Roses:

"But I don't wanna."

"Get in."

"No."

"Yes."

"No. You know how much I hate it."

"That doesn't matter. Get in."

"No."

"Yes."

"Not gonna."

Ann sighed and dragged Roses over to the spaceship. "We are all going. Now shut up, deal with it, and. Get. In. The. Ship."

"Okay, fine!"

Roses climbed inside and sat in her place in the co-pilot's seat. Roseidous ran out of his cabin and threw four suitcases inside, then took his own seat.

Ann stared. "Why do you have four suitcases? We're not moving in permanently, you know. The clones even had less stuff than you."

Roseidous looked offended. "How do you expect me to survive without my Speedo collection?"

"That's it!" I'm getting out!" Roses got up.

Ann stood in the doorway, blocking her, and glared. "No, you're not."

"She's not getting out, but we're coming in!" Holli called from behind Ann, who moved aside.

"Oh, come on, Roses." Tails said. "You know you need a vacation."

"I do not."

"Sure you do. You've been way too serious lately." Holli told her, putting her bag in the overhead compartment.

"I have not! There was that whole barricade thing to deal with. Someone had to take it seriously. So I did!"

"Yes, too seriously." Ann agreed, thoughtfully. "Now. Where's Tyrael?"

Tails smiled. "He's bringing our stuff."

Roses narrowed her eyes. "What stuff?"

"The stuff we're gonna use to innocently bury people, and then perform water torture."

"Oh, okay then."

"That sounds more like you! It is our mission on this trip to get you to lighten up!" Ann said brightly.

Tyrael arrived and threw some plastic shovels and buckets inside. "Is that all?" he asked Holli and Tails.

Holli took a quick inventory. "Yes, that's all."

Ann closed the door, locking everyone inside, including Roses. She started the engines.

"Here we go!" she announced happily as the spaceship took off.

Roses put her pillow over her head. "I hate the beach."

"It's my favorite place in the whole world." Roseidous said. "Sun, sand, hot girls in bikinis, people admiring my muscles...it's great!"

"You just listed the reasons I hate it."

"And we get to seduce and torture cute guys." Holli pointed out. "Vinnie said he'd help us."

Roses put down her pillow. "Vinnie's going?"

"All of the Associates are. Everyone needs a vacation. They're probably already there." Ann told her. "But I can't believe you don't like the beach. I wish I had one on the moon, it's so cold up there all the time."

"You can have it, as far as I'm concerned."

"Roses, just stop. You'll have a great vacation."

"Yeah, and I can work on my seashell collecti---ahem. Nevermind." Tyrael hid behind his comic book.

"I just have this feeling...if we need a vacation so do some....other people we know." Roses looked at Ann.

"You mean John? Nah, there's no way he'd end up at the same place, even if he was on vacation."

"You remember later, you said that, not me."

"I promise, you'll have a good time." Ann vowed, then leaned over to whisper. "I brought the food and drinks for lunch today. I'll make sure you have a good time. I mean, after we eat, everything will be fun!"

Roses stared at her, then put the pillow back over her head.

***

Meanwhile, a group of people arrived at a hotel, on a beach.

"This one looks good."

"But it's the most expensive one here!"

"Of course it is! I deserve the best! Besides, I have connections to stay anywhere I want for free."

"How?"

"Katherine owes me a favor. She probably owes me a lot, always changing sides when you need her. She can be very convincing, you know."

"She's here?"

"She lives here."

"Oh. You don't think that....certain...other people will show up, do you?"

"Of course not! Not at the same beach!"

"You remember later that you said that Lord, not me."

"Yes, yes, Ian, whatever. Now, let's get this vacation started!"

***

"Who would have thought you guys would start a worldwide food chain?" Tyrael handed over a piece of paper with their order on it.

"We're not. Temporary relocation." Nothlit read the order and gave the paper to TAS and Todd, who took it into the kitchen.

"Oh. Hey guys! Look who owns this place!" Tyrael called.

The rest of the Tri-Leaders filed into the restaurant, Ann mumbling something about how Roses didn't trust her.

"Hey!" Holli said. "TAS, Cait, Yoda, Todd, and Nothlit! Long time, no see!"

"Yeah, when did you move to Hawaii?" Roseidous asked.

"After the whole wedding/honeymoon disaster. TAS's mommy said we were being way too noisy in her house. And Katherine helped us out." Cait answered.

Nothlit put their drink cups on the counter. "Self serve, over there." he pointed. "Where's Roses?"

"In the bathroom." Ann grinned suspiciously. "I'll fix her drink for her!"

"We heard about the whole barricade thing." Yoda said.

"Yeah, it was kind of fun. But now we're here on vacation." Tails hit the button for ice.

"Well, welcome to Hawaii. If you need any ideas for stuff to do, just ask. There's lots of things. TAS and Todd are making your pizza, it'll be ready soon." Nothlit gestured towards a table. "Go ahead and have a seat."

Cait opened the door to the back room. "Now, if you'll excuse us, there's a battle to the death going on!"

All the pizza boys disappeared, leaving the restaurant empty except for the Tri-Leaders.

"Boys and their video games..." Holli shook her head.

Roses returned from the bathroom and sat down. Ann handed her a drink. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

They stared at each other.

"So..." Tails began.

"Yep..." Tyrael said.

"Right..." Holli agreed.

Ann tapped her fork on the table.

Roses examined the salt and pepper shakers.

Roseidous looked at the group. "Want me to do a table dance while we wait?"

"NO!!!"


Holli:

Roser pouted and grew small in his chair. Unfortunatly, this moment of ego shrinking soon disapated as the clones walked by the table and The girls found Tyrael and Roser's eyes following them out the door.

"I feel like going swimming..." Tyrael mumbled.

"Yea, let's do that..." Roser added and they chased after the gorgeous supermodels.

"I wonder if Tsunamis can appear spontaneously?" pondered Tails. "It would be very unfortunate."

"Hey, hey-- we need the guys---" Ann stopped mid sentence. "Well, I heard this Hotel has a spa, free for all guests!"

"Really?" Hollo's eyes widened

"Lets all get a massage!"

"I want to get a makeover!"

"Let's get the works," announced Ann, gathering her friends and leading them through a door Labeled "SPA."


John:

John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuuum!) kicked open the door of the suite on the top floor of the Royal Hawaiian hotel.

"Ian! Silent Jim! Ili! Secure the perimeter! Randall, watch my back! Goober, Leroy... keep holding that luggage! This is our party now!"

"Um, Lordy?" Ili said. "You do realize that these are our rooms, right? Since we paid for them and all..."

"No! Katherine paid for them! And she personally went to make sure I'd like them! She definately did something to them, I know it!"

"Not our Katherine," Ili said, rolling her eyes.

"Yes! Her! Quite a shocker, huh?"

Ili sighed. "Boggles the mind."

Ian and Silent Jim had gone into the bedrooms. They had gotten two suites- since it was a physical impossibility for John, Ian, Silent Jim, Ili, all five of her pets (polymorphed, of course), Randall, and Goober and Leroy to all be in the same room without killing each other or blowing up the hotel. This was the larger of the two suites and, clearly, John's. Because he was one bad motherfreakin playa down in da hood, y'all! Yeeeeeeaaaaaaah, he had is roll dawgs, and yo all know whassup wizzat!

Ahem, anyway.

Ian and Jim came out of the larger of the two bedrooms, and then went into the smaller one. When they emerged, Ian said: "This one's ours!"

"Okay, so you guys will be staying in my suite," John said, making a note in case he forgot who was in his room. That would be bad if he had to call for help in the middle of the night and he yelled "YANI! HELP!" when Yani was in the other room. Of course, that would help even less, because he knew no one named Yani. Well, with the exception of that one barroom dancer... but that was one of those stories best left untold.

"Well, I'll be taking the master bedroom, of course, because I'm...

Master of the suite!
Doling out th-"

"SHUT UP!!!!!!" Randall screamed, covering his wooden, tiki ears. "I CAN'T TAKE THAT SONG ANYMORE!!!!!!!! THREE TIMES IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

John blinked, but then shrugged. Everyone was still recovering from the fall of La Resistance. Probably because they were all so embarrassed by his lovely singing voice, compared to their croaking.

"Ili can be in our room!" Ian said, putting a hand on her shoulder. Ili glanced down, whipped out her HAMMER and crushed Ian's foot.

"Next time it'll be something that doesn't grow back!" She snarled.

"Who says my foot will?" Ian gasped, holding his delicate little footsy-wootsy, ahem, foot.

"Why are we even on vacation anyway?" Ili grumbled. "I had to spend twelve hours on that stupid plane with my pets who, even if they are polymorphed, still haven't bathed, and, of course, the Dynamic Duo over there." She rolled her eyes at Ian and Silent Jim. Ian was still hopping around, holding his foot, while Silent Jim tried to distract him from the pain by beating him over the head with his shoe. Or maybe Silent Jim was just getting revenge for being called "lunchbox" so many times. Anyway...

"Well, we need a vacation after La Resistance, er, fell through."

"To put it mildly." Ili said.

"Besides, with the pressure of that horrible defeat, my nervous breakdown that occurred from it, and that poop-on-a-pooper Dark Shadow betraying us - I'LL RIP HIS SPLEEN OUT AND FEED IT TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!- we need a break."

"I guess I can agree there," Ili said. "After all, I did all the work!"

"Did not!"

"I always do!"

"Well... I always have the big ideas!"

"And have any of them worked?"

"...The Tangerine Hologram Time Watch!"

"Yeah, but you killed it. We could have used that, numb skull. Besides, it gave you crappy advise."

"Did not! I must have just picked the wrong musical! Maybe if I base my plans for world domination on 'Camelot'..." He paused. "Or not."

"This is more than just a vacation for me!" Randall interrupted. "It's a family reunion! I get to see the rest of my ticked-off tiki family!"

"Yo, this is just what me and Silent Jim need!" A bruised Ian said. "Go down to the beach, get some hotties, play that game where I throw Silent Jim at a shark and see how far he can get before it bites him- good times!"

Silent Jim just shook his head.

"Ahem, m'lord?" Goober said, from under an inhumanly heavy pile of luggage. "Since we're on vacation, might not we lackeys get a break too?"

Leroy nodded vigorously.

John cocked his head and stroked his chin. "Hmm, let's see, how's about- NO! Now go put my stuff in my room!"

"Y-yes m'lord." Goober said, and he and Leroy stumbled into John's room.

"Okay, I'm going to go lock my pets up and head down to the beach." Ili said, turning back to the hallway, presumably going to the other suite.

"So, you and Randall are sharing the suite?" John asked.

Ili blinked. "Sharing? No, no, you see, me and my pets get that suite, you guys get this one!"

John's eyes widened. "B-but Ian... and Randall... together... for a long time! You can't leave me with them!"

"Oh, shut yer hole." Randall muttered. "Didn't I say I'm going on a family reunion? I'm doing this old school style- I'm going to go stand perfectly still on beaches and in front of temples and talk to my relatives! ... And frighten small children, should the occasion arise..."

