John:

It had been months since John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuum!) had been frozen as a stone statue, thanks to Katherine, Fitey and the Junior Tri-Leaders. He didn't understand why... all he'd been trying to do was take over the world...what was so bad about that?

Being frozen as a statue seriously, seriously sucked. It wasn't the boredom; Fitey occasionally stuck a phone chord into his stone ear, allowing him to get online with his brain. Sure, since his brain was unbelievably small, he had a pretty slow connection, but oh well. During the time he had been able to talk to many people, especially the Tri-Leaders Roses and Ann Chovi. He had also had plenty of time to think, and plan and scheme. Of course, those plans would never come to fruition as long as he was frozen. But he wouldn't be frozen for long.

The major flaw in his opponent's plan was letting Fitey give his frozen body to her split personality Ili for all eternity. I like long sentences, don't you? Anyway, Ili was currently trying to secure the antidote for the freezing liquid. But unfortunately, her supplier, Jake, was in hiding for some reason or another, and it was taking longer to find him than usual. It was night when Ili finally returned. Fitey was asleep, in fact, everyone in the house was asleep, except, of course, John.

Ili crept in through the back door, which Fitey always left open, after an incident when she thought the door was open and had walked right into the glass... but that's another story. Anyway, Ili crept into the room where John stood as still as... well, stone.

"Here we go, Lord of Darkness! One unfreezing coming up!" She pulled out a bottle filled with an odd gray liquid. She opened it and poured it on John. His entire stone body turned hot pink.

"Oops!" Ili said. "Wrong potion!" She pulled out the right one and poured it on John. Suddenly, a small crack appeared right under John's left eye. The crack ran up and down his face, moved down his body, his arms, his legs, until finally the pink rock crumbled and fell away.

John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuuum!) stood in all of his evil glory, free at last.

"Has it been 500 years already?" John asked. "Have we landed on some sort of hospitable planet?" Suddenly he broke down crying. "Cordelia! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ili smacked him across the face. "Quiet you moron! You'll wake up the whole house! And besides, this isn't Remnants!"

"Oh yeah... sorry about that...I mean... uh..." He stood in though for a moment. "Oh yeah! AH! I am free at la-"

"SHHHHHH!"

"-last!" John finished in a whisper.

"C'mon, let's get out of here!" Ili said. She snapped her fingers and her pets, Arkan, Akis, Furyion, Corrozus and Korril, appeared. Ili jumped onto Furyion.

"Hey Arkan! Carry his Lordship, will ya?"

Arkan nodded, picked up John and threw him onto his back. Ili and her pets took off and rode away into the night, towards John's secret cave.

A second chance, John thought. And this time I won't fail...

WILL JOHN CONQUER THE EARTH?

WILL HE HAVE ANY NEW ALLIES?

AND WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT IAN BEING ALIVE?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN:

THE SAGA OF JOHN, LORD OF DARKNESS(DUM DUM DUUUUUUUM!) 1.5: THE RETURN OF JOHN!!!!!!!



John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuum!) arrived in his secret caves in a blaze of glory. Ok, so he really fell off Arkan's back just as they got there, fell into the dirt, dusted himself off, and then regained his composure, but it was glorious, just the same.

Anyway, John's lackeys immediately ran up and bowed down before him. John sai- what? You want to know why all the lackeys stuck around months after their cruel master was defeated? Well... they did. Ok? Anymore nitpickers out there? No? Good.

Anyway, John ordered them to get him a drink with a tiny umbrella in it. John just LOVES tiny umbrellas. As his other minions scurried off, John's chief lackey(or Supreme Pee-On) Goober approached him.

"It's good to have you back, m'lord." He said humbly.

"Yes yes it is Goober."

"Um, m'lord?"

"What is it?"

"You have a visitor..."

"What? Since when?"

"Um... he showed up two months ago."

John sighed. "Ok, fine. Where is he?"

"In the throne room, m'lord."

"Ok, good."

"Hey! Lord of Darkness!"

John turned around to see a rather indignant Ili astride(Oooooh! Big words) Furyion.

"How about a 'thank you.'"

"Huh? Oh yeah... uh... thanks... for, like... unfreezing me, or whatever..."

Ili rolled her eyes. "Your a true gentleman." She said sarcastically.

"Thanks!" John said, who obviously had no idea what sarcasm was. "But anyway, Ili? I need you to do a job for me. Go get these things from that Jake guy." John threw her a small piece of paper with a list on it.

Ili read it aloud: "Six bags of Doritos, seven packages of string cheese... all the issues of 'Penthouse' from the last few months..."

"OOPS!" John said, snatching the list from Ili. "That was...uh...my...shopping list... Here's the right one..." John handed her the right list. Ili looked at it and smiled evilly.

"Ooooooh! Good thinking! C'mon morons, we're going to Jakey-pooh's!!!" Ili and her ilk (Oooooh! More big advanced words) left. John walked to his throne room.

The second he walked in, he felt better. Who couldn't when walking into a large part of a cave littered with bat dung, and a cardboard throne painted black sitting in the middle. It was so homely. So familiar... except for the fact that someone was sitting on John's throne. He was about to throw a hissy-fit, when he realized who it was.

"Holy... IAN?!"

And indeed, it was Ian, King of Unparalleled Nastiness sitting on the throne. Ian jumped off and walked over to John.

"John man! Snoochy noochies!" He attempted to slap John's hand... but John pulled it away, thoroughly confused.

"Ian? How are you here? Your supposed to be dead!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yeah you are! You got blown up!"

"Ok...so I did die... but I came back! In fact, I'll probably die in every episode! Like Kenny on South Park!"

"So every time you die, we should say..."

"Oh my God! They killed Ian!"

"Ah... ok." John was still a little confused, but most people are when they have a brain that small.

"By the way, I brought one of our old homeys back here to help us take over the world!" Ian said, talking a lot, as usual.

"Ok... and who is it? One of your stoner friends?"

"No, man!"

"You will address me as Lord of Darkness!"

