The Interview


Voiceover: You know them as the people who want to take over the world. Tonight, in an exclusive interview with our correspondent Deborah, learn more about their plans, their friends, their enemies, and maybe learn some things you didn't even want to know. Join us as we reveal the secret life of...the Tri-Leaders.

The scene switches to a lake in the woods. A well-dressed reporter is standing in front of it, holding a microphone.

Deborah: Good evening, I'm Deborah Thompson. Yes, they may sound dangerous or maybe just plain crazy, but they would be the first to admit to that. We met up with the Tri-Leaders here, at Camp Milk and Cookies. The location is undisclosed and in fact, our crew was brought in blindfolded for extra security. But this peaceful camp is where we will interview the Tri-Leaders. We start with Roses, the oldest Tri-Leader and...well, we'll just let her tell us the story.

The scene changes to the inside of a cabin. Roses sits in front of the camera, a whip in the corner behind her.

Deborah: How did the Tri-Leaders meet?

Roses: We met at the Morphz messageboard, of course. There was this age poll and we found out that we were the three oldest people. Roseidous actually declared us the Tri-Leaders, and we eventually realized our plans to take over the world.

Deborah: Yes, speaking of that, how exactly do you plan to take over?

Roses: Milk and cookies. Oreo cookies. Special ones. Ann makes them in her moonbase, and they're really very good. Want one, Deborah?

Deborah: Um...no thanks. Sources tell us that these cookies turn people who oppose you into various...things.

Roses: It all depends on which cookie you get. But we do give people options. You can do what we tell you, you can take your chances with an Oreo, or you can be a slave in the coal mines. It's all very simple.

Deborah: But you don't do it all by yourselves. Tell us a little about your associates.

Roses: Vinnie is our cross-dressing hit man. He doesn't say much, but he can certainly get the job done and he has a wonderful fashion sense. Vic is our garden gnome who gets us any supplies we need. As long as we don't ask how. Murry is a demonic, possessed skull from the underworld. He asked to demonstrate his trash-talking scare tactics on this show, but I was afraid you'd have to cut it all out. Al Broker is a two-headed monkey robot. One head handles our savings and the other handles spending. Billy Jo is a squirrel in charge of security, you probably met him on the way in.

Deborah: Er...yes. Please continue.

Roses: The supermodel clones are our army. And believe me, who wants to hurt a beautiful woman? They can stop armies of men by brushing their hair. Sally is a blow-up doll. I think she could be a good spy for us, but Rosey won't let her out of his sight very much. I'm sure you noticed the cameras in the corner over there. Stan is the ferret/weasel in charge of computer networking and spy cameras. And finally, there's Bubba, the giant emperor penguin. His only use, really, is as a scare tactic or a diversion.

Deborah: Even with all of this...help, you have some enemies don't you? One in particular?

Roses: Oh, you mean John, Lord of Darkness (dum dumm duummm!!!)? Yes. He's not so bad. He tries very hard, you know. It's a shame that we're smarter than he is. I don't dislike him or anything. I mean, I have to respect anyone who chooses to fight against us.

Deborah: That is true. Could you give us any last comments about each of the Tri-Leaders?

Roses: Sure, Deborah. Ann may be a technological genius, but don't ever ask her to do anything before noon. She can be very grumpy. Roseidous does have an intelligent side, but it's hard to find. The ego keeps getting in the way. Holli reminds me of me, especially when it comes to getting what she wants. Only, not when what she wants is to drive the van. Tails is always fun to have around. Except when she wants to practice new methods of torture and can't find another volunteer. And Tyrael? Well, he certainly doesn't say much. Who knows what he's thinking? That is, if he's thinking anything at all.

The scene fades back to Deborah in front of the lake.

Deborah: For some reason, our interview with Roses only left us with more questions. We next turned to Ann Chovi to see if she could clarify a few things.

Ann sits at a table in the camp's kitchen.

Deborah: Most importantly, Ann, who is the true leader of the Tri-Leaders?

Ann Chovi: I think you know who the real leader is, Deborah. It's me. I'm the brains behind the operation; all the others are just minions with delusions of grandeur. For I am the leader! BWAHAHAHAHA! *Looks around suspiciously* You're going to cut that part out, right?

Deborah: We'll see. What's really hidden inside the moonbase?

Ann Chovi: Why do people keep asking me this?

She stands up and looks directly in the camera.

Ann Chovi: Attention everyone! There is nothing hidden in the moonbase! Nothing at all. The steel-reinforced, lead-lined concrete safe holds toilet paper and office supplies! Now quit bugging me about it! The next person who asks me gets a lifetime sentence in the mines, with no lunch breaks!

She sits back down.

Ann Chovi: Next question please.

Deborah: How did you decide on the Junior Tri-Leaders, and how are they doing in their training?

