model clones???" Fitey and Katherine asked simultaneously.

"No, we need them... or at least Rosey does..."

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!" Rosey- I mean, Roseidous, said.

"Anyway," Roses said, ignoring Roseidous. "You can have the Junior Tri Leaders..."

***

Holli and Tyrael, two of the Junior Tri Leaders, had just gotten out of the broom closet... after doing SOMETHING...

"So, when do you think we should over throw the Tri Leaders?" Holli said.

"I... don't... know..." Tyrael said, with a dazed look in his eyes.

"But I'll get Roses job, right?" Holli said, batting her eyes a thousand times per second. "I'll be the leader... right?"

Tyrael started to drool. "Er... yeah..." He managed.

It was then that the loud speaker blared. "HOLLI! TYRAEL! TAILS! GET OVER HERE NOW!!!!!!!"

In case you didn't already guess, that was Roses.

The three Junior Tri Leaders ran into the main room and stood at attention... well, except for Holli, who winking at Tyrael.

"We have a job for you..." Roses said. "You three, along with Katherine and Fitey are going to infiltrate the headquarters of John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuuum!) and attempt to sabotage his plans for Crapomon." Roses passed out from not breathing, but then revived when Tyrael suggested putting her in his hair.

"Well... GO! Go on! Get out!" Roses yelled, as the five ran from the headquarters.

"That wasn't very nice..." Roseidous said.

Ann and Roses exchanged a sly look and said "GET TO THE COAL MINES!"

Roseidous slinked off, muttering.

***

Jake, who owned a secret lab with lots of high tech stuff, got a message from Ili, which was attached to a hand grenade.

"Ah," He said. "Ok, I'll do that right away..."

Then the grenade blew up.

"Ow."

WHAT IS JAKE GOING TO DO FOR ILI?

WILL KATHERINE, FITEY, HOLLI, TYRAEL, AND TAILS BE ABLE TO FOIL JOHN'S EVIL PLANS?

AND WHY IS IAN CALLED THE KING OF UNPARALLELED NASTINESS?

FIND OUT THE ANSWERS TO AT LEAST ONE OF THESE QUESTIONS NEXT TIME!!!!!!



Fitey:

Jakey went out and found Ili, and they conversed quickly.

"O.K., I need that water stuff you have, right? Oh and some of those proximity mines. Yeah, I like those."

Jake rolled his eyes, and went into his lab. He returned with four boxes of jugs of water, and then set them down. He also got a box of the mines, to Ili's delight.

"Hey you got any rope? I need to make it so that idiot can hold it, right? Oh yes, my beauty." She said the last part to Furyion, who puffed his chest out (as much as he could being it was already puffy). Jake, who was bored, wondered if Ili would ever come to Pam's again.

"Maybe, when I need a good C.W.," She said with a wink.

"Good. This place is like, dead. Vacant." He pointed to the sign he had put up again by the lake.

"Yeah whatever...well, rope. I need some."

Jake went into his lab place for a final time, and came out with a large bundle of rope and helped make a harness for the precious cargo.

"You still got Fitey's SG?" Jake asked her, knowing she'd need one or two.

"Yup. Plus a couple extra that I got from her stock. Heh heh heh, thanks Jakey-pooh. I needed this junk for John's evil domination plan."

"John? Don't call me Jakey-pooh! I don't like it! That's what Rashni used to call me....Hey you aren't trying to take the world over again, are you?"

"Do you know me or do you know me? 'Course I am! I stole some of that one persons, uh, Fitey yeah, her normal SG stuff. I need more statues. Er, John does. His cave is empty and dull. Unlike the Chamber."

Jake nodded, even though he still had no clue how he was in this story that had nothing to do with him, but Ili ignored him.

"Thanks Jakey! Buh-bye now! Remember, don't tell Fitey about my little visit, K? Or I'll have to kill you again like I did last time."