"Yeah, sure. Lord of Darkness. But anyway, this guy is not a stoner. I try to give him some snoochies, but does he take it? Nooooooooooooo!"

"Will you just tell me who it is???" John said, exasperated.

"Ok, fine. HEY LUNCH BOX! GET IN HERE!"

"'Lunch box?'" John wondered.

Suddenly, a figure who was very familiar to John and Ian... but not to anyone else...entered the room. He was taller than John, but the same age (15, if you must know). He was wearing a heavy jacket, and a white cap turned backwards. His name was...

"Silent Jim!" John said in surprise. "I haven't seen you since you moved to Florida! What's up man?"

Silent Jim gestured silently.

"Yeah! Straight up!" Ian said, like he could understand Jim's silence.

"So, Silent Jim? What sort of talents do you have?"

Silent Jim began to gesture, but Ian broke in.

"Silent Jim's a technological genius! He's like freakin' MacGuyver! No, he's BETTER than MacGuyver!"

WHO WILL THE REST OF JOHN'S ALLIES BE?

WHAT WILL JOHN'S EVIL PLAN BE?

WHAT ON EARTH IS A CHEESEDUCK?

FIND OUT THE ANSWERS TO...MOST OF THESE QUESTIONS... NEXT TIME!!!

John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuum!) sat at the long, black conference table that he used for all his meetings. It looked like it was made out of granite... but it was really cardboard. Oh well. John sat at the head of the table, of course. When you've got a (Dum Dum Duuuuum!) after your name, you pretty much run everything. Ok, so it depends on what your definition of "everything" is!

Anyway, John sat at the head of the table, with his evil allies, old and new, sitting before him. All of them wore name tags, except for the mysterious, hooded figure who seemed to blend in with the darkness of the cave. On John's right side sat Ian, King of Unparalleled Nastiness, Silent Jim and Ili... who didn't notice Ian and Silent Jim so that there wouldn't be a continuity error. On John's left side were Randall, who was a ticked off tiki, and the hooded figure.

John began the meeting.

"Ok, I know all of you, but you don't know each other. Let's go around the table, making introductions. Ok?"

Ian went first. "Hey, I'm Ian, King of Unparalleled Nastiness, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Jim. Uh... I like to burn things! Yeah! 'Cause I'm a pyro! But Silent Jim doesn't. He, like, says I shouldn't burn other people's property, whatever the heck that means. I also like to deal drugs to fish and uh... I know this place, where you can pay a monkey to-"

"STOP!" John, thankfully, cut him off. Silent Jim looked like he was embarrassed to be seen with Ian... with good reason. "Um, how about you tell us what Silent Jim does?"

Ian said, "Oh man, Silent Jim's a technological genius. He's like MacGuyver! No, he's BETTER than MacGuyver!"

Silent Jim nodded and he and Ian slapped hands.

"Ok, good." John said. "Next?"

Ili, who hadn't been paying attention and still hadn't noticed Ian and Silent Jim made her introduction.

"I'm Ilinana, or Ili, for short. I'm Fitey's split personality and I'm the only one here with half a brain, because John is a freakin' MORON who wouldn't know a hack saw from a hemorrhoid!"

"There's a difference???" John exclaimed.

Ili rolled her eyes. "My pets are here too. They can fly and breathe fire."

"Ah." John said. "By the way, are you as crazy as your split personality?"

Almost immediately Ili ran around in circles, jumped onto the table and said:

"Oh wattanol Dfarti Yam!" while "Stayin' Alive" played in the background. Then she sat down.

"Does that answer your question?"

John fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Er... yeah... next."

Randall, the ticked off tiki, spoke next. "Hi, I'm Randall and I'm the evil HR director."

"HR?" Ian asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Human Resources. If any of John's lackeys don't like their jobs, I assign them new ones."

"How is that evil?" Ili demanded.

"Well, I give them jobs so menial and painful, that they have no choice but to enjoy their old job." Randal said proudly.

"What sort of painful jobs?" Ian asked, intrigued.

"Oh... like cleaning all of the bathrooms in Grand Central Station... with their tongues."

Everyone, except for Ian and Randall, cringed.

"Well, a master of torture! A man... or tiki, whatever... after my own heart!" Ian said. Silent Jim nodded agreement.

"And last but not least..." John said, gesturing towards the hooded shadowy figure.

From under the black hood, a voice, which gave no indication of gender, but sounded vaguely masculine, came. The cloak barely moved when he... or it... spoke, and no part of its face was visible.

"My name," It said. "My real name, is not important. But you can call me Dark Shadow." They waited for him to continue with his introduction, but he just sat there. Finally, John continued for him.

"Um... Dark Shadow provides us with intelligence. You know, he spies for us. He's also agreed to be my body guard of sorts."

"Hey!" Ian said. "I thought I was your body guard!"

"No, Ian, you're my assassin."

"Oh... ok."

"Ok, now that everyone's acquainted, it's time to get down to our plan." John stood and began to pace, as he always did when he was explaining a plan.

"As you can see, the Crapomon plan didn't exactly... work. So, I've decided to move on to something new. You see, I've recently... come upon... some information," He glanced at Dark Shadow. "That may help us take over the world easily! I'm sure you're all familiar with the legends?"

Everyone nodded.

"And I'm sure you all know what the most important mythical artifact is, right?"

"The Maltese Falcon?" Ili suggested.

"No..."

"The Holy Grail?" Ian guessed.

"No..."

"The Ark of the Covenant?" Randal asked.

"No. It's much more important than any of those."

Ian's eyes popped wide open "You don't mean..."

"Yes. The Tangerine Hologram Watch."

A collective gasp went up from the evil allies.

"As you know, it was originally a simple toy in Burger King's Toy Story 2 collection. But under its humble surface lies a power like none this universe has ever seen. It can answer any question, solve any problem."

"Yeah, but it's only a legend." Ili said.

"Oh, no. It's real. In fact, it's what won the Battle of Albuquerque."