"Oh, fine... as long as you don't betray me or anything, like that Dark Shadow creep- I'LL FORCE HIM TO MAKE BOWEL MOVEMENTS ALL OVER A DEAD CAT AND EAT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Silence.

"Maybe you should save us." Ian whispered to Ili. Silent Jim nodded vigorously.

Ili sneered. "Have fun, boys! Byyyyyyyye!" And ran out of the room, into her suite, locking the door behind her.

John grumbled something about getting ready to go down to the beach, and walked into his room. He passed Goober and Leroy as they left, strange little smiles on their faces. Huh, his room must really be something.

And, indeed, it was. Nice and big, just the way he liked it, with a big comfy bed and a window that gave a panoramic view of the pure blue Hawaiian water. There was a walk in closet and, blessedly, his own bathroom. A big screen TV sat across from his bed.

Wonderful! Perfect! John-worthy!

He threw back the covers and jumped onto his nice, comfy bed.

It was then that he discovered what Ian, Jim and the lackeys already had- three layers of mayonnaise, covering the matress.

John looked up from the squishy mess that was just starting to seep into his black cloak and saw the note taped to the ceiling, right above the bed. It read:

"Aloha, John!
Hope you enjoy Hawaii! Have a great day!"

It was signed: "Katherine".


Ilinana:

As Ili slammed the door shut to her room, she pulled her five poly-morphed pets (they had turned into rather ugly looking chess pieces) out of her pocket and put them on the ground. One at a time they un-poly morphed, and then re-poly morphed into dogs (a green, red, black, white, and blue one. rather odd and suspicious looking sort, but oh well).

"wOOF! Ruff, woofy woof woof." Corrozus said, scratching his ear, while Furyion started to chew on Korril's foot.

"No, I don't think Ian or Jim will mind if they get stuck with John," Ilinana said, grinning evily as she heard Ian and Jim start to pound on the door.

"Woof." Arkan layed on an expensive looking rug and began rolling around. Akis chewed on the other end of the rug, and the others all settled down.

"Peace and quiet, at last," Ilinana said, lying down on the bed to take a nap.....


Tails:

"Yeah on the catwalk, yeah on the catwalk yeah, I shake my little tu--"

Tails looked up, noticing--with obvious relief-- no one was listening and they'd all run off into an ominous room marked 'SPA'.

She ripped her headphones off and stared for a moment at the door. "What the heck is that supposed to stand for? Spontaneous People Abductor? Special Persons de/Apparation? Salivary Pink Apples? Whatever, I'm sure Ann can tell me."

Carefully, she pushed open the door, peeking inside. Steam wafted out past her, along with a heavy fruity, floral scent. "Here goes nothing.."

Inside was a scene that could have sprung directly from ”A World Where Women Rule”. (Had such a thing existed, of course.) Ann and Roses were already in the Jacuzzi, drinking something mysteriously bright green from margarita glasses and chatting as they received massages from two incredible hunks clad in little more than matching glittery speedos. Holli had commandeered one for her own use to fetch and carry while she was busy with her facial; Tails almost choked at the sight of hundreds of different bottle of purple, pink, and gray goop all ready to be used by the next willing customer.

“Where were you? We thought we’d lost you.” Called Roses, beckoning her over.

She blinked. “I’m not sure. Did we die?”

“No, and this isn’t heaven. But it’s the closest thing we can get on Al’s budget.”

“Help me pick out lipstick!” Holli shouted, though no one was sure if she was talking to her busboy or Tails.

It turned out to be both; they made the poor flustered thing stand between their chairs as they put on assorted shades of ‘Hooker Red’ lipstick and tested them for smudgability, brightness, and intensity.

“Would you hold still? I have to how this goes with your skin!” Tails whacked the sexy man’s shoulder, then paused long enough to read the nametag clipped to his speedo. “Oh, George, darling, this one’s all wrong. Have you found anything, Holl?”

“Not one. There’s nothing crimson enough!”

“I thought ‘Red Light District’ matched both of you really well…”

“Maybe. If I can’t find anything else I guess I’ll have to use it.”

George tentatively raised his hand and spoke up. “W-why do they have to look good on me?”

“For later, silly! Now, can I call you Jörge? Its so much prettier than plain old George.”

They went on happily doing makeup and et cetera for a while, though George/Jörge got pretty boring so they traded him with Ann’s Michael, whom Tails promptly named Miguel.

Both the Junior Tri-Leaders were relaxing under a cucumber clay mask when Holli sat up and looked at Tails. “Do you think we could get Ty to eat this? It doesn’t smell too bad.”

Her counterpart yawned. “There’s that watermelon-flavored mud over there, too..”

“What if we made an entire meal for them out of masks and makeup?”

Simultaneously, the girls exchanged wicked grins.

“Roses? We’re going shopping.”


Roses:

"And this volcano is not currently active," continued the tour guide, in the middle of a long speech. "But you never know when it might wake up."

Tails elbowed Holli from their places at the back of the group. "I bet we could wake it up."

Holli grinned and started to say something.

"Girls, girls," Roses interrupted. "You should behave up here. You didn't bring anything explosive did you?"

"No." Holli sighed. "It's all back at the hotel."

Tails muttered something that sounded like "We don't get to have any fun."

Roses ignored her.

"You should let them do something." Ann said.

"They already did something."

"Yes, but you have to admit it was funny. I didn't think Rosey and Ty could turn that color green."

"I told them not to eat that stuff." Roses turned her attention back to their guide, Steve, who was now telling the group about rocks.

"This is boring." Holli complained after a few minutes. "Let's go back to the hotel."

"Yeah, we can help the boys feel better." Tails suggested.

"I'm sure." Ann tried not to smile. "Why don't you two go seduce Steve and get him to take us somewhere fun?"

"Okay!"

Ann and Roses watched as the two girls ran up to the front of the crowd.

"Steve, I have a question!" Holli shouted.

Steve looked surprised. "A question from the group? Yes?"

"It's hot up here." Tails said, and she and Holli pulled off their shirts, revealing their bikinis underneath. "Can we go somewhere else?"

"Maybe the beach?" Holli batted her eyelashes.

"Umm..." Steve stared at them.

"They're getting good at that." Ann commented to Roses.

"Yes." Roses agreed. "They are, but..."

"But what?"

"But what is that?" Roses pointed at what seemed to be a large bird flying out of the volcano. The two older girls watched as it got closer.

Ann shielded her eyes from the sun. "Isn't that...."

"Murry!" they both shouted.

The tour group turned to see what they were looking at. As soon as they realized it was a floating skull, they all screamed and ran down the mountain, Steve in the lead.

"Well so much for him." Tails put her shirt back on.

"Hey, Murry." Ann waved him over. "Trying to get back to the underworld?"

"Nah. It's much more fun up here, scaring all of the #$%*^& people." Murry laughed evilly. "Did you see their faces?"

"Yes, good job. I guess." Roses sighed.

"So we can leave now." Holli picked up her backpack. "Wait, I have a great idea!"

The other girls gathered their things. "What?" Ann asked, warily.

"Let's go visit Katherine! She hasn't come to see us at the hotel yet."

Roses considered this. "I suppose we could."

"Yay!"


Katherine:

Knocks came on the apartment door. Katherine looked down at her ice cream, and then back at the door. She looked through the peephole.

"NO! NO TOUCHY MY ICE CREAM! I DON'T CARE HOW THE CHURCH OF LATTER DAY SAINTS CAN IMPROVE MY LIFE! YOU CAN TAKE MY FREEDOM, BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE MY ICE CREAM!"

She blinked. She did a double take at the people outside.

And she thought to herself:
(how did they get here on stolen plane tickets i thought seats got cancelled if they were stolen)

And then:
(lucky bums why can't i ever hitch a flight anywhere using those)

And then:
(i better let them in)

At this point, her head nearly exploded at the bad characterization of herself and the constant "And thens" but the Carrie references sustained her. Barely.
(no mr narrarator i better not let them in)


Ann Chovi:

Roses tapped her foot impatiently. "This was a waste of time," she said. "She's not home."

Stan squeaked intelligably. Ann nodded. "Stan's right. I heard someone yelling about ice cream, too."

Tyrael tried the door. "It's locked."

"Never fear!" Holli said, brandishing a bobby pin. "Tails and I will open this door!"

And so they got to work. After a few minutes of futile lock-picking, they grabbed Mr. Packard (clad in Tropical Fun Wear!) and tossed him at the door. It exploded easily.

"Now," Roseidous said, stepping over a dazed Mr. Packard, "Where is Katherine?"

Katherine was at the back door, otherwise known as the fire escape.

"I can't let you in," she said calmly, her eye twitching, "YOU'LL TAKE MY ICE CREAM!"

John pressed his face against the glass, his minions crowded behind him. "But I brought you a present!"

Katherine thought for a moment. "Okay!"

John climbed in the window and imediatly fell to the floor. "Owwie."


Holli:

Pausing, holli turned and looked at John. "What is he doing here?"

"I don't know," Ann shrugged.

"We should play a bonding game...like twister or chess. Do you have any games, Katherine?"

"Chess?" someone randomly asked.

"Yes," she said, hoarding her ice cream.

And so they began to play a game. Tyrael was the spinner, as he felt un funny and perhaps the spinner could make him funny.


John:

John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuuuum!) was a real party pooper.

Instead of playing chess with the others, he hung back, leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest and a big, pathetic pout on his face.

"Come on, dude!" Ian said, who was under the impression that they were playing stip chess.

"No! They're just patronizing me!" John snapped. "You heard their song! They don't think I'm a threat anymore!"

"We never did," Ann mumbled, and Tails giggled.

"Yeah you did! I saw you all looking at my Barricade, like- 'Oh no! John's too strong and cool and EVIL for us! What do we do! I know, we'll call Jeff and have him save our patooties!'"

"Patooties?" Katherine asked.

"Well, anyway, I was on vacation here first! You guys have to leave!"

"We've been planning this since we started planning it!" Tyrael said. "So, clearly, we were on vacation here first!"

"What did he say?" Ili whispered.

"Look, Silent Jim! Look at the pretty birds!" Ian said, looking at the carpet.

"Well... well you guys won! You need to keep working! We lost, we really need a break!"

"Winning's hard work!" Roses said.

"Not when you have the All Mighty Administrator doing your winning for you!"

Ann poked Ian's head, and he looked up from the carpet, startled.

"Where's Jan?" She asked.

Ian opened his mouth to say something, and then frowned and turned back to John. "Where is Jan?"

"Uh..." John thought for a moment. "Oh! That's right! I forgot to write her in! Um..." John closed his eyes really tight and, suddenly, Jan appeared.

Jan frowned. "I was having a good time with the cave all to myself. Me and the lackeys were throwing darts at your picture... um, in a good way."

"Oh! Good!" John said, somewhat flattered that people wanted to puncture his face in a good way.

"Well, at least you guys aren't staying in the same hotel," Katherine said.