"Yeeesssss O lazy one." Jake mocked. With that, Furyion and Ili took off towards John's evil cav

e. ***

"Where have you been?!" John, Lord of Darkness (DumDum DUUUNNNNNn!) yelled. "I almost sent Ian out to see if you'd betrayed us!"

"Well, I didn't." Ili answered. "*I* went out and got some supplies from my er, friend. Yeah I guess so. Right, well, here."

Furyion stomped over, carrying three of the boxes. He dropped them carefully on the counter. Akis followed with the rest.

"What's this? Who's that? How come there are more of them?"

"I brought the rest of my lovely pets to join us. Otherwise they get lonely and start.....doing things......And that, my Lord, is a box of proximity mines- the kind that blow up when they sense movement. And those boxes are a special water. Oh yes... But whatever you do, don't drink it!" She slapped John's hand away from a bottle. "Don't let it even touch you!"

"Whyyyy?" John whined.

"You'll see." Ili produced several vials of a dark, brown-gray liquid. "And don't touch this. Unless you intend to live the rest of your life as a rock." She kissed the bottles. "Oh yes, I have memories of this stuff. Tobias, Wolfy.....those police officers..."

John looked at her oddly, but shrugged. "Well thanks for the junk. Did you do anything else?"

"Oh yeah. I almost forgot." She grinned evily. "I gave Fitey a cd player and some of your lovely cds. You know, of Yoko-Onomon."

John grinned. "Yes! Soon my-" Ili kicked him. "I mean, our plan will work! I'll....WE'll rule the world."

Ili grinned as Akis made a choking laughter sound.

***

Meanwhile, ona sci-fi high-tech super-ultra space ship.........

"OoOOoOOoOh!" Fitey said. "WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?!!"

"DON'T TOUCH THAT!!!!" Tails yelled. "Can't you not touch anything?!!!!"

"Let me think.......NO!" Yelled Fitey, and she began to do a silly dance.

Katherine rolled her eyes, while Holly tried to establish how she was ruler over all of them because she was oldest. "Me!"

Fitey threw a fit because she kept having weird visions of odd people from television shows popping up. Then she remembered the cds she had found along with the cd player. She grabbed a cd and put it in, and pressed "Play" with the volume turned high.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" the cd played. "OOoooooooh," Fitey said, as the shriek pierced her brain. The others ignored her, thinking she was just being stupid again. Suddenly a voice said, "Follow John. The Tri-Leaders are stupid. Follow John. John is good. Follow! And don't brush your teeth!"

The message played over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over in Fitey's head, and she couldn't find the stop button. "Must follow John. Tri-Leaders are stupid. Don't brush teeth. Follow John...."

"Hey, somethings up with Fitey." Tyrael noticed. "Why does she chant the same phrases over and over and over again?"

The others shrugged, then turned back to their task.

WHAT WILL FITEY DO TO HER CO-AGENTS?

WHAT IS THE WEIRD WATER ILI GOT FROM JAKEY-POOH?

WHY IS JOHN SO ODD?

WHY IS IAN CALLED THE KING OF UNPARALLED NASTINESS?

WHEN WILL THIS STORY END?

Hopefully these questions will be answered.......



John:

The sci-fi high-tech super-ultra space ship that carried Katherine, Fitey, Holli, Tyrael and Tails landed outside of John, Lord of Darkness'(Dum Dum Duuuuum!) hideout. Our five heroes disembarked (ooh, big words! pretty!) and entered the cave. It was empty.

"Oooh!" Katherine said. "There are statues in here! Someone actually decorated!"

"Ok," Tails said. "Let's split up. Me, Fitey and Katherine will try to find where he's keeping Crapomon and destroy it. Tyrael and Holli, you try to distract John and his allies."

Holli and Tyrael exchanged excited glances.

"Er... maybe I should go with Holli and Tyrael should go with you two."

Tyrael sighed and left with Katherine and Fitey.