Another collective gasp. Everyone knew about the Battle of Albuquerque, where an army of Jeff lead Tyrael clones, under the control of Roses and Roseidous, had attacked Albuquerque, but finally been defeated by Tyrael and co. At the very end, Jeff had hit the "delete all posts" button, wiping out everything in range. They said that no matter where you were, that day you felt a wave of emptiness.

"My informants," John continued, glancing at Dark Shadow again, "Have identified the location of the Tangerine Hologram Watch. It is on the planet Whydontyoueatyourveggies, in the system AnnoyingParent. It's the second star from the sun of the same name."

"Which one?" Ian asked.

"What?"

"Which name is the same as the sun's?"

"AnnoyingParent."

"Oh... ok. And what do we do once we find it?"

"Simple, we ask it how I can take over the world."

Ili asked. "Ok, so we know where it is, how do we get there?"

John smiled evilly. "Follow me."

John's allies followed him deep into the cave, deeper, deeper. Deeper, deeper, deeper. Deeper, deepe- sorry. Anyway, after what felt like an hour, they arrived at a huge steel door.

"Here it is." John said proudly, and tapped a security code into a computer pad next to the door. The doors slowly parted, revealing a huge hangar. In the center of the hangar, sat a Blade Ship. It looked like any Blade Ship: jet black, long, curved wings, a diamond shaped bridge, Dracon cannon bristling from the entire ship. The only difference was the red, stylized "J" that was on both wings.

"Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Ebony Raptor!" John said.

His allies stood, gaping. Even Dark Shadow seemed surprised.

"Where'd you get a Blade Ship?" Ili asked.

"Well, after Animorphs ended, there's been a ton of Yeerk hardware floating around on the black market. I was able to get this, four Bug Fighters and a crate full of Dracon Beams. Oh yeah, and a Star Trek landing craft I stole from some foolish Trekkie." John answered.

"Better question," Ian said. "'Ebony Raptor is a kick @$$ name. How'd you get it?"

"What? I'm not cool?" John said, surprised.

His allies coughed and mumbled, all becoming focused on the floor.

John let it go. "Ok, let's go."

WILL JOHN AND HIS EVIL ALLIES FIND THE TANGERINE HOLOGRAM WATCH AND USE IT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?

WILL ANYONE OPPOSE THEM?

WILL ANYONE BESIDES JOHN WRITE PART OF THIS INSTALLMENT TO THE SAGA?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME, IN THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF "THE SAGA OF JOHN, LORD OF DARKNESS(DUM DUM DUUUUUM!) 1.5: THE RETURN OF JOHN!!!!



Ilinana:

Ili made sure that none of her pets touched or sat on anything, and followed the others onto the plane.

"Where's that instruction manual?" Lord John muttered.

Ili and the others rolled their eyes, and Silent Jim shoved John out of the way and grabbed the controls.

"See! I told you he was a genius!" Ian grinned triumphantly.

Furyion was busy irritating Akis by burning him, being that Akis was an ice dragon. Korril, Corrozus, and Arkan were placing bets.

"Stop it!" Ili said, smacking Furyion across the nose. Dark Shadow stood silently like the Emperor from Star Wars off to the side. Corrozus poly-morphed and started looking through crates in the back of the blade ship until he found some light sabers, and started waving it around, when Ili used a spell to freeze him and the other dragons in place.

"Cool! When did you get magical powers?" Lord John said, as he had ADD and was getting bored.

"Ever since I got killed by Jakey and then managed to possess that fireman and shove him into the electrified-pool and grab my necklace of crystals from my body and come back to life."

John and Ian stared blankly at her.

"Nevermind... Let me tell you though, if I ever see those Ghostbuster machines again all hell will break loose."

Deciding not to pursue the question, Lord John and Ian started talking about the latest torture techniques.

Goober was standing, waiting for someone to shove him around, and so Ili kicked him until he fell over, and then put in a Monty Python tape for them all to watch whilst Silent Jim piloted the Blade Ship to AnnoyingParent.

3 HOURS LATER

After watching all the Monty Python Flying Circus tapes, the evil villains of evilness were bored. Silent Jim was still at the controls, and Dark Shadow was beating up Goober.

Ilinana decided to pick on Lord John some.

"So, how was it to be a statue for three years?"

"Three years? eR... I thought it was less than that."

Ili shrugged. "Well, how was it to be a statue?"

"Not fun! I had to g-"

Silent Jim began waving his arms and pointing at the view screen.

"Wow, man, we've like, arrived at the solar system AnnoyingParent!" Ian translated.

WILL THEY FIND THE Tangerine Hologram Watch?

IS IAN CHANGED?

WHAT DID LORD JOHN MEAN TO ACCOMPLISH BY HAVING ILI IGNORE SILENT JIM AND IAN?

FIND OUT SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE....



Holli:

Meanwhile in the Junior Tri- Leader lounge (that was recently added to the Tri- Leader mansion) Holli, Tails, and Tyrael were watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Suddenly, a bunch of buzzers went off.

"Popcorns done!" Tyrael yelled as he raced up to get the food. Both Tails and Holli leaned back to watch his....backside as he raced into the kitchen.

But all of a sudden, the Tri- Leaders raced into the room with an important message!



John:

"We have an important announcement!" Roses said.

"We know! I just said that!" Holli said.

Roses blinked, and then continued. "Well, for one, we've decided to have Mexican food tonight!"

"Oooooh!"

"And the second, is that John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuuum!) has escaped!"

"Oh no!" Tails said melodramatically.

"Yeah! I wanted Chinese!" Tyrael said.

"And that's not all!" Ann broke in. "If you call now, you'll get the markers, the fifty indestructible storage bins AND the strudel maker for the low introductory price of $19.95!!!"

Everyone stared.

"I mean... and he's trying to get the Tangerine Hologram Watch!" She said, as dramatic music played and lightning flashed in the background.

"The Tangerine Hologram Watch?" Tyrael asked. "I haven't seen that since... well, since before the Battle of Albuquerque!"

"Yeah, the Battle of Albuquerque," Roseidous said. ""Where you stopped me and Roses from taking over the world!"

"Hey! I don't like being used!' Tyrael growled.

"All we did was make clones of you!" Roses said.