"Yeah! We're in the Outrigger Reef!" John said.

Roses and Ann exchanged looks. "...We're in the Outrigger Reef..."

Everyone looked at Katherine.

"You're not supposed to be at the Reef!" She cried. "I set you guys up for the Outrigger East!! Didn't Roser tell... oh, wait."

"Where is he, anyway?" Jan asked.

Ili shrugged. "Maybe he got sucked into the same strange dimension as Fitey and Jaina. Oh, and almost Tails."

"If he were here, we could use his hair as a portal and rescue him. But, well, he's not." Tails said.

"So... what now?"

"Now you all leave!" John snapped.

"You leave!" Roses said.

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"Both of you!" Katherine said, shoving everyone out of her room and locking the door a few thousand times. She looked around at the trashed room and smiled pleasantly. "That went well!"


Ilinana:

"Well, that was pointless." Ili commented as they walked back to their hotel rooms.

"We didn't even get to play chess or twister!" Ian said, scowling.

"I don't think we would've wanted to play his way, even if we'd stayed," John whispered into Jim's ear.

"Well, I'm going to the beach!" Ili brushed imaginary dirt off her pants, opening the door to her room. "I never did go yesterday, and it looks like it's going to be nice out."

Ian and Jim leered at her, probably thinking about what she'd wear to the beach.

"I burn easily in the sun, though." She said thoughtfully observing her pale skin as she entered her room and shut the door. "I wonder why?"

John rubbed his neck. "Yeah...uh....."


Ann Chovi:

Roses threw herself into a chair and crossed her arms. All the way back to the hotel she screamed, "I KNEW this was a bad idea!" at random people. Finally she settled for glaring at everyone.

As soon as they got back to their suite, Roseidous excused himself to have some private "Sally time". Holli and Tails were tying up Tyrael in an effort to cheer Roses up.

"He's planning something, I just know it," she muttered.

Ann looked up from the contraption she was fiddling with. "But we decided he wasn't a threat."

"He is annoying, though," Roses pointed out. On the couch, Tyreal was tied in green duct tape. Holli and Tails were currently painting Christmas ornaments on him. Roses continued, "I don't need him ruining this vacation even more."

"Never fear!" Ann said, triumphantly holding up her contraption. "For I have made this spycam to...um...spy on John with! But it's audio only, so I guess it's more of a spydio. Holli's going to plant it in the Lord of Darkness (Dum dum DUUUUUM)'s room!"

Roses shrugged and started glaring at the wall. A chicken clucked mornfully from her position duct taped atop Tyrael's face. Tails was sleeping, using the rest of Tyrael as a pillow. Holli rushed out of the room, spydio in hand. Ann waited.

A crackle of static filled the reciever and Holli's voice came out of the speaker. "I'm placing it under the phone," she whispered. A few more minutes passed before a door slammed.

"Yeah...uh..." John's voice said.

All was quiet for a while. In the room, Tyrael had managed to free his hands. The chicken clucked and laid an egg.

"GOOBER!" John yelled.

The door opened, and someone shuffled across the floor. "Y-yes, lord?'

"I need you to write this down for me," John said.

"Can't y-y-you write it f-for yourself, sir?" Goober's voice cringed with every word.

"SILENCE! I will not tolerate your insolence! Besides, Ili took away my pen. Did you know that pens fit almost perfectly in your eye?"

There was a soft rustling, as if a note pad was being opened.

John whistled. "That's a beautiful pen. It looks like it's made of gold! I must pay you too much, since you can afford a pen made of gold."

"You don't pay me at all, sir."

"And don't you forget it!"

There was a long silence, broken only by the shuffling of feet.

"Sir," Goober started, "did you want me to write something down?"

"How about you give me that pen and just get out."

"B-but sir," Goober stammered, "it was a gift from my mum."

"Ha, ha, ha," John laughed. "Give it to me anyway! And get out!"

The feet quickly shuffuled and the door slammed. It sounded like John was alone again.

"Sucker. This little golden beauty...Ahhhhh! My eye!"

Ann set the reciever to "Record". She couldn't listen to that anymore.


Ilinana:

When Ilinana entered her room, she realized two things: one, her pets were nowhere to be seen, and two-- someone was sleeping in her bed!!!

"Gah! HAMMER ATTACK!" Ilinana pulled out a HAMMER and leapt at the form on her bed, but stopped. It was her alter-ego split-personality, whiny, whimpy....Fitey?!

"What are YOU doing here?!" Ili demanded, noticing Fitey was waking up after her loud demonstration.

"Er...sleeping?" Fitey rubbed her eyes and put on her glasses, blinking. "Oh, it's you! Hi!!!!"

Ili rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "How did you get in here? Where are those LAMEBRAIN PETS OF MINE WHEN I NEED THEM?!" In one corner, two shapes swelled out of the carpet. It was Akis and Corrozus. The others were nowhere in sight.

"Oh them? They needed to take a walk, so I let them out! But..uh... I don't exactly know where they went. They seemed pretty excited to escape! Er...take a walk!" Fitey sat up in bed, grinning like a pysched..er...whatever.

Putting her head in her hands, Ili silently mouthed 'Why me?' and rubbed her temples. First the King of Idiocy, John, now the court jester, Fitey.

"You know, talking to yourself is one of the first signs of insanity! Or maybe delusions...like this!" There was a poof, and Fitey disappeared. And in her place was.....

Q from Star Trek the Next Generation?! "Wait! That wasn't supposed to happen," Q said, looking annoyed (or maybe that's just his natural facial expression). Q disappeared with another poof and a blast of smoke (the maid is going to be wondering about this, Ilinana thought), and in his place was.... Don Knotts?

At about that point, Ili woke up with a start, and realized she had fallen asleep before going to the beach- but it was still the middle of the day, and now she was determined to go before any other weird hallucinations appeared.

She changed into a bathing suit quickly, grabbed a large towel and Corrozus (to act as a guard dog against the droves of males that- -- she stopped the thought suddenly, realizing she'd spent WAY too much time around ego-inflated males lately) and headed to the beach! Whoo!


John:

"I wanna go to the beach!” Ian whined.

“Cry about it. If I'm stuck with you two for the day, then we're going where I say," Katherine said.

“Jan got to go to the beach. Ili got to go to the beach.” He pouted.

“Yeah, well, that's because they're girls, and they are a superior life form to you."

Silent Jim was, surprisingly, silent. His hands were in the pockets of his overcoat as they walked down Kalakaua Avenue in the area of Honolulu known as Waikiki. It was all very, very different from the East Coast- and even if he hadn't been living in a cave for the past year, it still would have been a bit disconcerting. This was completely different from anywhere he'd ever been, including Florida.

“Dude, we should have stopped at the Duke's place," Ian said. "The one with the statue of the surfer guy out front."

“Duke.” Katherine said.

“Yo, is that his name? And it's the same name as the restaurant?! Crazy..."

Katherine sighed. "Never mind."

“I'm hungry," Ian said.

“I don't care."

Ian thought for a moment. "Uh, Silent Jim's hungry."

Silent Jim blinked.

"We need some munchies, man!” Ian said. "I mean, seriously! Every time I'm on vacation and just, like, walking around, unless I've got some girls on me, y'know, I'm always gettin' my munchies! You know?"

Katherine and Silent Jim exchanged looks.

“Yo! Look! That place! 'Cheeseburger in Paradise!’ It'll be great!"

“La la la, I'm not listening to you..."

"Yo, Silent Jim, back me up on this!"

Silent Jim shrugged, and kept walking.

“See! Silent Jim agrees!"

Really, Silent Jim wouldn't mind going to the beach much himself, but just walking around like this was cool. He just wished he was in something more relaxed than his overcoat- a flower-print shirt wouldn't hurt.

“How about one of those ABC stores?” Ian asked. "S***, there's so many of them..."

"Don't you know?” Katherine said. "ABC stands for All Blocks Covered."

“Christ, it's a conspiracy!” Ian exclaimed. "And we should go right in there and buy all of their snacks! Yeah, show them! Naga nooch!"

“Do you ever stop talking?"

“Not when I'm eating!"

“You know," Katherine said, ignoring him. "While I've only just met you guys here, I wonder- where is Roseidous?"

“Who cares?” Ian said. "Motherf***er's probably off touching rabbits or something..."

"You know, his love of rabbits is really over exaggerated.” She paused. "Now bunnies, that's what he's all about."

“He's crazy, I swear. Even I'm not like that..."

"Will you stop making a big deal about it?” Katherine said. "It's not like he's taking it to the extreme..."

It was then that a Robert's Hawaii bus sped by, with none other than Roseidous clinging to the rabbit painting on the side.

Katherine blinked. "Um, never mind, then..."

***

"Stupid vacation!” John said, kicking a rock. He wasn't exactly sure where he was right now- he had sort of wandered up into the mountains, and while getting back to the city would be easy... he just wasn't sure where he was.

“This was supposed to be a break!” He said to no one. "A nice, welcome relief after all of the stresses of the La Resistance fiasco! I mean, come on! I was crushed after achieving my first and only major victory, I lost my sense of purpose twice, had to endure Ian's singing voice, and then that dirty f*** Dark Shadow- I'LL FORCEFEED HIM A LLAMA AND THEN MAKE HIM SHOOT IT OUT THROUGH THE MOST PAINFUL PLACE IMAGINEABLE! - betrayed me! I need a break, damn it! I deserve one! Why is it that every plan I have always screws up so horribly? Why, God, why?"

It was then that John's foot caught on a rock, and he fell, head over heels, down the mountain. And he didn't stop, of course, until he hit something big, heavy and wood.

“Ow."

“Imagine how I feel!” The big wooden thing said.

“GAH!"

“Eh?"

John blinked up into the grotesque face above him. "Wait- Randall? What are you doing here?"

“How many times do I have to tell you people? FAMILY MOTHERF***ING REUNION! Pele's pinky toe, people, honestly!"

“Um, okay."

“The family's over there," Randall said, jerking his thumb over at what seemed to be a hole in the ground. "We were just getting ready to demonstrate what we've been doing since the last time we were all together.” He suddenly grinned. "Heeey, you wouldn't mind participating in my demonstration, would you?"

John frowned. "I'm your employer. I know exactly what you've been doing for the past few years."

Randall frowned. "But-"

"Keep your thumb screws away from me, please."

“Be that way.” Randall muttered.

“Er, okay! I will!” John paused, satisfied with his witty response.

“So...” Randall said.

“Uh, I guess I'll go back to the city and, um, try to make the Tri-Leaders miserable or something..."

"Ah. Uh, have fun or whatever..."

"Oh, I'm sure I will, Randall. I'm sure I will."


