The cave stank of mold and bat dung. The only light in the room was that from a small hole in the roof. It was dark, dirty and reeked of unspeakable odors. But John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuum!) loved it just the same. After all, it was his headquarters.

John sat on his cardboard throne, listening to the water that dripped from the stalactites on the cavernous ceiling above. He was at a lack of inspiration for evil plans. After his recent brain child, La Resistance, he had hit a "villain's block, as it is commonly referred to in the field. La Resistance was a brilliant idea, though. A revolutionary, Les Miserables-esque group that was really a vehicle for John's plans to take over the Earth. He was just waiting for a chance to use it--but now, with no news from the Tri-Leaders, John was at a loss. It was never good to be left in the dark about the Tri-Leader's movements... it usually meant they were up to something. So John was trying to get inspiration the way he usually did... by whacking his underlings with a live trout.

John's Supreme Pee-On, Goober was walking towards him, and just as John was about to give him a good trout whacking, he noticed that Goober was holding the mail.

"Man that was a long sentence..." John muttered. Goober bowed and placed the mail at John's feet.

"The mail my leige." Goober said.

"OOOOH! Did Mini-Trucker Magazine come?!?!?!?!... I mean... um... that is all... uh... you are...uh...dismissed..."

Goober bowed again and turned away.

Suddenly, John noticed a letter sticking out of Goober's back pocket. "HEY! What's that?"

Before Goober could respond, John had leaped off his throne and grabbed the letter. He gasped when he looked at the envelope. "This is a Tri-Leader seal! Why would they write you a letter???"

John ripped the envelope open and took the letter out. It said: "Dear Goober, You are cordially invited to the wedding of Roses and Roseidous. You will find the location in the Tri-Leader's Chamber on the Evilness 102 Message Board. We assume that you know the password. We hope that you will join us in this celebration of love and union. Sincerely, Roses and Roseidous."

John's eyes opened the widest they possibly could. Unfortunately a gnat flew into one of his eyes. After he had picked it out, he opened his eyes as wide as possible(again) and said:

"ROSES AND ROSEIDOUS ARE GETTING MARRIED???????"

John lunged at his mail pile and began frantically searching for an invitation. At the very bottom of the pile was a letter with the Tri-Leader seal.

"Here it is!" He crowed and tore it open. The letter read: "Dear John, Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuuum!), You are cordially invited to..." John's eyes widened even more. "... to my Aunt Martha's birthday. Sincerely, Ann Chovi." John's jaw dropped.

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?"

John's face turned a remarkable shade of red and was twisted with rage. He turned on Goober.

"WHY?!?!?!?! Why would they invite you and not me?? I'm so much more fun and interesting than you!!!!"

John noticed another part of the letter, right below the signature. "P.S.: Can you bring Goober? He's a real party animal!" John threw the letter across the room.

"WHY?!?!?!" He yelled, grabbing Goober by the front of his collar and pulling him off the floor.

"WHY?!?!?!?!?!"

"Well... um..." Goober answered timidly. "They probably thought you'd try to ruin it or something..."

John paused. "Why would they think that?"

"Well, maybe it's the whole 'I will not stop until we have foiled all the Tri-Leaders' plans" speech you say at all their parties..."

John dropped Goober.

"Fine. They don't want to invite me, fine. But they'll regret it..."

"Y-your majesty? You're not actually thinking of trying to ruin the wedding are you?" Goober said.

"And why not?' John demanded.

"Because it's a wedding! It's a beautiful and sacred thing!"

"So?"

"HOW THICK ARE YOU???" Goober yelled.

John's face grew even more purple. "You dare to oppose me?" He said in a dangerous hiss. Goober resisted the urge to run away screaming and wetting himself.

"Oh well." John said. "I'll have you tortured later. Now, tell me Goober, what is the password for the Tri-Leader's Chamber?"

Goober worked up every last ounce of courage he had and said: "I'll never tell."

"What?"