"And you tried to kill me!"

"Oh yeah, like you're so caring and compassionate!"

"Of course I am!"

"Then whatever happened to all of those baby space monkeys?" Roseidous accused.

"Er..."

"Yeah Tyrael, where are they?" Tails asked suspiciously.

"Er..."

"Baby space monkeys?" Holli asked. "And who exactly are these baby space monkeys' parents?"

"Er..."

"Where's my cheese?" Ann demanded.

"Er... hey! We've got to stop John! Yeah!" Tyrael ran from the room.

MEANWHILE, ON THE PLANET WHYDONTYOUEATYOURVEGGIES…

The Ebony Raptor settled down on the planet surface. John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuuuuum!) assembled his allies in the bridge, while Goober dragged the weapon crates from the hold.

"Ok, now, to start off... about that movie... Monty Python and the Holy Grail...what was with the 'huge tracks of land' joke? I didn't get it."

Ian snickered.

"What? What did it mean? So the princess had huge tracks of land, so what?" After a few moments, John gave up.

"Anyway, it's time to begin our search. Ili, you and your pets are coming with me. You too, Silent Jim. Ian and Dark Shadow, you two stay behind and guard the ship. Goober... you get to stay in the dungeon."

"What dung- YAAAAAAAAH!" Goober said, as John pressed a button that opened a trap door beneath Goober's feet.

"And Randal, you get to torture him."

"Whoo Hoo!" Randal said, and jumped down the trap door, just before it closed.

"Ok, we'll each be carrying a Dracon Beam and a light saber. And of course, Ian's got his flame thrower." He handed out the weapons. John, Ian and Silent Jim ignited their sabers, revealing blood red blades.

"SWEET!" Ian and John said simultaneously, and started dancing, while Silent Jim played a silent air guitar. Suddenly, John realized he was in public.

"Er... I mean... light saber color isn't important. What you have, you get!"

"I've got a question." Ian said. "How come you're splitting me and Silent Jim up? We're hetero life mates!" Silent Jim made gestures of agreement.

"Well, I need Silent Jim to operate the tracker we're using to find the watch, and you're better off guarding the ship..."

"Yeah, whatever. We'll guard it, right DS?"

Dark Shadow leaned against a bulkhead, seemingly paying no attention. Ian made an uncomfortable smile and looked away.

"Anyway, let's go." John said, and he, Silent Jim, Ili and her pets left the Blade Ship.

Ian closed the hatch and activated the ship's shields.

"So, now it's just us, huh?" He said to Dark Shadow. But when he turned around, the cloaked figure was gone, melted away into the shadows. Ian turned the bridge lights up to full, and sat in the pilot's chair, not feeling comfortable at all. He got his flame-thrower ready, just in case. If the Tri-Leaders didn't come, maybe some odd creature native to the planet would. And of course, there was Dark Shadow, who was giving off some definite bad vibes. Ian popped "Mallrats" into the DVD player, and sat back.

Dark Shadow sat in his quarters. There were no lights in the room. He liked it that way. John had no idea what Dark Shadow was planning, he had no way of even figuring it out. Dark Shadow wanted to rule the world, and instead of thinking of John and the Tri-Leaders as obstacles, why not foot stools? Why not use them to do all of his dirty work for him? He had tried to use the Tri-Leaders once, but that hadn't worked that well. John, however, was stupid, and therefore, easier to manipulate. He had to admit this was a pretty good plan, using the Tangerine Hologram Watch. But even if he hadn't thought of it, he could still make it his own. Another thing John didn't know was that Dark Shadow had placed a beacon on him; a beacon set to go off once he found the Watch. When this happened, Dark Shadow would dispose of Ian, commandeer the ship, use its numerous weapons to deal with John, Silent Jim, Ili and her pets, and then receive the ultimate knowledge from the Watch. Unfortunately, John was taking his time finding the Watch. But oh well, Dark Shadow could wait...

Meanwhile, John, Silent Jim, Ili and her pets were traveling across the planet Whydontyoueatyourveggies. Silent Jim was leading them, looking at a tracking device designed to pick up the signal put off by the Watch. John either was admiring the landscape or had a temporary brain fart, because he wasn't saying much. Ili was growing restless. The group entered a forest that seemed to be made of asparagus and broccoli. Suddenly, a friendly woodland creature leaped from the underbrush!

"Hewo!" It said. "I am a fwuffy wuffy wodlan cweature, and I want to be your fwiend and give you BIG hugs!"

Ili whipped out her Dracon Beam and pulled the trigger, again and again and again.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Screamed the fwuffy wuffy woodland cweature as it died a fiery death.

"Was that really necessary?" John asked, bewildered.

"Of course it was." Ili snapped, jamming a fresh clip into the Dracon Beam. The group continued along through the forest for a while. Every once and a while, John thought he heard something... like a low whisper. And every time, Ili reassured him that it was just the wind. or at least, came as close to reassuring as Ili can get... but anyway, it was a few minutes later when the others heard it too.

"Why don't you eat your veggies?" The whisper seemed to say.

"Why don't you eat your veggies?" Louder this time, closer. And then, suddenly, it came faster, and louder.

"Whydontyoueatyourveggieswhydontyoueatyourveggieswhydontyoueatyourveggies WHYDONTYOUEATYOURVEGGIESWHYDONTYOUEATYOURVEGGIES?!?!"

"This can't be good." John said.

"No, you think?!" Ili said sarcastically.

"Yeah, that's why I sai- what the-?!"

Suddenly, strange creatures dropped from the trees. They walked on two legs and they drooled and chanted "Why don't you eat your veggies?" It was obvious that they were the native species: Annoying Parents. John ignited his light saber, but the voices were getting too loud, too much. He swung at the nearest Annoying Parent, scoring a hit directly through the mid section. Nothing happened.

"How dare you?!" The Annoying Parent shrieked. "I cook and clean and slave all day so that you kids can have a good dinner and a clean house to come home to, and THIS is how you repay me?! I'm getting tired of arguing with you young man! I'm tired of having to tell you to clean your room, eat your veggies, do your homework..."