Ilinana:

Meanwhile, Ilinana was having a glorious time at the beach! Wooh-hoo! This was, of course, her first time to a *real* beach. After becoming one of John's *cough* followers, she'd been stuck in a friggen cave! Not that caves were bad. It's just, they lacked a certain funness like beaches. Plus, this was her first time to a real beach! [one tracked mind]. Ohhh surreeeee, she'd been to Lake Michigan and Erie and Ontario sure! But this was salty, dolphins-come-up-to-bite-you and poisonous killer jellyfish float under you beach heaven! Cute guys left and right! Funky umbrella drinks! Coconuts! [an African or a European swallow must've dropped them off....]

"Wooh-hoo!” Ilinana said, plopping down in the sand on a towel. "Time to schnooze in the sun."

Of course, at that time she realized something important:

"Yikes! BURNINGBURNINGBURNINGOWWWWIEESSS!"

Because of her *cough* skin condition [vampirous burnicus the doctor said...] the sun was burning her perfectly pale skin!

Which explained her vocalization. Or whatever.

“ I couldn't help but notice that you are in trouble!” Some random life-guardy wannabe nerd guy said. "Section 6 sub-section 3, chapter 4 of the lifeguard manual clearly states that all----!!"

He was broken off as Ilinana shoved him out of the way into the nearest air-conditioned direct-sunlight-proof building.

"Owwwwwww," Ili said, rubbing her arms. Which hurt worse. Everyone knows sunburn hurts worse if you rub it, doiy! "Yuch. I HATE THE BEACH! I HATE THIS ISLAND! I miss the cave!!!! Eeeeee..............."

What a horrible day.....


Ann Chovi:

There was a spectacular sunset that night, not that anyone in the room noticed. True, there were only two in the room, and one of them was watching cartoons. Ann laughed.

"Ron's looking for a date," she explained.

Roses sighed. "You realize that we're in the middle of paradise and you're watching cartoons?"

Ann turned off the TV. "Do you realize that you're in the middle of paradise watching me watching cartoons?"

Ignoring Ann, she turned out the light. Ann yawned and crawled into one bed, and Roses climbed into the other. They were getting to bed early. After all, Ann needed her twenty hours of sleep if she wanted to be alert tomorrow.

***

Considerably less than twenty hours later, the girls were woken by a loud red honking. Ann opened her eyes to see two clowns, frolicking around the room. Whenever one of them reached Roses' bed, he bounced on it. Roses was starting to look severely annoyed. The clowns saw they were awake and began their spiel.

"Hi!" they yell, much too perky. "We're the famous clown duo, George and Paul, and we're going-"

"RRRRRRRRRRAAARG!" Ann screamed, jumping out of bed. "You realize that it's," she looked at the clock, "seven AM in the morning?"

The terrified clowns ran out of the room.

"Wow," Roses said. "That was impressive."

"They woke me up."

Since it seven AM, practically the crack of dawn, they attempted to get back to sleep.

The door slammed open. "Did you like the clowns I sent?" Roseidous asked.

"Isn't there a lock on that door?" Roses muttered.

Ann sat up in bed and glared at Roseidous. "That was you?"

"Of course it was! I called last night and-"

He was interrupted by Ann landing on him in a flying tackle. The brief struggle was one-sided; Roseidous, surprised at the sudden violence, didn't stand a chance against the furious sleep-deprived Ann. Finally she lifted him over her head and threw him through the wall into the hallway. Yes, through the wall, startling a maid. Ann settled back into bed.

"Goodnight Roses."


Holli:

It was dark out...and cold...and yet Holli and Tails were at the beach. They sat cross-legged, gazing out into the ocean, like a picture on one of those Hallmark cards you get for a friend when you haven't spoken to them in a long time.

Well, except for the fact there was a blazing fire behind them and Tyrael tied up with some vines next to it. Unlike Holli and Tails, he was not gazing out into the ocean. Instead, he was focusing on untying the knots which bound him to a palm tree.

"I wonder if one day we'll get to be a constellation." Holli remarked.

"One day, we will be. And so will Tyrael. And the giant elephant."

"Yea, the elephant too." Holli giggled and took another sip from the glass she was holding in her hand. Tails looked over.

"Holli, what are you drinking?"

"Nothing."

"I think you're intoxicated." Tails snorted and took a sip from her own glass. "That’s irresponsible."

"The Elephant said it was okay. Right Tyrael?" Holli turned around to ask him. Tyrael nodded his head vigorously, and managed to make the gag come loose.

"The Elephant knows all." Tyrael said quickly. A vague thought interrupted his mind, then, a thought of a elephant who caused much trouble so many years ago....Tyrael shook his head again. Holli and Tails were tipsy--there was no invisible elephant.

Five hours later....

"Tails? Holli?" Roses nudged the Junior Tri-Leaders, hoping to wake them up.

"Mmm?" Tails groaned and sat upright. "Why is there sand in my ear?"

"I think we fell asleep." Holli yawned. "Hi Roses"

Roses stood with her hands on her hips and eyed the two empty glasses with pink umbrellas stuck in them.

"Are you mad?"

Roses nodded her head slowly.

"But we tied up Tyrael!" Tails exclaimed. Unfortunately, as she turned around to point to the tied up Tyrael, she discovered he was gone, the only trace left a set of footprints leading into the jungle.

"Uh oh..."

"Would you believe us if we told you they were virgin?"

"No, I wouldn't. I know you two."

"Well cwap..." Holli mumbled.


Ilinana:

Suddenly out of nowhere Ili realized she needed to post a completely random thing about what happened after she ran screaming bloody murder into a random building, which turned out to be a cafe which sold neat-o floaty drink things! Yes...

"I hate this beach!" She muttered again, ordering a neat-o floaty drink that had a little umbrella in it, and inscribed on the plastic of the umbrella stick-part handle was a picture of natives being overrun with lava from a volcano which was spewing death.

"Tell me about it," a Voice said next to her. Ilinana turned, enraged by the Voice's impotence, reading to throw a terrible curse at it, when she froze. Sitting next to her was a complete, total, absolute dreamy guy. Her eyes widened. "There's no shade to escape that terrible sun, not to mention the fact that there are people everywhere. It's way too crowded."

Ilinana was still slack-jawed. After all, even the most evil of evil have their weaknesses. Or whatever. Or maybe her life-long emptiness of mush was catching up with a vengence.

"I mean, come on! A person has no privacy or personal space. Am I right?" He sipped his fruity drink.

"Um........yeah..." She managed to utter, without really knowing what he was talking about.

"Totally." He nodded, then stood up, and Ilinana realized he was about to go. She searched her mind desperately for a topic.

"Mine name is Ilinanana!" She blurted, her brain garbled the message as it came out. "I mean, my name is Ilinana, what's yours?"

"Damon," Damon smiled, as her jaw fell slack again.

"Where're you from?" She asked, scrambling to get a topic to get him to stay put. Damon sat back down, facing her.

"Well, directly from, a hotel not far from here. But if you mean farther back, I originally came from Italy."

Ili's eyes widened. This was insane. "Wait a minute...do you have a brother named Stefan?!"

Damon's handsome features hardened to stone (figuratively, not literally). "No, I'm an only child."

"Oh. Because if you did, this would be really weird deja-vu ish because let me tell you, I read this b-" Suddenly she froze. "What were we talking about?"

"You were just going to take me to a movie." Damon smiled winningly.

"I was? Oh, right!" Ili smiled happily, not remembering the recent-past conversation. "This must be my lucky day!"

"Indeed..." Damon said wryly as she led the way, grinning in an evily, omnious, and foreshadowing way.

***

In Damon's hotel room........

"So then John killed the Tangerine Hologram Watch! Can you believe our luck?! I mean, it was bad enough with that Dark Shadow character. Actually, he was pretty cool." Ili glanced around. "On second thought, I didn't say that. John might throw a hissy fit if he found out Dark Shadow had more class than he does....."

"Interesting," Damon said, not finding it all that interesting, but apparently he didn't feel like using his mind-altering powers at the moment.

"Yeah. There's just no rest for evil villians. Especially with the Tri-Leaders and Junior Tri-Leaders around. Man, I hate those guys! Especially since they win every time! Viva La Restistance was the worst defeat. No wait, the Watch. I mean, we had it! But then John killed it!" Ilinana shook her head.

"Terrible," Damon rolled his eyes. "However, it was somewhat fascinating listening to your life story."

"Really?" Ilinana lit up. "Why don't you tell yours, because I'm sure I've heard of someone like you before. If I could only remember. But I can't...hmm.."

Ilinana's muttering/thinking was suddenly interrupted. "It's been a nice evening, but I'm afraid you somehow seem to know too much about me. I'm going to have to kill you."

Ili looked up. "What do you mean, kill me? You never said that when we went out on a date! Hellllloooo! This is not the ideal ending to an ideal evening out with an ideal man!"

"So?" Damon stood, and grabbed her around the throat, roughly. "I'm not interested in your ideals, kid."

That did it. Ili's eyes flared. "Okay, okay. Killing is one thing; insulting is another! I'm not just some "kid", Tex." (This came out somewhat garbled, as Damon had her by the throat and was slowly lifting her into the air.) She began to struggle, kicking and yanking at Damon's hand, trying to break the tightening grip. To her surprise, it loosened. But then Damon pressed her against a wall, and twisted her neck around.

"Ow! Ow!" Ili was starting to get very angry, especially since her pets were not around. Where the heck were they? Didn't they know their master was in trouble? Didn't they know that for once they actually had a use? Didn't they know this post was getting way too serious as her caffiene wore off?!

Damon bent over her, and she noticed for the first time, that he had very long, sharp, pointy teeth. kind of like a vam--

***

"So that's how I met him!" Ilinana finished, clutching Damon's arm. "And he's mine; hands off!"

Jan looked annoyed. "I already have Ian. Besides, he's a total fruit. I mean, I'll bet he can't even--"

"Hey! Did I say I needed to hear about you and Ian's private affairs? Noooo!" Ili covered her ears, trying to wipe away the horrible memory of Jan's words.

"Besides, you expect me to believe this guy is one of the undead? Puh-leaze. Those things don't exist."

"And space-travel, Tangerine Watches, and John do?"

"Point taken."

Which was the end of a bad expierence and the beginning of a fruit loop romance between the undead Damon and Ilinana, and also a demonstration of what weird things can unfold when certain people aren't of sound minds, and how they can introduce totally useless characters into stories at will. I think.


John:

Tyrael made his way through the foliage. He had become hopelessly lost after escaping from Holli and Tails the night before. But now, as the sun warmed the Hawaiian sky into a nice, clear blue, the going was much easier. All he had to do now was find his way back to civilization! That wouldn't be too hard!

...Right?

Tyrael tripped over a rot, stumbled forwards, and when he looked up again, he had reached a break in the trees. Beyond was just a field, leading up the side of the mountains. Tyrael shrugged and walked out into the sunlight. He spread his arms out wide and turned his face up to the sky.

"I feel..." He said. "I feel... I feel like a natural woman!!!!!"

The next thing Tyrael knew, he was running across the field, his cares- and his clothes- left far behind. The wind whipped on his studly (read: wiry, bony and unbelievably white) body, and the sun beat down on his albino-like shoulders (Yes, he sure was a white white white white-assed white boy! ...Tyrael doesn't visit this board anymore, right?)