"I said I'll never tell! I'm not gonna let you ruin this! I'm sick of you pushing me around, and I'm sick of being called Goober! My name is Dante! Dante Hicks! Can you get that through your thick skull? MY NAME IS DANTE HICKS!!!!!!" As soon as Goober finished, a trap door opened below him. Goober fell a very long way until he was to far away to see.

John turned around to see the rest of his underlings staring, shocked. "Let that be a lesson to all of you. Now, get about your business and DO NOT get in my way."

~a little while later~

John Lord of Darkness(Dum Dum Duuuuum!) sat down on his throne. So Roses and Roseidous were getting married.

"Interesting," he said with a smirk. "VERY interesting..."

Ilinana, Fitey's split personality, arrived in John, Lord of Darkness'(Dum Dum Duuuuuum!) headquarters astride her pet, Furyion. John was sitting on his throne, looking much cheerier than usual. Ili walked up casually.

"Hey Lord of Darkness. Did you hear that Roses and Roseidous are getting hitched?"

John grated at the fact that Ili knew. "How'd you know?"

Ili shrugged. "They invited Fitey. So... what are you going to do about it?" John sighed. "Am I really that predictable? Well, I do have a plan. But I won't have to do the first part if you know where the wedding is being held."

"Nope. No clue."

"Poopy! Well, then I'm just gonna have to go through with my plan... which is that I infiltrate the bridal shower, learn the location of the wedding and crash it."

"Great plan." Ili said sarcastically.

"You really think so?!?!?" John said happily... the entire concept of sarcasm lost on him.

Ili rolled her eyes. "You do realize that since this is a wedding story, you trying to stop it makes you the villain and therefore results in your miserable and painful failure..."

If John had listened, the ordeal that hey went through later would never have happened... but unfortunately, John doesn't understand big words like "therefore."

John said; "Um... yeah. So?"

Ili let it go. "Anyway, are you gonna do all that yourself? Infiltrating the shower and all?"

John smiled. "Nope. I've got some help."

"I see. And who is this imaginary hatchet man?" Ili asked.

"Hatchet men." John said. "GUYS! Come on out!"

Two guys stepped out of the shadows.

"Ili, meet my hatchet men: Ian, king of Unparalleled Nastiness, and Silent Jim!"

There was a loud series of coughs that sounded oddly like "rip-off."

Ili stared in disbelief. "You're using them?"

"These two are the best in the business!" John said proudly.

"What business?" Ili whispered.

"I don't know... but they must be the best at SOMETHING."

Then, aloud, John said: "We've got the whole bridal shower infiltration plot arranged. You see there's gonna be a stripper there."

"Do I really want to know this?" Ili asked.

"I heard that originally it was gonna be Tyrael... but Roseidous "discouraged" him from doing it. So now they're looking to hire a new one. So I had Ian go in for an interview, and apparently they liked what they saw..."

Ian leered. "They're gonna have me dress up as a fireman!"

"Um... right. Anyway, while Ian's... entertaining all the girls, me and Silent Jim will sneak onto their computer and find out where the wedding'll be held. Then we'll figure out a plan to crash the wedding."

"What if the computer's password protected?" Ili asked.

"That's what Silent Jim's here for. He's a freaking technological genius! He's like freaking McGuyver. No, better than McGuyver!"

"Well then... why don't you just have him crack the code on the Tri-Leader's Chamber and save yourself the trouble."

Silence.

"Um... that'd be too... uh... easy..." John said.

"Ok, fine. Anyway, it sounds like a great plan, but would you mind if I sat this one out?"

John shrugged. "Well... sure if you want to..."

"Oh, trust me. I do. Now I've gotta go. Um by Ian and Silent Jim." Ili hopped onto Furyion and flew away.

"I think she likes me." Ian said to Silent Jim. "Did you see the way she was looking at me...?"

As Ili flew away on Furyion's back, she said to her pet: "It's so sad to see him plan. Sometimes he has some good ideas, but he's such a moron! And as for Ian and Silent Jim, well..." Ili sighed. "Oh well. At least we KNOW he'll fail this time. The villain never wins in wedding stories."

They rode on in silence for a few minutes.

"Hey! Wanna go burn some rural villages?" Ili asked. And that's just what they did.


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