The continuous, monotonous groaning of the Annoying Parent pierced into John's head. He was slowly losing consciousness. Suddenly the world was spinning, spinning, spinning-Black.

***

The US deep space probe "Ymir" drifted through space, near to completing an important exploratory mission in the name of science.

CRASH!

Ann Chovi's space ship plowed right through it.

"Dang it, Holli! Do you have to hit every, single one?!" Ann yelled. How had she ever let Holli convince her into letting her drive? She should have known it was dangerous to put Holli behind any wheel.

"You might want to buckle up like everyone else!" Holli yelled back. She was on the verge of being absolutely giddy with excitement.

"Hey, look!" She said. "There's a space shuttle!"



WHAM!

Tyrael grimaced as Ann buckled herself into the chair next to him.

"Um... we might have a problem..." He said, well, yelled, really.

"What? That Holli's driving?"

"No, besides that! LOOK OUT FOR THAT SHUT-"

WHAM!

"-tle. Never mind. Any way, the problem is that we're way, way off course."

"What?! But we've been driving for hours! We have to be there!" Roses exclaimed.

"No, he's right." Tails said. "I don't recognize any of this."

"How would you know?" Roseidous asked.

"Well...er... even though Tyrael went alone in his fighter...er... I... uh... I watched the home videos he made! Yeah! So there!" Tails said, sticking out her tongue.

"..." Said Sally, Roseidous' blow up doll.

"Hahahahaha! Yeah, you're right Sally!" Roseidous said. "Hahahahahahahahaha!"

The others laughed nervously, exchanging worried glances.

WHAM!

"Gosh darn police cruisers! Stop getting in my way!"

"Hey Holli!" Roses yelled.

"What?"

"You're going the wrong way?"

"Which way should I go?"

"That way!" She said, gesturing "that" way.

"Oh, ok!" Holli said, and turned "that" way. She slammed on the acceleration, plowed through a group of astronauts, and disappeared into the distance of space.

WHAT WILL THE ANNOYING PARENTS DO TO JOHN, SILENT JIM, ILI AND HER PETS?

WILL THE TRI-LEADERS REACH WHYDONTYOUEATYOURVEGGIES... ALIVE?

WILL JOHN EVER WRITE A SHORT CHAPTER?

FIND OUT THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE, IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF:

THE RETURN OF JOHN!



Ilinana:

Ili was annoyed. First, not only was she stuck with that lamebrain John again, but now the Annoying Parents were attacking.

Using her necklace, she managed to get the point across to the dragons to attack. As one, they all attacked one A.P. Ice, Fire, Acid, Lightning, and Posionous breath hit one A.P. at once. The A.P. shrieked angrily, and melted, screaming, "EAT YOUR VEEEEEEEEEGGgggggiiiieeeeesssszzzz"

"Hah! That'll work!"

Two more A.P. suddenly popped out of nowhere. "Oh no! It's just like that monster Hercules fought! The one where every time you chop off a head another one grows!"

There was a groan from everyone (except Silent Jim, and John, but that was expected). "Knock 'em unconcscious!" 'Na cried.

Akis slammed one A.P. with his tail. The A.P. didn't flinch.

"Clean your room! Wash the dishes! Do the laundry! Cook the food!" The Annoying Parents chanted.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" John suddenly cried. The A.P.s fell silent.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

One of the A.P.s, identified later as a female, showed some concern. "Are you alright? If you want, I can do your chores tonight, if you're sick. And we can order some pizza!"

"Yay!" John said. The A.P. suddenly whacked him, and they started chanting evilly again.

"I know! Whenever you act like you're in distress, they will stop!"

They all (but John who was confused) began crying or screaming. Silent Jim didn't make any noise, but waved and gestured frantically enough that the A.P.s figured something was wrong. The A.P.s sat, confused. Then, muttering (eaaaattt yooouuuurrrrr sssoooouuuuuuuppppppppp), began to walk off. They kept it up until they could no longer hear the A.P.s. Satisfied, Silent Jim, 'Na, and the dragons stopped.

Almost immediately, John began screaming.

Arkan whacked him on the head, and started carrying him like a sack of potatoes from then on. Meanwhile...

"What is all that racket?" Dark Shadow wondered. Even though he only had a tracker he could hear screaming from a distance.

"Oh well...."

What will happen next?

Will anyone join Dark Shadow's evil plan?

Will someone do the most wonderful thing ever and drop Lord John off- I mean, stop Dark Shadow and find the WATCH?

Find out..soooOOOoooOOnnnnn



Katherine:

Katherine lounged on the couch. The therapist lounged in the chair.

"Now, my dear, I don't want you to think of me as a therapist, I want you to think of me as a friend."

Katherine "casually" picked at her shirt, showing cleavage. Mister Therapist stopped looking at the wall.

"Well, did you know, that with a few little changes, 'friend' actually is fry end? As in what I should do to you now?"

Mister Fryend-er, Friend, swallowed. "Okay. You can call me a therapist."

"Therapist, with one little change, equals the rapist."

Mister The Rapist squirmed in his chair. Katherine opened her mouth.

"PERVERT! PERVERT! PERmfffvrte, rtt wrr!"

Mister The Rapist removed his hand from her mouth. The yelling started up again.

"YOU CAN CALL ME JOHN!" he yelled back.

Katherine didn't stop yelling. She had heard what he said.

"Okay! Just call me anything you want! First question, why don't you just choose a side to be on; good or evil?"

Katherine twisted in her chair to look at the ceiling, and did her best imitation.

"I'll never te-ell." she said in a fluttery soft voice. "I'll never te-ell."

John the rapist fry end sighed, and dismissed Katherine.

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE POST?

HOW DOES SHE COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?

WHY DID SHE REFUSE TO TELL?

FIND AT SOME POINT OF THIS SICK TWISTED THING!



John:

"Come back here! Don't let her get away!!"

Katherine ran out of the Redbank Medical Clinic, pushing a wheelbarrow full of stolen psychiatry books, while Mr. The Rapist and about fifty guards chased her.