"I'm FREEEEEEE!" He shrieked. "I'm nekkid and I'm FREEEEEEEE!"

And it was then, of course, that he tripped- John style!- and fell- directly into a hole in the ground. Tyrael fell for what seemed like a long time until- WHAM!- he hit the dirt. He stood up and brushed the soil off of his body (Which was naked, by the way... NOT THAT I CARE!!).

"Well," He said, peering into the darkness, "It seems that I've fallen into a dark, subterranean pit! Now, I could just climb out, but..."

Tyrael looked around to make sure no one was listening, and then continued.

"This could be the perfect chance to live out my life-long dream- to live in a secret club house, where nobody can tie me to a tree or tape a chicken to me or shove Oreos down my throat- a place where no one will want me to be evil! And it will be my special place- my Tyrael place!"

Music started to play in the background, and Tyrael sang:

"I have a hole under the ground,
I like to go there without clothes,
I don't get force-fed Oreos,
Not in my hole under the ground."

He was about to sing the second verse when he saw the tiny light, further away in the darkness. Tyrael crept towards the light, making no sound, save the occasional high-pitched squeal whenever he stepped in something squishy. When he finally reached the light, he found that it was the entrance to a larger part of the underground tunnel- a cave. There was no sound, but Tyrael could see large shadows cast against the wall. After a moment he swallowed, and then stuck his head around the lip of the opening.

Inside the middle of the cave was what at first seemed to be a fire. But when Tyrael squinted, he saw that it was actually a light, a ball of intensely glowing light, just sitting on the floor, lighting the entire area. All around the light were... tikis. Yes, tikis- and all of them bore a striking resemblance to Randall. Each one of them wore different clothes, all of them in some way military. One tiki was wearing army fatigues that seemed to have come from the forties. Another was wearing camouflage, and a green beret hung casually off of his head crests. There was one in white desert camo, and in its arms it cradled a smaller tiki, this one wearing a cloth over its head, fastened by a black ring around its forehead. There was a carving in the smaller tiki’s arm, of a crescent moon with a star inside it. Another wore the breast plate and helmet of a Roman centurion, and another was dressed as a conquistador. And so on. The only one who wasn't wearing anything was Randall, leaning against the wall next to Tyrael. His thick, wooden arms were crossed over his chest.

None of the tikis said anything.

Tyrael stepped back into the darkness and thought for a moment. If he was going to go in there, he'd need to impress them right away. But how? Tyrael decided to do it the only way he knew how.

Tyrael stepped into the cave and threw his hands in the air. "AY-YO! Let's get this partay started cause Tyrael is in da hizzy, y'all!"

The tikis stared at him. Randall muttered something and glared.

"Where my dawgs at? Where my dawgs at?" Tyrael asked, walking around and sniffing the air like a bloodhound. He stopped in front of the tiki in camouflage and the green beret. "Oh- there he is!" He raised his hand for the tiki to give him five.

The tiki stared.

"C'mon, dawg, don't leave me hangin'!" Tyrael urged.

The tiki continued to stare.

Tyrael let his hand drop, and his face became serious. "Yo, man, we don't need no haters up in here. No hateration in da dancery, knamean?"

A heavy hand came down on Tyrael's shoulder, and Randall picked him up and shoved him under his arm. "Quit while you're ahead, kid."

He turned to the other tikis. "Yeah, well, nice seeing you all. Have fun mourning or whatever."

He stormed out before the other tikis could respond. Once they were out of the cave and into the tunnel, he dropped Tyrael roughly on the ground.

"Uh, was that your family?" Tyrael asked, picking himself up.

"You could say that," Randall said. "Or you could say they're the most wooden pieces of... wood... on the face of the Earth."

Tyrael caught up with him. "Uh... family issues?"

"You can't imagine what it's like having to stand around with them for a few hours. No f***ing fun, I swear. That's what they get for spending millenia trying to protect soldiers. It's like they're all f***ing shell-shocked, I swear!"

"Uh... okay." Tyrael said.

"Oh, never mind." Randall growled. They stopped underneath the hole Tyrael had fallen through, and Randall began to climb up the side. Tyrael did the same, occasionally digging in with his teeth.

"We should go back to town," Randall grumbled. "And remember- anyone asks, I was havin' the time of my life out here."

Tyrael said "Okay" through a mouthful of dirt.

"Where is everyone, anyway? I saw John and he said he was going back to town, I think."

"Everyone's down there, I'm pretty sure." Tyrael said. Above him, Randall climbed out of the hole and dusted himself off. A few seconds later, Tyrael did the same.

"And why the hell," Randall asked. "Are you naked?"

Tyrael squinted one eye at the tiki, and leaned forwards a little. "Why are you naked?"

“I’m a tiki! I’m allowed to be naked!”

Tyrael nodded slowly, and kept his one eye squinted. “Exactly.”

And so, Tyrael left a confused Randall behind to retrieve his clothes.

***

"...And it is our sole mission here to rid the godless isles of Hawaii of their disgusting, sinful catering to them homasexshuls!" Blared Phred Felps, social reformist, political agitator, and all around disgrace to the South, Christianity, and humanity in general. "

We are here in the name of the LAWD, and the LAWD hath said that all who do not obey the rules set forth by bigoted white men shall BURN in the Eternal Fires of Perdition!"

The crowd around him- which was, coincidentally enough- made up of mostly middle aged whites, cheered and waved their "REPENT!" signs.

"Yo, I know I just said this yesterday and s***, but we shoulda gone to the f***in' beach." Ian grumbled.

"Ili and Jan are at the beach," Katherine said. "And so are Holli and Tails. If I show up, neither of you have a chance."

Silent Jim gestured at the crowd.

Ian jerked his thumb at Silent Jim. "Lunchbox is right- why do we have to be here? You know how f***ing sick I am of hearin' this s***? ...Uh, not that I'm, like, gay or anything."

"I'm sure." Katherine said.

"Yo! I'm not!"

"I never said you weren't!"

"Well... I'm not!" Ian rubbed his arm, and then gave Silent Jim what he hoped was an intimidating look.

"But to answer your question- why we're here- well, I happen to like this island. You know, I live here and all,"

"Oh... that would make sense..." Ian said, nodding.

"Right. Anyway, it pisses me off to see s*** like this going on in my backyard!"

"But, uh, don't you, like, live on the other side of the island?"

"That's aside from the point!" Katherine said. "Either way, I want to get these jokers out of my sight, and that's where you two come in."

Ian and Silent Jim exchanged looks.

"Who else- with the exception of the Roses, Ann, Holli, Tails, Ili, Randall, and, of course, me- is better at wreaking havoc than you two? You're the Dazed Duo! You're Ian, King of Unparalleled Nastiness, and Silent Jim, the technological genius! You're the guys who turned the First Annual Associate's Ball into a free-for-all! You're the guys who levelled the Toys-R-Us Jeff was working out... and got out alive! Not to mention that game show you messed up at that mall..."

"Yeah, I am pretty damn good, huh?" Ian said, elbowing Silent Jim.

Silent Jim rolled his eyes.

"Then you'll do it?"

Ian and Silent Jim exchanged looks again, shrugged, and then nodded.

"Okay, let's mess this s*** up!" Ian said, and the two walked towards the crowd.

"YO!" Ian called. "What's up, brothers and sisters! My name is Ian, and this is my het- no, just my life-partner- Silent Jim!"

The protestors stared.

Ian blinked. "So, uh, what's up?"

"There you have it!" Phred Felps said. "Two examples of the deprivation that has overtaken these islands! And prime examples of birth defects..."

"Yo! Don't be that way!" Ian thought for a moment. "Besides, you know, I'm not completely gay. I, like, f*** a chick on the side so that I'm not all the way gay. But my tubby partner here, he loves the c***!"

"That sounds familiar..." One of the protestors said.

"Wait, I know that quote!" Another protestor said. "It's from a Kevin Smith movie!"

A gasp of "Kevin Smith!" went through the crowd.

"THE DEVIL!" Phred Felps roared.

“THE DEVIL!” The crowd repeated.

"Okay, THAT'S IT!" Ian roared, and the crowd fell silent. He and Silent Jim took a few steps forward. "You can insult my lifestyle- or, uh, his lifestyle, and you can condemn my sexuality- or, uh, his sexuality, but you do not, and I mean you do NOT f*** with Kevin Smith! Kevin Smith is our f***ing god, motherf***ers!"

"BLASPHEMY!" Phred Felps roared, in the same way that John yelled "BLASPHEMY!" whenever a Third Season "So Weird" episode was on.

"Yeah, that's what your mom said!" Ian yelled back.

Phred Felps blinked. "That doesn't even make any sense."

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't!"

Katherine raised an eyebrow at Silent Jim, and he shrugged in confusion.

"Can't you guys stay out of trouble for a few days?" Roses demanded, walking up to them from the beach. Holli and Tails were in tow, looking somewhat wasted. Phred Felps and his protestors turned their attention back to- well, to yelling at no one in particular.

"Hey, uh, we weren't, like, startin' trouble or anything!" Ian said. "We was, uh, we was standin' up for gay rights, right Silent Jim?"

Silent Jim shrugged.

"Yeah, see!"

Roses sighed. "Why do I even ask?"

"What's wrong with them?" Katherine asked, pointing at Holli and Tails.

"Holli and Tails got a little jealous of me being the only one of us allowed to legally drink and decided to join in." Roses said.

Ian and Silent Jim's eyes lit up. "Yo, how drunk are they?"

"Not drunk enough to be interested in you, bean pole!" Tails yelled.

"How about me, Ian? I'm nice and sober?" Jan said from behind him. Ian jumped ten feet and spun around.

"Oh, uh, hey. I was, uh, I was just, uh... Silent Jim made me do it!"

Jan glared.

“What is this anyway?” Ili demanded, walking up. “Sounds like a KJOS convention…”

The pale guy next to her didn’t say anything.

Ian nudged Silent Jim. “Holy s*** Silent Jim! I think that’s Charlie Chaplin!”

“Charlie Chaplin’s dead, genius.” Ili said. “And he doesn’t even look like Charlie Chaplin!”

“He does if you tilt your head a little!”

“He doesn’t even have a moustache.” Ili sighed and then said. “Oh, um, and this is Damon.”

Jan jerked her thumb back at him. “New boyfriend. Don’t come within three feet of him or she’ll rip your head off.”

Holli and Tails pouted.

“LOOK!” Phred Felps cried, sweeping his arm out at Ili and Damon. “Look how they consort with these pasty devil worshippers! Surely this is a sign from the LAWD that homasexshuality is a sin beyond all sins!”

Damon gave Phred Felps a bored glance, and the homespun evangelist froze in mid-rant. He quickly turned and started accusing some sea gulls of committing the sin of Onan. (Look it up, and realize just how weird that sounds…)

“Hey, I just realized something,” Holli said. “We’ve been in the same place for at least three minutes and nothing has exploded!”