Ann Chovi: I don't remember deciding on the Junior Tri-Leaders. As I recall, Holli sat outside our fortress for a week, begging to be let in. Every time we opened the Dread Portal, there she was, trying to sneak in. Eventually we let her stay. And after we let Holli in, it was only a matter of time before Tails followed. We found Tyrael abandoned in a paper bag on the side of the road. He was just so cute a cuddly. We had to keep him. Or maybe I'm thinking about my cats.

Deborah: Can you tell us the secret of the Oreos?

Ann Chovi: You want me to tell you the secret of my Oreos? How about you first tell me the secret of how you keep your hair so bouncy, Deborah. Yeah, that's what I thought. Is this interview almost over?

Deborah: Yes, just one more thing. Give us a final thought about each of the Tri-Leaders, anything you want.

Ann Chovi: Roses...what can I say about Roses? She's our glorious "leader." Without her, I'd just be another lone megalomaniac bent on world domination. Roseidous...he's not as dumb as he looks. I think. Or maybe he is. I can never tell with that boy. But one thing's for sure. If he weren't there, we'd just be the Bi-Leaders, and that just doesn't sound right.

Back at the lake.

Deborah: Clearly, the interview with Ann Chovi did not go as planned. These people certainly won't reveal their secrets. Next, we sought out one of the Junior Tri-Leaders, Holli, to see what else we could learn.

Holli is sitting on her bed in her cabin. The room is decorated with Christmas lights, a bulletin board with messages and embarrassing pictures of boys, and other cute, girly stuff.

Deborah: So Holli, what's it like to work with people who are trying to take over the world?

Holli: Well, they haven't actually succeeded yet, and I doubt they will- but it's fun. We torture prisoners, randomly spy on enemies, borrow secret plans, and play games like "Clue."

Deborah: Our sources can't manage to find anything about Katherine, who is she and how do you get along with her?

Holli: Katherine? Oh, that's because of the whole time warp thing. It's really all Roser's fault...even though there isn't any proof. She's sweet, quite old for her age, we get along.

Deborah: People say that your Associates are very frightening, especially Vic, Vinnie, and Bubba. What is it like to be around them all the time?

Holli: Aww, Vinnie is a total sweety...as long as you don't say anything to him. He's the silent type, but very strong and bulky. Believe it or not, he's one of those manly men who's a softy inside...although that soft side seems to be showing a bit more these days. Vic is a sourpuss. We don't like each other- I think it's because I called him short once. Bubba is very cool as long as he is tranquilized. When he's not...well...Roseidous is the only one who can handle that big hunk of penguin love.

Deborah: That certainly is.... interesting. One final question: Could you tell us one thing about each of the Tri-Leaders? Anything you think we need to know."

Holli: Well, Deborah, Roseidous sometimes walks around the Tri-Leader fortress in his pink bunny pajamas- we have it on video.

She gets up and pops a video in VCR.

Deborah: Oh, um, could we maybe do that later? I'm not sure we have time for it in this segment.

Holli: Oh. Okay then. Well, Roses looks really scary in the morning- her hair is like out to here *demonstrates* I don't have to worry about that anymore, since mine is so short. Ann isn't allowed to cook meals anymore- not since last month when...well...I can't talk about that. Tails gets really cranky at night when she is trying to sleep and you are having trouble with figuring out how to rework the alarm clock Tyrael broke so that it now goes off every hour and all you did was ask her if she could find the screw driver in the handy Annie toolbox. And Tyrael...well...there's not much to say about him. He doesn't do much-- except that one time when...no, never mind. Tyrael's too nice to embarrass in front of everyone.

The lake again.

Deborah: And there you have a Junior Tri-Leader's point of view. After three interviews with female Tri-Leaders, we felt it was only fair to seek out one of the elusive male figures. We caught up with Tyrael in the woods.

Tyrael is sitting on a rock under some trees.

Deborah: Tyrael, what is your opinion of the "taking over the world" issue?

Tyrael: My opinion is this: I could do it better.

Deborah: Oh. So how do you manage to work with two, and sometimes even four, rather, shall we say, dominant girls?

Tyrael: There's a song with a line, "passive in the way I stand." Take this how you will.

Deborah: You've said before that you are in fact, not evil. Yet, you continue to work with people who are proud of their evil quality. Could you comment on this?

Tyrael: Evil is such a multifaceted word.

Deborah: *laughs nervously* Well, we can certainly see by your responses why the others refer to you as the silent type.

Tyrael: *beep* you.

Deborah: Um...yes...well...that appears to be unwelcome territory. Er...just say one thing about each Tri-Leader. Then we'll leave you alone.

Tyrael: Roseidous, where did he go anyway? Roses, where did she get her name, anyway? Ann, who is she, anyway? Holli, anyway? Tails, handcuffs. Are. Bad. Ahem. *Cough*

The lake.

Deborah: Tyrael truly is a person of many mysteries. We decided to try our luck again with the last of the female Tri-Leaders and turned to Tails, the youngest.