"Ok," Tails said. "Let's find John, Lord of Darkness."

Holli didn't move.

Tails rolled her eyes. "Do we have to keep doing that stupid thing? Fine. (Dum Dum Duuuuuum!)"

Then, the two left.

***

Meanwhile, in his throne room, John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuum!) was answering a long pondered question: Why is Ian called the King of Unparalleled Nastiness?

"Well, first off, let's just say Ian's a pyromaniac." John said.

Ian grinned. "I like fire... hee hee."

"But that's not why he's called the King of Unparalleled Nastiness. Ian? Would you care to demonstrate?"

Ian grinned evilly.

"Ok, this is the story of Joe Smith and Jane Doe who were out on a date and..." Ian went on to describe how Joe and Jane had done.... SOMETHING... that involved a stuffed llama and a power drill. By the end, everyone, including John, had hurled. Ian, though, seemed completely unfazed.

"How can you LIKE that?" Ili wondered.

"It gets me HOT!" He said. Everyone moved away from him very quickly.

It was at that moment that Tails and Holli walked in.

"GAH! The Junior Tri Leaders! Ili! Get them!"

"C'mon you idiots!" Ili said to her pets.

Holli walked over to John.

"Aw, you wouldn't want to hurt meeeeeeeeeee would you?" She said, batting her eyes.

John blinked. "Why not? I mean, that's why I sent Ili after you..." He turned to Goober. "Right?"

"That's right, m'lord."

"Yeah, see." John said proudly, now that he was sure he had been right.

"Aw, but why would you want to do thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" She said.

John looked confused. "What are you doing?"

Holli lost her patience. "I'M FLIRTING WITH YOU YOU IDIOT!!!!! I'M TRYING TO DISTRACT YOU SO THAT KATHERINE AND FITEY AND TYRAEL CAN FOIL YOUR PLANS!!!! HOW STUPID ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

John blinked. "Oh ok... HEY! SEIZE THEM!"

Ili and her pets grabbed Tails and Holli and tied them to stakes.

Ian walked up. "Well, hellooooooooo ladies!"

"PERVERT!"

Ian skulked away. "How come that always happens?" He muttered. "How can they always tell?"

"Well, looks like you won't be foiling my-"

Ili kicked him.

"Sorry- OUR plans. Ian! Go take care of the other three! Ili! Deal with the prisoners!"

Ili picked up one of the jugs of water. "I think you'll like this," She said to John. "When I pour this onto them, they'll become LIVING YOKO ONOMON!!!!!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOH! ME LIKE!" John said. Then he caught himself. "I mean... yeah... cool...man..."

Just as Ili started to pour the water, though, John yelled: "WAIT! I've got a better idea! Let's put the water on a machine that will slowly tip it over, until it finally comes splashing down on their heads!"

Ili raised an eyebrow. "Wouldn't that give them time to escape?"

"Of course not! The villains do it all the time in the James Bond movies!"

Ili rolled her eyes. "Fine, fine..."

"Well, I guess this is goodbye! Soon your friends will be in the same predicament! Then, I'll defeat the Tri Leaders and then NO ONE will be able to stop me -us- from taking over the world! Evil laugh with me Ili!"

"Ok!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

***

Katherine, Fitey and Tyrael had finally reached the door of the Crapomon nerve center... or at least that's what the big neon signs said.

"Man, this guy is such a moron!" Katherine said, looking at the signs.

Fitey stood silently, grinning maniacally and rocking back and forth. She was still listening to her CD player.

"Fitey... is something wrong?" Tyrael said, waving a hand in front of her face.

Fitey slowly turned her maniacal grin towards him.

"No. Of course not. Why do you ask?"

Tyrael backed away. "No reason..."

Katherine looked at the lock on the door. There was a sign over it that said "Insert Duck Here."

"Where are we supposed to get a duck?" Katherine asked.