“Yet.” Everyone said simultaneously.

“Besides, John and Roser and Tyrael aren’t here.” Roses said. “Not to mention Ann.”

“You’d think us, Katherine and Ili would be enough,” Tails said.

“His ‘Lordship’s’ back at the hotel,” Ili said. “He’s locked up in his room pouting or whatever because you guys ‘stole his vacation.’”

“Baby,” Katherine mumbled.

“Yeah, he is a baby,” Ian said. Then his eyes widened. “Yo! I could use that as a ‘Your Dad’ joke now!”

“Aren’t there enough ‘Your Mom’ jokes in our existence as it is?” Roses asked.

“Yo, there can never be enough of those.” Ian said. “Not as long as I’m still al- oh, uh, never mind.”

“Remembered who you were talking to?” Holli asked innocently.

“Uh, somethin’ like that…”

“Speaking of Roser,” Katherine said. “We just saw him yesterday, molesting a Robert’s Hawaii bus.”

“The ones with the rabbits on the side?”

“Yep.”

“Well, Tyrael wandered off into the woods while we were passed out,” Tails said.

“Wait, wait, hold on,” Ian said, his eyebrows narrowing. “You guys were unconscious?”

“Yep. All night.”

“All night?”

“All night.”

“But, like, locked in some sort of impenenten- what the f***’s that word, Silent Jim?- impenetrable fortress, right?”

“Well, no,” Tails said. “Actually, we were kind of just passed out on the beach. Out in the open. In our bathing suits.”

Ian stared for a moment, and then said. “Life has no meaning anymore.”

“And why would that be?” Jan demanded.

“Er…”

“You really should stop forgetting that I’m right behind you.” She looked over at Roses. “Where’s my dear cousin, anyway?”

“Ann?” Roses thought. “Well, last time I checked, she was still asleep. She only got nine hours last night.”

It was then that Ann walked up to them, yawning and rubbing her eyes. “Ugh… good morning everyone. Cripes, how do you people get up so early?”

“It’s two in the afternoon…” Katherine said.

“That’s early for me,” Damon said, and everyone jumped, seeing how it was the first thing he had said.

“Dude, could you, like, not pull that Dark Shadow s***?” Ian asked.

Damon blinked.

“Ian’s secret lover,” Ili said. “I’ll tell you about him later.”

“WHAT?!” Ian demanded.

Silent Jim suppressed a snicker.

“I KNEW IT!” Phred Felps roared, seeing how he clearly had nothing better to do than listen in on their conversation (with his amazing, super-human sense of hearing, I guess). His crowd of followers murmured in agreement.

“Wouldn’t surprise me.” Katherine said.

“Me neither,” Roses said. Ann grinned evilly.

“WHAT?!”

“You know, I always said he was Umar…” Holli said.

“Umar? Nah, he’s too nice… in a shady, ambiguous sort of way.” Tails said. She gestured at Ian. “Besides, Tina would kill him if he tried anything.”

“Yo, I am so not gay!” Ian said. “And even if I was, I wouldn’t be dating f***ing Dark Shadow! Jan, tell them!"”

He turned around, and saw Jan’s mischievous grin. “Uh, on second thought, never mind.”

“So that’s why you’ve been so sullen since La Resistance,” Jan said.

“Yo! I haven’t been sullen!”

“You have Dark Shadow issues!”

“Christ, not this joke again,” X-Raytor mumbled, walking by.

“I do not!”

“You definitely do,” Katherine said.

“Dark Shadow issues!” Tails said gleefully.

“Umar issues,” Holli corrected.

“I DO NOT!”

“Ian has Dark Shadow issues?” Roseidous asked, walking up. He was wearing an orange jumpsuit, and carrying his regular clothes.

“I do not!” Beat. “And why the f*** are you dressed like that?”

Roseidous looked down at himself. “Oh, uh, I was in jail.”

“For what?” Ann asked.

“Um… I’m not sure you want to know…”

“Does it have anything to do with Robert’s Hawaii buses?” Katherine asked.

“Well… sort of.” Roseidous looked over at Damon. “Who’s the albino?”

Ili scowled. “This is Damon. He’s your evolutionary superior.”

Roseidous flashed his charming (????) smile, and stuck out his hand. “Hi there, I’m Roseidous. You may have seen me on my show- ‘Late Night Stud Chat- with Roseidous’.”

“I can’t say I have.” Damon said, looking at Roser’s hand like it was a dead fish. (The “like” being debatable)

“Well, that’s because it doesn’t exist yet.” Roseidous said. “But some day- it will! And then you’ll be able to look back and say: ‘Hey, I knew that guy when he was just Roseidous, and not Roseidous!’”

He glanced back nervously at Roses and Ann. “Er, are you guys going to crush my dreams now?”

“I think this one will handle itself, Roser.” Ann said.

“Oh, okay.”

“PAGAN!” Phred Felps roared. “IDOLATER!”

His crowd roared in response. Surprisingly enough, they weren’t pointing at Ian- they were pointing at Tyrael, walking down the street with Randall. Randall raised a thick, wooden finger and flipped them off.

Tyrael stopped in front of the others, grinning. “You hear that? Some poor idiot is getting called an idolater! Boy, I’d hate to be him!”

“AND HE GOES DIRECTLY TO THEM!” Phred Felps shouted triumphantly. “Brothers and sisters, we are witnessing a gathering of all evil kind!”

“Well, can’t say he’s wrong about that,” Katherine muttered.

“Ty! You ran away from us last night!” Holli said. Tails quickly blocked off his escape.

“We didn’t even get to tape you all the way up!” Tails said.

“Oh, er, that was you?!” Tyrael said, shocked. “Uh, I thought it was, um… Bob!”

“Bob?”

“Bob.” Tyrael said, more definitely. “So, uh, what’s new?”

“Ian has Dark Shadow issues” Jan said.

Tyrael shrugged. “Who doesn’t know that?”

“I DO NOT!”

Randall’s face was blank for a moment, and then he got it. “Oh- hey! Issues! Those types of issues!”

“I don’t have any f***in Dark Shadow issues!” Ian snapped. “And I don’t have any f***in Umar issues either!”

“They’re the same thing!” Holli said.

“I’ll tell you who Dark Shadow was,” Randall said gruffly. “It was that Jaina girl, I’d bet my wooden ass on it.”

“No, he was definitely a guy,” Jan said. “Only a guy would be stupid enough to think he could get power by following John around!”

“HEY!” Ian and Randall said simultaneously. Silent Jim frowned.

“You know, you sort of do the same thing…” Katherine said.

“So do you!” Ili said.

“Yeah, but he’s my dad.” Katherine said. “What’s your excuse?”

“Is it my fault I thought he was actually going to succeed at something when I signed up?” Ili grumbled.

“And I’m only there because I’m with Ian!” Jan said.

“And that’s… better… how?” Tails asked.

Jan thought for a moment and frowned. “Crap. Um, would I save face if I said it was also because of my personal vendetta against Ann?”

“Oh, come on,” Ann said. “You got over that when we were nine.”

Jan pouted and mumbled something to the effect of “At least I have a boyfriend.”

“Only Satan himself is missing from this gathering of sin!” Phred Felps blared. “Only one being, one serpent, one- uh… has anybody seen my wallet? There’s a hole in my pocket…”

Katherine appeared where she had been standing a moment before and innocently hid her knife.

“We are only waiting on one person, aren’t we?” Jan said.

“Want me to go up to the room and drag Lordy out by his hair?” Ili asked.

“No, just let him come down on his own,” Roses said. “He’s probably just sitting up there pouting, and soon he’ll get bored and come down and hang out with us- but pretend he doesn’t need to.”

“Can’t we leave before then?” Katherine asked.

***

I’m bored of just sitting here and pouting, John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuuuuum!) thought. I think I’ll go down soon and hang out with them- BUT NOT BECAUSE I NEED THEM! …I hope they don’t leave before that…

He was sitting on a chair- his surrogate throne- in the center of his suite. Goober and Leroy were scurrying around, dusting and reordering things so that John wouldn’t think they weren’t working. But John was far too deep in his internal revelry to care.

I wonder what paint tastes like. Probably like paint. Are there different flavors for the different colors? Maybe all ice cream is vanilla, but they paint it, and that’s how it gets its flavor. Ooooh… I bet that’s it! I should think like this more often!

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

“GAH!” John cried. “Fire alarm! Save me! Ian, burn something and stop the fire!” He threw himself down under his chair and covered his eyes.

“Er, m’lord?” Goober said. “It, ah, it’s the phone…”

“I knew that!” John snapped, standing up. “I was just making sure you did!” He stalked over to the black cell phone on the kitchen table and picked up. “Hello?”

“John?”

“Speaking.”

“Lord of Darkness?”

“Ye- wait, which one?”

“Um… (Dum Dum Duuuuuuum!)?”

“Oh, okay- speaking.”

“Oh, John, good. You know who this is, right?”

John thought for a moment. “Er… Roses?”

“Wha- no! Not Roses! Do I sound like a ‘Roses’ to you?!”

“Oh, uh… Ann?”

“Do I sound like a girl at all?!” The voice demanded. “Just- listen, turn on your TV.”

John signaled for Leroy to turn the TV on.

“Okay…”

“Now go to Channel 24601.”

“Is that even a channel?”

“Just go there!”

John picked up the remote and punched in the numbers. The channel changed, and John saw a man, sitting at a desk, holding a phone. On the TV, and over the phone, the man said “Can you see me?”

“Er… yeah.”

“And do you know who I am?”

“Of course I do!” John said.

“Well, g-“

“You’re Brad Pitt!”

The face on the TV screen- which did look a lot like Brad Pitt- frowned. “No. Not Brad Pitt.”

“Oh, sorry. Mr. Packard, right?”

“No! I sent you that email, remember?”

“Er… BaldwinBoy5?”

“No!”

“Oh, uh… RockerBaby?”

“No!”

“… EvIlCrImInAlMaStRmInDBOIE113?”

“Yes!”

“Oh… oh! You’re the one who had the business proposition!”

“That’s right!” The face on the TV grinned. “What are you doing in March, John?”

“Uh… nothing? Try to take over the world?”

“How would you like to help me kill the Justice League?”

“The Justice League?” John repeated. “Of America?”

“No, the other one.”

“Oh. Them. Well, I really don’t have any problem with them…”

“B-but you’re evil, right? Shouldn’t you want to wipe them out in order to solidify your own power?”

“Well, I would… if they had done something to me. Say, if they helped defeat some massive army I made out of some mutated meat product, after I had beat them all fair and square when they tried to invade my cave. Like that’ll ever happen!”

The Brad Pitt look alike sighed in annoyance. “Never mind. Just- listen, write me back if you change your mind, okay?”

“About what?”

“About the business proposition!”

“Why do you call it that?”

“Because that’s what it is!”

“Why don’t you call it the Evil Plan to Kill the Justice League?”

“Because that’s too obvious, and not sinister at all!”