"He he he! I'm free! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Katherine yelled, hopping onto the wheelbarrell and riding it through the parking lot. She jumped off, letting it crash straight into the "Moobie's" across the street. She jumped into Mr. The Rapist's flying space ship mobile (What? you didn't know therapists had those? Well duh!) and blasted off, leaving Mr. The Rapist to say some very unfry end- I mean- unfriendly things.

As Katherine sped off into outer space in the flying space ship mobile, which, oddly enough, looked exactly like Bruce Willis's taxi from "The Fifth Element", she accidentally slipped through a worm hole that randomly dropped her off in a distant sector of space. It was also, coincidentally, the system AnnoyingParent. How about that?

She landed (or crashed) right next to where the Tri-Leader's had landed (or crashed). And just narrowly, by an eensy weensy little bit almost killed Roseidous.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S HEADING RIGHT FOR US!"

"LOOK OUT, ROSEI! LOOK OUT!"

"OH MY GOD! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

CRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSH!

"Aw stop whining!' Katherine said as she hopped out of the driver's seat, "I missed you by a mile."

"MY FOOT! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"C'mon, Roser! It's just a flesh wound!'

"IT'S BROKEN! MY GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- SMACK!"

Roses slapped Roseidous upside the head, carefully removed his foot from under the wrecked flying space ship mobile and took charge like the evil dominatrix she is.

"Ok, the most important thing here is that we stop John from getting to the Tangerine Hologram Watch."

"Well, how about that Blade Ship over there?" Ann said, pointing at that Blade Ship over there.

"Oooh... that had better not be John's." Roses growled.

"Why?" Roseidous asked. "Because a ship with fire power of that magnitude at the hands of a technological genius like Silent Jim could be an almost unstoppable threat?"

"No, it's because it made a perfect landing! Look at that! How is it that both Katherine and us can crash, and John, JOHN, makes a perfect landing! How is it possible?"

"Maybe it's because Holli and Katherine weren't driving?" Tails suggested.

Everyone stood in silence.

"Yup, I thought so!" Tails said.

"Ok, so what do we do?" Roses said, getting back on track.

"Well, since we're trying to stop John, why don't we just screw the Blade Ship and try to get to the Watch." Ann said.

Tyrael and Roseidous, who both had a very high level of hormones seeing how they were surrounded by girls, jumped about ten feet at the word "screw." All the girls gave a collective eye roll.

"Well," Said Tyrael, stepping forward and flexing his hypnotic butt cheeks (those things are really creepy, aren't they?). "Since I know where the Watch is, I say we go there first. And I remember that the watch is that way!"

TWO HOURS LATER...

"Ok, so maybe it was THAT way!"

MEANWHILE...

For a while, when John was still unconscious, the group moved relatively on track. Unfortunately, when he woke up, they lost Silent Jim's tracker, after John used it to try to knock a squirrel out of a tree. Now, they wondered around, lost.

"Ok, I think we have to make a right at this tree..." John said.

"Shouldn't we be out of the jungle by now?" Ili complained. "According to the tracker, we should have been out in the desert by now..."

John hesitated. "Well...uh..."

And just then, the ground disappeared from under their feet.

"Don't you just hate these sudden, deep ravines?" John asked, as he and the others hung in air like cartoons for a second. Silent Jim nodded... silently. And then they fell, hit the wall of the ravine and rolled all the way down, crashing through the foliage. They finally stopped... and saw it.

It hung suspended in air, giving off an eerie orange glow. It looked like a normal watch, only much bigger. It sat on a stone pedestal, which was laden with flowers. John couldn't believe it. He had finally found it.

The Tangerine Hologram Watch.

"You're not even going to pretend you knew that you were leading us to it, were you?" Ili asked. "Of course!" John said. "It was my brilliant plan all along!"

John didn't catch Ili's eye roll.

But then, John noticed his surroundings. A small village made of structures that looked oddly like suburban homes. And milling about the village were Annoying Parents. For a moment there was silence, and then the chant began…

"Why don't you eat your veggies?"

"Scream!" Ili yelled!

All of them, except for Silent Jim, and John who was confused again, began to scream and cry. A few of the Annoying Parents backed off, but a large group of them, seemingly immune, continued to move forwards.

"Oh no! They're strict, fundamentalist parents! They won't listen to our protests and teach us that books lead us to Satanism!" Ili cried. John didn't seem to be listening. He was staring intently at the Tangerine Hologram Watch.

And then, suddenly, he made a break for it.

"Hey! Lordy! What the heck are you doing?!" Ili demanded as the strict fundamentalist Annoying Parents closed in.

"It's mine!" John crowed. "Mine, mine MINE!!!!" He was almost there, a foot away from the Watch.

Wham!

John tripped, fell on his face. The Annoying Parents were on him in a second, duct taping his mouth and dragging him away by his ankles. The others (even Ili's pets whose breaths had various caustic powers) suffered similar fates, and soon all of them were locked in a suburban home-like prison.

"Tomorrow will start your education!" Their jailer said. "We will teach you that books, TV, movies, music and games lead children to Satanism, that atheist are evil heathens and that gays are against the natural order of nature! Trust me, it's for your own good!" And then it left.

"Wow, they are really strict fundamentalists..." John said.

MEANWHILE...

Ian watched as the Tri-Leaders and Katherine disappeared into the distance. That was good news and bad news. The good news was that he didn't need to defend the ship. The bad news was that now John would need help. Great. More work.

"Hey! Dark Shadow! I'm gonna go help John with the Tri-Leaders! Watch the ship while I'm gone!" Ian waited a few seconds, and when there was no response, left. Dark Shadow stepped out of the shadows. His tracker told him that John had found the Tangerine Hologram Watch, but it wasn't in his possession yet. Fine. He could wait...

LATER THAT NIGHT...

The guards had taken the duct tape off of their mouths. It wasn't needed: the strict fundamentalist Annoying Parents were immune. John and his group were, however, tied up.

"So what do we do?" John asked. "That neat screaming trick? How do you do that, anyway?"