Tyrael started to dig into his pockets, until finally, he pulled a live duck out and smiled proudly.

Katherine raised an eyebrow.

"You have a duck in your pocket?"

Tyrael shrugged. "Doesn't everybody?"

Katherine took the duck and shoved it into the lock.

"QUACK!" There was some more muffled quacking, and then the door opened.

Inside, was a mountain of Crapomon memorabilia. Toys! Games! Hats! Backpacks! All of them were adorned with sickeningly cute Anime-creatures. The trio(well, at least Katherine and Tyrael) gagged from the sugar over load. It was then that they noticed something else.

"Gasp!" Katherine gasped. "Mines!"

The room was laden with proximity mines, all of them armed.

"Okaaaaaaaaay," Tyrael said. "I'm thinking we back up nice and slow..."

Suddenly, Fitey snapped!

"YAH! John is good! Tri Leaders are stupid! FOLLOW JOHN! Don't brush your teeth!"

"OH NO!" Katherine said.

"Yeah! Keeping your teeth clean is the most important type of hygiene!" Tyrael cried. Katherine gave him an odd look. "Oh yeah, and, um, Fitey's been hypnotized...or...whatever..."

Fitey pulled out a HAMMER!

"Fitey no like." She said. "Fitey KILL! KILL KILL KILL!!!!!!!"

WILL OUR HEROES ESCAPE?

WILL THE DAY BE SAVED?

WILL JOHN, LORD OF DARKNESS(DUM DUM DUUUUUM!) BE VANQUISHED? OR AT LEAST DROP THAT DRAMATIC MUSIC FROM THE END OF HIS NAME?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME!



Katherine:

Katherine turned on a TV and started using subliminal messages, a thing she'd learned from Dahjo. |You will not destroy Katherine and Tyrael||You will destroy the mines||You will elect Katherine the head of the littlest Tri-leaders 'cause she's only ten| Ty ended up looking at the messages as well, though Katherine had staring contests with the mines, since it would look very stupid if she voted for herself. She sped the TV up, making sure not to look.

WILL KATHERINE'S MESSAGES WORK?

WHAT WILL JOHN, LORD OF FRILLY UNDERPANTS DO TO KATHERINE FOR PROLONGING THE SAGA?



Fitey:

Corrozus and Korril set up the machine, and then Ili took some of the ~extra~ water that was ~different~.

"Whooooooo! I can't believe Jakey trusted me with THIS. I mean, I remember the last time he went nuts and Wolfy and he and I......oooo... Oh well." Ili shrugged. Suddenly, she heard a shout and a "QUACK!"

"Oh great, someone's opened the secret merchandise room. I better go check it out."

***

Fitey's eyes glazed over as Katherine turned a television set on, and Tyrael stared at it. Fitey took her hammer and raised it to smash Ty on the head.

~SMASHY~

The hammer missed and hit the TV! Fitey hadn't been able to see when her glasses and eyes fogged over. She repeated her message over and over again. "John is good. Kill Tri-Leaders. Don't brush teeth. Kill, kill, kill."

Suddenly, Fitey disappeared with a ~poof~.

"Uh- should we be relieved or frightened beyond all belief?" Ty asked.

There was a similar ~poof~ nearby, and Fitey's eeeevvvviillll alter-ego (or whatever) popped up, holding an SG.

"Fitey!" Ty said, still a tad brainwashed from Katherine. "Vote for Ka...I mean, glad to have you back. Whatcha doing with that Squirt Gun?"

Fitey aimed at Ty. "Water fight!" She laughed, and a spray of gray-brown water hit Ty.

"Ew!" He said, and suddenly froze. Because Ty was now a solid, rock statue of Ty.

***

Ili stomped towards the secret entrance, telling Arkan and Akis that if the prisoners escaped, she'd get the snakes from the Chamber.

She heard a laugh and a surprised "Oh!". And then she spotted Fitey, who was actually Fitey999 now.