“It sounds sinister to me!”

The Brad Pitt look alike frowned. “Why does that not surprise me?”

“Er… I don’t know?”

“Listen, just… drop me a line if you change your mind about…”

“The Evil Plan to Kill the Justice League?”

“…It.”

“Oh, uh, okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Enjoy your vacation, John. And don’t lose my email address.”

“I won’t.”

“Good.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye.”

The phone hung up and the TV immediately went to static.

“What was that?” Leroy asked.

John shrugged. “I don’t know. Wrong number, I guess. Now, both of you- come on! We’re going down stairs!”

***

“We should have escaped when we had the chance.” Katherine grumbled, as John approached them. He was sitting in his chair, carried on the backs of Leroy and Goober.

“Ah, Tri-Leaders. My evil allies. Isn’t it a beautiful-“

Goober and Leroy stopped and stood up straight, causing John to fall out of his chair and onto his street.

“Oooooh… owies…”

“Hi John.” Roses said.

John stood up and brushed off his cloak. “Roses. Hi. I was just here to, uh, stretch my legs. Yeah. I wasn’t here to hang out with you guys!”

“Okay.”

“Because- because I don’t need you guys!”

“Alrighty then.”

“Good!” John nodded sharply. “So, uh, what’s going on?”

“Ian has-“

“-Dark Shadow issues? I know.”

“I DO- wait, how do you know?” Ian asked.

John raised an eyebrow. “Who doesn’t?”

“That’s what I said!” Tyrael said.

Ian’s face turned bright red and he folded his arms over his chest and fumed.

“Look at that- that CREATURE!” Phred Felps shrieked, pointing at John. “It is not of this Earth!”

“Yeah, you KNOW my bod’s out of this world!” John said, and began to flex his non-existent muscles.

“Okay, even I’m turned off now.” Jan said.

“You know you all love it!” John said, but more to himself to the others. He looked at Damon. “Who’s the white boy?”

“Lordy, this is Damon. Damon, this is John, Lord of Darkness (Dum Dum Duuuuuum!)- my employer and eternal curse.”

Damon nodded, looking John over. John had gone almost as pale as Damon.

“Y- What’s your name?”

“Damon.” Damon said.

“Your name is Daman?”

“My name is Damon.”

Silence.

“What is this?” John suddenly demanded. “Is this a joke?” He glared at Katherine. “Is your mother behind this?!”

Katherine blinked. “Uh… what are you talking about?”

John grabbed Damon by the collar. “You think this is funny?!” He snapped. “Who thinks this is funny?!”

Damon reached down and casually removed John’s hands from his collar. “First off- I don’t appear to be laughing. Second- never, ever touch me again.”

John looked around at the others. “This isn’t a joke?”

“No, believe it or not, his name really is Damon!” Tails said in mock awe.

“Never mind,” John grumbled. Then he brightened. “Hey! Are you a new evil ally?”

Damon blinked, taken aback for once. “Er…”

“Of course he is!” Ili said. “But he’s mine! All mine! All of you remember that!” She glanced suspiciously at all of the girls. “You too Ian!”

“WHAT?!”

“Um, could we interrupt?” Someone said.

Ian whipped around, and screamed at the top of his lungs: “I DO NOT HAVE DARK SHADOW ISSUES!!!!!”

Ian opened his eyes to see who he had yelled at, and jerked back. “Whoa!”

“Hey! It’s you!” Roseidous said.

“It’s you!” Ann growled.

“Er… what’s going on here?” Katherine asked.

“THE CLOWNS!” Phred Felps blared.

“THE CLOWNS!” His crowd cried.

“Is there an echo in here?” John asked, looking around.

And it was, indeed, two clowns, standing one the street before them.

“Er, yeah. Hi there.” The first clown said. “Uh, some of you know us already,” He glanced uneasily at the Tri-Leaders. “But allow us to introduce ourselves- I’m George,”

“And I’m Paul,” The other clown said.

“And we’re the Spectacular Clown Duo!” They said simultaneously.

“Formally of the Leonardo Travelling Troupe,” Paul said.

“We were a quartet then.” George said, glancing at John.

“Uh… that’s nice.” Jan said. “But, um, excuse me asking, but, why the f*** are you here?”

“We’ve actually come to invite you to our new establishment!” George said, producing a pile of business cards. “George and Paul’s Teenage Night Club- admittance granted to anyone over the age of twelve!”

Ian glanced evilly at Katherine and was about to say something, when she stomped on his toe.

“Oh, uh, cool…” Ann said.

“Yeah.” George said. “It’s our grand opening, and we really need-“

“Look how these dirty fairies try to manipulate our children’s minds and lead them down the path to sin and ruin!” Phred Felps said. “See how they-“

“I’M TRYING TO TALK HERE, @$$HOLE!” George snapped, and Phred Felps grudgingly shut up. “Anyway, where was I?”

“You were about to say that we needed people to show up,” Paul said. “Which we do.”

“Yeah, all of the other teenagers are too busy forging I.D.’s to get into real night clubs.” George said. “That’s why we started this place anyway- to end the rash of fake I.D.’s that plague our society!”

“A noble quest indeed,” Holli said, as she, Tails, Ian, Jan, and just about everyone else hid their forged I.D.’s.

Ann shrugged. “Well, we don’t really have anything better to do…”

“Speak for yourselves!” John said. “Not that, uh, I won’t come!”

“Trust me, you won’t want to miss this.” Paul said, and exchanged a knowing look with George.

“No alcohol, right?” Roses asked, glancing pointedly at Holli and Tails.

“We didn’t even try to apply for a liquor license,” George said. “But there’s a dance floor and music and everything you need for a good party!”

“Except people,” Paul muttered.

“Yeah, except that. Even though we might get some more customers by the time we get there…”

“Everybody want to go?” Roses asked.

“F*** YEAH! WHOO!” Ian said.

“Hey! Don’t answer her!” John snapped. Then he said. “So, everybody want to go?”

“Uh… f*** yeah. Whoo.” Jan said. Silent Jim shrugged.

“It’s indoors, right?” Ili asked George and Paul.

“Yep.”

“Not a lot of really bright lights?”

“Not really.”

“Then we’re fine!” She said, and grabbed Damon’s arm.

“And Goober’s here!” Katherine cheered. “He’s such a party animal, you know.”

“He is not!” John snapped. “I am! I’m a party animal!”

Silence.

“You know I am! Everyone loves me at their parties!”

“Which is why you’re always invited.” Tails said.

“Exactly!”

“Because, you know, we just love it when you try to crash every social event we ever plan.”

“See!” John said proudly. “I told you so!”

“We’re going to open it soon,” George said. “We’ll give you a ride over in the clown car!”

A clown car- about the size of a shopping cart- rolled up. And, logical, well-thought young men and women that they were, everyone tried to crowd in at once.

“Ow! Someone stepped on me!”

“HEY! Who bit me! I swear, when I get my hands on you…”

“Er… what sort of jerk would bite Randall like that?! Jerk…”

“Ian touched me!”

“Me too!”

“Yo, how do you know it was me?”

“…”

“Oh. Uh… want a hug? OW! Hey!”

George and Paul watched from outside.

“Maybe we should have just waited for the bus…” George said.

“As long as enough of them are still alive to be customers.” Paul said.

“Hey, did you see the kid…?”

“Yeah- that must be him.”

“And the two girls, too.”

“Weird.”

“Yeah. And things are just getting started.”

“You want to drive, or should I?”

“I’ll drive.”

“You always drive.”

“Well, you offered!”

“… Okay, fine, you drive. But promise me you’ll at least drive in the general direction of the Felps guy, okay?”

“My pleasure…”

And so, crammed into a clown car, the Tri-Leaders, Junior Tri-Leaders, John, the Evil Allies… and Damon… drove off into the approaching night.


Roses:

“Why did we come here?” Roses asked Ann.

“What?!” Ann shouted.

“I said, why did we come here?!”

“I can’t hear you!”

Roses gave up and turned her attention back to the bar. The bartender was supposed to be getting her a drink, but she suspected he had forgotten. ‘The only teenage bar around and Ann and I are the only non-teenagers in it,’ she thought, and looked out at the dance floor.

The entire room seemed to be moving. And it rather was. It was completely filled with moving people. Probably because those two clowns had attacked every teenager on the island. Flashing lights and a fog machine only added more confusion. Roses was getting a headache from the noise when, thankfully, there was a break in the music.

“Where are Holli, Tails, and Roseidous?” she asked Tyrael, who was sitting next to her. “And stop spinning your chair around like that. It’s making me dizzy.”

“I don’t know where the girls went, but Rosey said he was going to find some hot chicks…something like that, anyway.”

“Was he wearing his grass skirt?”

“Yep.” Ann answered. She had apparently found their drinks, and handed one to Roses. Noticing her expression, she quickly added, “There’s nothing in it! I promise!”

“Did he wear anything under it this time?”

Ann shuddered. “I certainly didn’t check.”

“Hey, look who’s here.” Tyrael pointed.

The Pizza Boys emerged out of the crowd on the dance floor.

“Drink?” Ann offered.

Nothlit backed away. “Um…no.”

“I didn’t mean from me.” Ann glared. “From the bar.”

“Oh. No, thanks.”

“Did you see Holli and Tails out there?” Roses asked.

“Yeah, they’re coming this way.” Todd said.

Tyrael shrieked, jumped off his seat, and turned to go the other way. Unfortunately, he ran into Holli and Tails.

“Hey, Ty!” Holli grinned. “Wanna dance?”

“I don’t dance. I jig.” He looked offended.

Holli shrugged and grabbed his arm. “Well then, I guess you’ll have to teach me how.”

They disappeared into the people and Tails smiled brightly at the Pizza Boys. “So guys, guess it’s all of you with me.”

“You’re dancing with all of us?” Cait looked doubtful.

“Of course! Now go!”

“Yes, ma’am.”

They left Ann and Roses at the bar.

“Roses?”

“Yes, Ann?”

“Want to go find Rosey and dance with him?”

Roses glared at her.

“Never mind, then. But you need to have some fun. We’re starting not to like you anymore. I mean, we defeated John, he’s not bothering us, we’re here on vacation, what’s the problem?”

“I have no idea.” Roses admitted. “Ever since Katherine found out John was her father and talked about the genetic aging thing and going back in time, something’s been bothering me. My brain’s trying to tell me something isn’t quite right.”

“Oh. Well…” Ann voice trailed off and she stared over Roses’ shoulder.

“What?”

“Don’t look now, but here he comes. It was bad enough riding over here with him.”

Roses turned around and saw John walking towards the bar. He didn’t notice the two Tri-Leaders, and ordered a drink. Ann left her seat and stood next to him.

“You want something else to go with that drink? How about a dance?” She asked, using the Sexy Voice (tm).

“I think a certain sort of dance would be nice. If you know what I mean.” He still didn’t look at her.

“Anything you want. You can be the Lord of My Frilly Underpants.”

He spun around. “ANN!!”