"We can't do the screaming," Ili said. "It doesn't work on the strict fundamentalist Annoying Parents. We should just try and escape."

"Fine. But first we get the watch." John said.

"No way! That thing's right in the middle of the village! They'd catch us for sure!" Ili exclaimed.

"I'm not leaving here without that watch." John answered stubbornly.

Suddenly, someone started to quietly knock away at the wall with a HAMMER. Or at least as quiet as you can be.

John put his ear up to the wall. "Ian? Ian is that you? Hurry up!"

The wall fell away... quietly... and revealed the owner of the HAMMER. It wasn't Ian.

"Oh no..." John gasped.

It was Roses.

Behind her, Ann, Roseidous, Tyrael, Holli, Tails and Katherine kept watch for the Annoying Parents.

"So, Lord of Darkness," Roses sneered. "We meet again."

WHO WILL BE IN FINAL POSSESSION OF THE TANGERINE HOLOGRAM WATCH?

WILL DARK SHADOW BETRAY JOHN?

WILL JOHN EVER LEARN HOW TO DO THAT NEAT SCREAMING TRICK?

FIND OUT THE ANSWERS TO MOST OF THESE IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF: THE SAGA OF JOHN, LORD OF DARKNESS(DUM DUM DUUUUUM!) 1.5: THE RETURN OF JOHN!



Ilinana:

"So, how about some pizza?" John asked.

Roses put her face in her hands. "Why me? Why?"

"How did you get past the strict fundamentalist AnnoyingParents?" Ili demanded.

"We gave them some new fundamentalist books and videos." Tyrael answered. Ann smacked him.

"You aren't supposed to help the enemy!"

"Oh. Right. But....she's the enemy?" Rosey and Ty were still having problems, and the sight of yet another girl was a bit too much for their senses.

"Let me get us out of this," Ilinana whispered quietly to Silent Jim and her pets.

"What?" John asked in a loud, normal speaking voice, trying to whisper.

"I said, I'm going to get you some french fries if we get out of this!" Ili lied, knowing he'd spoil the plan if he heard what she'd really said.

"Oh!" He practically yelled. "FRENCH FRIES!"

Suddenly, Ian ran up with a laser. "Not today, do-gooders!" He yelled, and he shot a spiffy beam at Rosey and Katie.

"Ahhhhhh!" Rosey cried. He fell on the ground and began break-dancing. Katie did the same.

"Mwahahahahahha!" Ian laughed. He aimed for Roses and the others, but they were already running.

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?

WHERE DID IAN GET A SPIFFY LASER?



John:

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YAAAAAH YAAAAAAAAH NAGA NAGA NOOCH!" Ian had basically lost it. With his spiffy break dancing laser in one hand and his trusty flamethrower in another, Ian was wreaking havoc on the Tri-Leaders and the Annoying Parents. Unfortunately (or fortunately for the Tri-Leaders) he wasn't a very good shot.

"IAN!" John snapped. "Get over here and untie me!"

Ian took a few last shots, which missed, and then hurried over to John. He pulled out his light saber and sliced through John's ropes.

"Thanks. Bye!" He said, and went off running towards the Tangerine Hologram Watch. Ian began to work on the others ropes.

"Well, looks like he'll get it now," Ili said, watching John run. Then it occurred to her. "HEY! How come John gets it?! Anyone of us could use it and put it to better use than John!"

"Hey! You're right!" Ian said, and soon they were all pushing and shoving, trying to get to the Watch.

Meanwhile, the Tri-Leaders had stopped running, seeing that Ian had stopped shooting. They saw John go running after the Watch.

"Quick! We've got to get it before he does!" Roses said.

"Why? He'd probably mess up whatever he's going to do with it anyway." Roseidous said.

"Yeah, but we could use it to take over the world too!"

Suddenly the Tri-Leaders were off and running, pulling out their deadly Trout Launchers, which could fire automatic rounds of trout at a push of the trigger.

"Shouldn't we help?" Tails asked.

"Of course not! We have to get that for ourselves!" Holli said. "With that we could overthrow the Tri-Leaders and rule the world ourselves!" The Junior Tri-Leaders ran towards the Watch.

Katherine, standing by herself, shrugged and started running.

John was about three feet from the Watch when Tyrael caught up with him and grabbed his legs from behind, dragging them both to the ground.

"LET ME GO!" John said, throwing what many people call a "hissy fit."

Katherine was suddenly there. She grabbed the Watch, which, despite its size, was surprisingly light.

"Yes!" She crowed.

"Hey! Let go of me!" The Watch demanded.

Suddenly, Arkan swooped down and snatched the Watch out of Katherine's hands. He flew towards Ili, carrying it too her-

Suddenly, Roseidous jumped off of one of the oddly suburban looking buildings and grabbed the Watch... and then fell all the way down and landed on his face.

"Ow."

The Watch bounced out of his hands and into Silent Jim's. Holli charged at him, knocked him over, and was about to get the watch, when-

"SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH!"

Ian swung from the trees on a vine, Tarzan style and grabbed the watch as Silent Jim threw it to him.

"Yeah! Hey Silent Jim! We can actually get a HOUSE o-"

WHAM!

Ian slammed into a tree, George of the Jungle style. The Watch fell.

"I'm so not liking this!" The Watch said as it plummeted ground wards.

Tails and Ann ran to catch the Watch, but ended up running into each other and falling down. The Watch bounced along the ground... and right into Roses' hand.

"Mine." She sneered, and then ran into the forest. John got up and ran after her.

Everyone got up, and soon there was a stalemate. Ian and Silent Jim were pointing the flame thrower and nifty laser at Holli, Tyrael and Tails, who had their Trout Launchers pointed at Ili, who had her pets pointed at Ann, Roseidous and Katherine (who had joined them temporarily) who had their Trout Launchers aimed at Ian and Silent Jim.

:Well, it appears we have a stalemate." Ann said.

"Hey Silent Jim, what's a stalemate?" Ian asked. Silent Jim rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Hey, what does 'exasperation' mean? Yeah, I'm talking to you, narrator!" Ian said.