"Blast it all!" Fitey said, as she sprayed for Katherine. Katherine, who was semi-prepared, dodged. The stream hit the rock wall and formed a drippy-rock formation.

Ili pondered this act for a moment. For one, it meant the cds had worked! For two, Fitey had somehow gotten her SG back.

Ili pulled a spare from her pocket; just a little hand-held one, unlike the huge behemoth Fitey was holding that took two arms, hands, and one shoulder. Waiting for Fitey to hit Katherine, she made sure she could easily grab the antidote which she held in her hand. Katherine ran around the room, dodging Fitey's fire and the mines. She tried to get Fitey to stop, but Fitey's puny brain had had it. She'd gone nutso!

Fitey suddenly froze. Literally.

Ili came into view from behind Fitey. "I should've known." She muttered. She stared at Ty's form, frozen over by the smashed television.

"Yeah, that'll make a nice guard." Ili said.

Katherine edged around the mines toward the door, Fitey. Ili, and Ty, trying to escape.

"Ah-ah-ah!" Ili snapped out of her thoughts. "Come with me, *this* way."

She grabbed Katherine and dragged her over towards Holly and Tails who were tied to the stakes.

"Lord Johny! I gotcha another prisoner!"

John appeared, having just heard Ian's ghastly story. "Erm. Tie her to the stakes!"

Ili tied Katherine next to Holli and Tails, and made sure they were all securely tied. The dipping mechanism was coming steadily closer, and would happen in another ten minutes.

"Lord John, shouldn't we just dip them NOW? Otherwise they'll escape and our plans will be foiled! They know about the secret room!"

"Really!? Wait... where's the other two? Y'know, Fitey and Ty?"

Ili grinned. "Fitey went nuts and followed the cds orders. She froze Ty to solid rock, and then I froze her myself. If they do any escaping, it'll take them awhile to drag two statues away."

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO FITEY AND TY?

WILL HOLLI, TAILS, AND KATHERINE ESCAPE?

WHY DO ARKAN, AKIS, KORRIL, CORROZUS AND FURYION TAKE IT FROM ILI? WHEN WILL IT END?!

Find out in "The Saga of John, Lord of Darkness (DUMDUM DUNNNNNNN)"



Katherine:

Katherine looked to her left at Holli and Tails.

"Do you two want to pull a semi-Charmed, semi-Charlie's Angel thing and get out of here?" Holli yelled.

"Good idea. Wait! Don't!" yelled Katherine, summoning the fictional characters, making them dress up in full body suits so as not to be hit by the water, and asking them to help.

WILL THE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS BE ABLE TO HELP?

HOW FAR WILL THIS SAGA GO?

WILL HOLLI, TAILS, AND KATHERINE HAVE TO FORM A MORPHZVIVOR BOND AND DO THINGS ONLY DONE BY FEMALE TRIOS BEFORE?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME, OR SOON, ON THE SAGA JOHN, LORD OF THE TOILET.



John:

John, Lord of Darkness jerked in surprise as an army of fictional characters, all wearing full body armor, appeared before him. "Poopy!" He said. "I forgot she could do that!"

Ili whipped out her SG and opened up on 2Face. Part of 2Face's armor turned to rock, but she kept moving.

Ili snarled and then took out her HAMMER! Then, she turned to her pets. "Attack you idiots! Attack or I'll lock you outside AND release the snakes!"

Ili's pets immediately took to the air and started to breathe fire at the fictional characters.

All of the fictional characters were not fighting, however. Abbot Mortimer, who followed the Redwall code, would not do anything violent, and April was mostly air... so, yeah...Anyway, things were not looking good for our heroes. But amidst all the confusion, Katherine, Holli and Tails were working hard to escape. That is, until they realized that their hands were restrained with construction paper chains.

"This guy really doesn't think much, does he?" Katherine said.

"Unfortunately, Ili does." Tails said as she tried to untie the rope that was holding her to the stake.