“John!”

“Don’t do that.”

Roses joined them. “I’m tired of you being around. We were invited to come here first, so you can leave now.”

“You can’t make me! I have backup!”

“Where’d they go?” Ann looked around.

“Um…I think Ian and Jan are ‘dancing’” they all shuddered. “And Ili and Damon I HATE THAT NAME are dancing. Silent Jim is outside; he said something about not going into a bar without alcoholic beverages. Anyway, we just got here, we are not leaving.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Roses grabbed Ann’s arm. “Then we’re leaving.”

Ann glanced at the dance floor; the music was starting up again. “I’m not going in there.”

Roses gave her a look and marched toward the nearest group of people. Somehow, they parted, giving her a clear path.

“I didn’t know you could do that!” Ann chased after her. “But, Roses, we can all stay here, you know. There’s no need to ruin everyone’s fun!”

Roses reached the Pizza Boys and yanked Tails away from them. “Goodbye guys, we’re going now.”

“But…” A look from Roses stopped any protests.

They continued across the room and found themselves in an open place under the disco ball. It was apparently reserved for three people. Two of them indeed, were jigging. The other was dancing his own special dance. People watched appreciatively.

“He *did* wear something under it.” Ann shielded her eyes from the sparkly gold Speedo.

“Don’t encourage him!” Roses shouted to the crowd. “Ann, go get him. Tails, go get Holli and Tyrael. We’re not just leaving the club, we are going home.”

“But…”

“NOW!!”

The music stopped.

A strange song began to play. Roses watched as Holli and Tyrael’s dance changed. Roseidous, Tails, and Ann also began to dance the same way. People backed away from them. The dance seemed to involve using only their heads to spin themselves around. Roses couldn’t help but join in. It was something she just had to do, for some reason. As she spun, she noticed John and his associates doing the same sort of dance. The Pizza Boys, too. But it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the dance. The Dance of Eternal Happiness.

***

Roses woke up, but didn’t open her eyes. She seemed to be lying on the floor.

“Ann?”

“Yes?” Ann’s concerned voice came from somewhere vaguely overhead.

“What did you put in my drink?”

Ann and several other people laughed. “Nothing! Really! And we’re glad you’re awake.”

Roses risked looking around. All of the Tri-Leaders and Pizza Boys stared down at her, strange expressions on all of their faces.

“Uh-oh. You’re all looking at me funny. What did I do?” She quickly sat up and made sure she was dressed.

“You don’t remember?” Roseidous sat down next to her and everyone else joined them on the floor.

Roses noticed that Ian, Silent Jim, Jan, Katherine, and Ili were standing around the group, too. Damon had apparently left. John was nowhere to be seen.

“Oh, don’t tell me he captured us.”

“No…we’re still in the club.” Holli pointed behind Roses, towards the bar. John was spinning around on one of the chairs. It was morning, and sunlight streamed into the otherwise empty building.

“I get it!” Roses said. “This is all a joke. It’s not funny.”

“No joke. You mean, you *really* don’t remember?” TAS also sounded concerned.

“TAS? You’re not running around. You’re never serious. In fact, none of us are ever serious. Someone had better tell me what is going on, AND I MEAN NOW!!”

John hopped off the still spinning bar stool and knelt in front of her. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

Roses looked at the group. They waited expectantly for her answer.

She sighed. “Well, we were at the club, but I decided we were going home. And then the music started back up…and we all started dancing…and…and…” her eyes widened as her memories returned. All of them.

“Yes, now you’ve got it.” John regarded her calmly.

Roses jumped to her feet and pointed a shaking finger at him. “You’re…you’re…you’re my brother!”

“Yes.” He continued to stare. “And what else?”

“And Ann and I are twins. Our parents are Ringo and Molly. They adopted Rosey. And then they disappeared in that time traveling accident.

“Don’t forget EVIL Elementary.”

“Right. I remember…after they were gone, we all moved to the neighborhood and met Holli and Tails and the Pizza Boys and everyone. We were all at EVIL elementary. Mr. Sauron’s class. And Professor Snape, and…and…the Memory Potion! It exploded!”

“No one else was this dramatic when they remembered.” Roseidous complained.

“No, keep going, we should all hear it out loud.” Ann said.

Roses continued. “We forgot everything and I guess that’s when we were really split up. But we ended up in high school together. Well, most of us. Then there was that whole Albuquerque thing. Yes, and we met Cait and TAS when they had to rescue us from Clyattville, and then Todd moved here. Ann, your family took you to Europe, right? And we met when I moved to Budapest.”

Ann nodded.

“Then we became the Tri-Leaders and met John. But before that, where were you, John?”

“Evil school. In another dimension.” He answered simply. “I was at Albuquerque though, ready to cash in on the benefits of taking over the world.”

“Yes, I remember you saying something about Albuquerque when we first met.” Roses said. “And we’ve been fighting ever since.”

“No wonder we hate him so much.” Ann said. “Sibling rivalry.”

“It’s weird.” Tails said, looking around. “After spending our whole childhood together, we forgot each other. But here we are, together again.”

“Yes, but how did we remember?” Roseidous asked. “It was the dance, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, that was our parents’ dance.” Ann answered him. “I don’t know what kind of power it has, but it’s something.”

Roses sat back down with everyone. “You all remember? Everything?”

They nodded.

Todd even laughed. “I remember that time Roses and Ann set off the sprinkler system and John got blamed for it.”

“Yes.” Nothlit agreed. “John *Thaddeus* Crawford.”

“Shut up!” John protested.

“Hey, *nothing* is as bad as that Jar Jar Binks mask.” Ann elbowed Roses.

“I’m warning you…” John threatened them.

“Okay, okay, we’ll stop.”

“Hey, everyone does remember when Professor Snape turned me into a newt, right?” Tyrael asked proudly.

“How could we forget?” Tails said. “Oh, wait…”

“And we went to that dance—“

“Katherine!” Roses interrupted Yoda’s story. “What about Katherine? I knew something was wrong when she found out you were her father.”

“Oh, that’s easy.” Katherine said. “You all remember Ebony from elementary school now. Well, she went to Evil School with John in that other dimension. They hooked up to take over the world and ended up with me instead. But Ebony tried to genetically make me older and ended up sending me back in time.”

“That does explain those strange references you made to things we didn’t understand.” Tails agreed.

Holli stared dreamily at the ceiling. “I remember Draco…I wonder where he is, anyway.”

“I don’t know.” Roses sighed. “But those were good times. Just think of where we’d be if that potion hadn’t exploded.”

“Yeah, we need someone to blame. Whose fault was that?” Yoda asked.

Everyone looked at Ann, who immediately responded with “Don’t look at me! I wasn’t even in that class!”

Silent Jim pointed at John and then at Ian. No one noticed.

“I definitely wasn’t in elementary school with you.” Jan said. “I was just dancing along for fun. Not my fault you people have issues.”

“Holli, Tails, and Tyrael were all in that class.” Ian suggested.

The three Junior Tri-Leaders seemed to think about it. Then began arguing about who could really take credit for the explosion.

Silent Jim jumped up and down and grabbed Ili’s arm.

“What?!” She pried him off. “I’m trying to hear them fight!”

Silent Jim pointed John and Ian again. Then he pantomimed stirring a cauldron.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I did put in the wrong ingredient!” Tails was yelling.

“But I left on the fire too long!” Holli yelled back.

“No, you didn’t!”

Tyrael covered his ears.

“Yes, I did!”

“Girls, girls.” Roses tried to interrupt them.

“No, you didn’t!”

“Time for some mud wrestling!” Roseidous said happily. “To decide the winner!”

“Yes, I did!”

“Shut up, Rosey.” Ann hit him.

“No, you didn’t!”

“Um…we should leave.” Nothlit tried to stand up.

“Yes, I did!”

“No, let’s watch!” Todd yanked him back down.

“No, you didn’t!”

“Everybody, SHUT UP!” Silent Jim yelled, and the room fell silent. “Thank you. Now, the way I remember it, John was working in the lab with Ebony. But he was trying to make a move on her, so she hit him and asked me to be her partner. That left Ian and John to work together. And you know how that goes…”

They all thought about it.

“Son of a—John!” Roses shouted. “It’s all your fault!”

“No! You see, Roses, it’s Ian’s fault, too!” He stood up and backed away from her.

She leaped to her feet and pulled out her gavel. She stared at it, sighed, tossed it to Ann, and pulled out her whip.

John and his associates kept backing towards the door.

“Roses, there’s no need to get violent. I’m sure it was all an accident. It was years ago, anyway, there’s no need to punish me—I mean, Ian—now.”

“Besides, you’re being dramatic again.” Roseidous said. “The musical is over. Stop it.”

“I like it when she gets out the whip.” Holli grinned and pulled out her own rope.

Tails stood up, waving handcuffs. “You better run.”

Everyone except John wisely took this advice and ran.

“They better be fast.” Ann commented. “And you better catch up.”

John narrowed his eyes. “Why?”

Tyrael shrugged. “No reason, really. But we left Bubba out there last night. He tried to get in the club, so we had to tranquilize him. And it’s just about time for him to wake up.”

John paled and ran after his associates. The morning was silent. At least, it was until Bubba quacked.

“Well, good luck to them,” Cait said. “But we probably should go.”

“Yeah, we have to open for lunch.” Nothlit agreed, and the Pizza Boys stood up.

“You should come visit us more often.” Todd offered. “We can talk about more stuff from EVIL school. Like that time Ian started the food fight and the entire school got detention. That was fun.”

“Yes, it was.” Roses and the others waved goodbye.

Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, TAS screamed.

“Problem?” Tails asked.

“I just thought about something! Roses and Roseidous got married!”

There were looks of disgust from the group. From everyone except Roses and Roseidous.

“You forget that we’re not *really* related. I was adopted.” Roseidous pointed out.

“But still. You are sort of brother and sister.” Ann shuddered. “Eww.”

“Don’t worry.” Roses reassured everyone. “We aren’t even together anymore. And it’s not like anything happened.”

“That’s not what you told me!” Tyrael said.

Roses slapped Roseidous. Holli and Tails giggled, and the Pizza Boys left for the restaurant.

“Are we ready to go now?” Roses looked at the sunlight outside.

“What about John?” Holli asked.

“Oh, he’ll be back.” Ann said. “He has to. We’re related. And that means…”

“We can be even meaner to him?”

“Yep!”

“You know,” Roses stood up. “I haven’t even been to the beach yet.”

Ann stared at her. “Are you back to normal?”

“Maybe.” Roses grinned evilly. “How about, first person to the beach gets to throw Vic in the water?”

“And the last person?”

Roses’ grin somehow got more evil.

“Last person has to kiss Bubba,” she jumped up and ran for the door.

The other Tri-Leaders shrieked and ran after her. “You really are better!” Ann said, smiling.

“Not fair!” Roseidous complained. “I have to go back to the room and get a new Speedo! Unless, of course, I just don’t wear one!”

“NOOOO!!!”

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