Just then the Annoying Parents regrouped and charged. The four groups opened fire, but, of course, nothing worked. Yes folks, they were strict fundamentalist Annoying Parents!

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAA!" Randall yelled as he dropped out of the Ebony Raptor, which had finally arrived over the village. Dark Shadow had decided to delay his betrayal for a few minutes, until he was sure of who had the Watch. Randal; (who, just so you know, knows nothing about Dark Shadow's evil plans. he was too busy torturing Goober to notice) rolled as he hit the ground and stood in all of his ticked-off tiki glory.

"Annoying Parents, huh? HAHAHAHAHA!!!! EAT THIS!!!" Randall, of course, was a master in torture, and he had just the thing to get rid of the Annoying Parents.

"PTA MEETING!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. The Annoying Parents shrieked and ran away.

Dark Shadow set the Blade Ship down in the middle of the village and came out.

"Who has the Watch?" He demanded.

"Roses had it. John just chased her into the woods." Ann said.

Dark Shadow cursed. He'd have to wait. He hated waiting...

***

Roses struggled up the steep incline, tripping over roots as she went. Behind her, John wasn't having a much easier time.

"Give it up Lord of Darkness!" She yelled, kicking dirt and rock down at him.

John dodged and continued to climb. "DUM DUM DUUUUUUM!" He said. "Don't leave out the (Dum Dum Duuuuum!)!!!"

"Who cares?" She said, hurling a fwuffy wuffy woodland creature at John.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cried the fwuffy wuffy woodland creature as it fell to a horribly mangled death on the forest floor below.

Suddenly, Roses stopped. She was at the edge of a cliff. Below her, hundreds of miles down, was a vast desert that extended out into the horizon. The sand was tinted blue in the moonlight. She turned around, just as John reached the top.

"Stay back!" She warned, holding the Watch precariously over the edge. "I'll drop it!!!"

John sighed. "Roses, Roses, Roses. Why do we have to be enemies? We both appreciate power, why don't the two of us team up and take over the world together?"

Roses blinked. "You really mean that?"

"No." John said. And at that moment, he whipped out his light saber and sliced down onto the ground in front of him. The whole piece of the cliff top, along with Roses, plummeted over the edge.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

As she fell, Roses lost her grip on the Watch, which stayed suspended in air for a second, before it fell- right into John's hand.

"Mine." He sneered as Roses scream faded and a great crash ensued, hundreds of feet below.

John set the Watch down on the ground. Well, actually, it just sort of hovered there, a few feet off the ground.

"Well, that wasn't very fun!" The Watch complained.

"Oh stop whining and act all omnipotent." John ordered.

The Watch sighed. "Fine, fine. Ahem, I am the Almighty Tangerine Hologram Watch! I see all! I know all! Ask me any question, and I shall answer it."

"Oooh!" John said. "Nice touch with the 'shall!'"

"Thanks."

"Ok, now, for my question," John said. "Tangerine Hologram Watch: how can I take over the world? What's a surefire way?"

The Watched paused dramatically before saying, "The only way to unite all beneath your will is to adhere to the universal language."

Silence.

"What?" John asked, confused by the cryptic answer.

"Cripes! Do I have to spell it out for you?!" The Watch said.

"Well... yeah."

The Watch sighed... again. "Ok, what you've got to do is make a plan based on your favorite musical."

"Really? That's it?"

"Yup. It's surprising how easy these things turn out to be."

"Thank you Tangerine Hologram Watch! How can I repay you?" John asked.

"Credit. Cash. Either or."

John frowned. "How about... this."

He ignited the light saber and swung it. The red blade bit deep and the Watch made an odd noise that sounded like the song "Snowbird" but was really a cry of pain.

John took out his radio. "Silent Jim! Pick me up now and I'll forgive you for trying to take the Watch for your own selfish purposes. You too Ian... oh, and, uh, Ili too."

A few moments later, the Ebony Raptor landed and picked John up. Dark Shadow stared sullenly at the dying Watch.

"What a waste." He muttered.

The ship lifted off and flew away into the night. About that time, Roseidous, Ann, Holli, Tyrael, Tails and Katherine all showed up at the cliff top.

"Where's Roses?" Ann wondered. No sooner than she said this, a dusty, dirty Roses pulled herself up onto the cliff.

"Roses! What happened to you?"

"Don't ask. I'm having a very bad day."

The seven crowded around the Watch.

"Hey watch. It's me? Remember me?" Tyrael asked, holding up a photo of him and the Watch at Disney World.

"Yeah... you... you're the rare space monkey... kid..." It coughed, even though, being a clock, it obviously didn't have lungs. Oh well.

"Tangerine Hologram Watch, is there anything we can do to help you?" Katherine asked.

"There is another Skywalker!" The Watch gasped.

"What?"

"I mean... uh... nothing."

"Ok, enough. You're dying. Boo hoo. Now, tell me how I can take over the world!" Roses snapped.

"Can't... already... answered it."

"Dang it!"

Suddenly the Watch began to glow. "Elvis... Disco Sweat... bing bang walla walla bing bang!" It said. And then it said it again, and again, and again.

AND THEN IT EXPLODED! INTO A GAZILLION PIECES! AND THERE WERE FIREWORKS THAT WENT ZIP! POW! KABLAM!

Oh, and it was very sad.

"I'll never forget those words." Roseidous sniffled.

"Really?" Tails asked.

"Nah. I forgot them already."

"Cool. So, Mexican tonight?"

"I want Chinese!"

"How are we gonna get home?"

"I wanna drive!"

"GOD NO!"

And so, they wandered off into the woods and eventually got home. Yeah.

***

John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuuuum!) sat in his secret cave, listening to musicals. He just couldn't figure it out. How the heck were musicals supposed to help? He was just about to give up, when it started.

"Do you hear the people sing?
Singing the song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!"

John leaped up and looked at the CD case. "Les Miserables." Of course!

"OF COURSE! It's brilliant, brilliant! But what to call it?" He paced for a few seconds, and then an evil smile spread across his face.

"La Resistance. I like it."

Bookshelf