"Wait!" Katherine said. "Hey! Toby! Come over here!"

Toby Hamee who was among the fictional characters, came over.

"Can you help us with these?" Katherine asked.

"Ok." Toby sliced the ropes.

"Thanks, now let's get the Lord of the toilet and frilly underpants!" Katherine said.

Holli and Tails stared.

"You know... John..." Katherine said.

"Ooooooooooh! THAT Lord of frilly underpants! Okay!"

Katherine ran at Ili and took her HAMMER.

"Ha! I have the hammer now!" She said.

"It's a HAMMER." Ili said.

"That's what I said."

"No, it has to be in caps. HAMMER."

"Oh....ok." Katherine said and then BONK! bonked Ili on the head. Ili's pets were immediately lost without her and gave up. Katherine, Holli and Tails took Ili's SG's.

What? I didn't tell you she had three? Well... um... she DID! No, I don't think it's just a little too convenient...

Anyway, they turned to face John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuum!). However, John was now holding something above his head and grinning evilly. "I wouldn't move if I were you!" he said. "This is a remote activator! If I press the button, all of my "Crapomon" merchandise will be launched out to every store on the planet! You see, the secret merchandise room is actually a shuttle, and it's programmed to carry all of that stuff to the distributors. If any of you move I'll press it!"

***

Meanwhile, back at the secret merchandise room, Ian, king of Unparalleled Nastiness (who John had sent after our heroes originally) arrived with his flame thrower. He noticed the frozen Fitey and Tyrael.

"Hmmm... Katherine must be inside..." He said. He walked back a little and then charged at the door. Just as he reached the entrance, he jumped into the air, opened up with his flame thrower and said "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

He flew threw the air and landed... right in the middle of the mines. All the pretty indicator lights on the mines started to blink.

"Well this sucks..." He said.

BABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The explosion wiped out the entire merchandise room, along with the King of Unparalleled Nastiness.

***

Meanwhile in the throne room, John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuuuum!) heard the explosion. He hit the remote activator. Nothing happened. "Oh no..."

"Looks like it's over, John." Katherine said.

John leaped back. "NO! You can't defeat me! I'm John, lord of Darkness!(Dum Dum Duuuuuuuuum!)"

"You're a 15 year old and a moron." Katherine answered.

"No No NO! I am John, Lord of Darkness!(DUM DUM DUUUU-)"

Katherine, Holli and Tails fired the SGs. John was hit with three streams of brown water. He immediately turned to stone. The three breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, let's go unfreeze Fitey and Ty." Katherine said, taking the antidote from the unconscious Ili.

***

Back on the ship, the five sat and relaxed.

"Well, I'm glad that's over." Tails said.

"Yeah... being frozen sucked." Tyrael said.

"So what are you going to do with him?" Holli asked, gesturing towards the frozen John, who they had taken along with them.

"Well," Katherine said. "I wanted to use him as a floor lamp, but Fitey had a better idea..."

"Yeah!" Fitey said. "From now on, Ili has to carry it around on her back." Then she turned around and said to Ili, who was tied up along with her pets: "THAT'LL teach you to have evil allies! Bad Ili! BAD! And as for the rest of you, when we get home, I'm getting the SNAKES OUT!" Ili and her pets whimpered.

Katherine turned to Tyrael.

"So back at the merchandise room, WHO was it that you said was going to be the leader of the Junior Tri Leaders?"

"Well, y-"

"But TY," Holli said, batting her eyes. "Don't you want it to be little old meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?"

Tyrael looked from one girl to the other, knowing he was in serious trouble either way he answered.

Tails and Fitey laughed... well, Fitey laughed a little longer that usual, but, you know...

Meanwhile, in the back of the ship, John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuuum!) was brooding inside his stone body. "Grrr..." He thought. "I'll get unfrozen somehow... well I'm not sure how, but..."

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