Tails is sitting in the classroom at camp. Written on the chalkboard behind her is a homework list. It reads, "1. Determine length of skirt needed for seduction lesson. 2. Convince Vic to get you a strange object of your choice because you need it. 3. Finish design for mural in the kitchen."

Deborah: Tails, how do you feel about taking over the world?

Tails: If I told you, my underground movement wouldn't be so underground anymore, would it? *gigglesnort* ...*beep*.

Deborah: You have a...? Nevermind. What is your weapon of choice and why?

Tails: Well, subatomic machine guns have their high points, but a cat o' nine tails is so much more delicate, don't you agree? *manic grin*

Deborah: Um, I suppose so. Can you tell us a little about life at Camp Milk and Cookies?

Tails: It's a great vacation resort for anyone who likes poison ivy and cross-dressing weasels...or was that hit men? *shrug*

Deborah: Finally, say one last thing about the Tri-Leaders. Feel free to say anything you want.

Tails: Do not open the lockbox. Whatever you do, PLEASE do not open the lockbox.

Lake. Last time. We hope.

Deborah: And there you have it. I'm sure you're all wondering about Roseidous. Our crews tried to reach him for an interview, but when we got to his cabin, the door was locked. Holli told us it was best not to disturb him, which was wise advice, I'm sure. These people really are crazy. Anyway, be sure to join us tomorrow for Part Two of the interview. We'll meet friends, enemies, and acquaintances of the people who call themselves the Tri-Leaders. This is Deborah Thompson. Have a great evening!

* * *

The Next Night

* * *

Voiceover: Last night, you were introduced to the Tri-Leaders, a small group of people determined to take over the world. We learned of their weapons, their associates, and their very strange personalities. Tonight, join our reporter, Deborah Thompson for Part Two of this special story.

The scene fades in to a typical interview room on any major news show. A single chair, illuminated by bright stage lights sits in a perfectly decorated room. Deborah, in a fashionable suit, sits in a chair directly across from it. The camera switches to her.

Deborah: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We will continue our in-depth look into the private lives of the Tri-Leaders. However, we must consider that they don't usually give straight answers and, when they do, the answers don't make much sense. Therefore, our team has turned elsewhere for the answers. We've gathered together a group of the Tri-Leaders' friends, their enemies, and people who are just acquainted with them to see what we can learn. Our first guest is none other than the worst enemy of the Tri-Leaders, John, Lord of Darkness (dum duumm duummm!!!).

John walks into the room and sits in the empty chair, adjusting his black cape.

Deborah: John, Lord of Darkness (dum dumm duuummm!!!), welcome! It is common knowledge that you openly defy and fight against the Tri-Leaders. What can you tell us about their plans?

John: What can I tell you? What can I tell you?!

Deborah: Yes, that's what I asked.

John: I can tell you limitless numbers of minute details of every aspect of their plans! I could fill volumes upon volumes upon volumes of information on every cog, every inner working of not just their plans, but their every thought, will and whim! There is nothing they do that I do not see! They cannot even open the refrigerator without me being aware of it! I am all, I am everywhere and I am always watching!!!!!!

Deborah: Oh. So what is your goal in fighting them?

John: Well, um, to take over the world! And be evil! And, um... get that five bucks that Rosey owes me... evilly!

Deborah: You know, the Tri-Leaders aren't scared of you. And isn't it true that they've won every time you've gone up against them?

John : No! Not true, to both! They shake at the very thought of me! And make this horrified "HAHAHAHAHAA!" noise! And I won once! The Hunt for the Tangerine Hologram Time Watch, on WhyDontYouEatYourVeggies! And, in a way, I almost, sort of triumphed for two seconds at the Newlywed Game!

Deborah: Yes. Well, what exactly do you plan to do once you take over the world?

John: ……Er... bask in my evil glory?…Oh, and be served by the entire human race! And have a big, big, big harem!

Deborah: Ahem.

John: Oh, and throw all the Tri-Leaders into their own Mines! And start an all Fi Fourth Season of So Weird! In which Annie DIES!!!!

Deborah: Yes, that's nice. Can you tell us some things about the Tri-Leaders. Anything you want, including embarrassing secrets they don't want the world to know.

John: YES!!!! YES!!!!!!!! This is it! This is my chance to finally, finally ruin them in the public eye! At last I will tear them down from their pedestals and leave them broken on the ground, looking up half-dazed as I step over them and into the future!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! !!!!!!!!!!!!…….. You want to hear something embarrassing, huh?

Deborah: Yes.

John: Well how about the time Roses... uh...um...Oh! Or the time that Roseidous went to ... er... uh...But surely you'll want to know about how Ann... um....Well... I'm sure at one point, at least one of them did something embarrassing! Er.... Ann had a madcap whirlwind affair with Ian?

Deborah: Did she really?

John: Well... no, that was actually her cousin Jan Chovy... but, um... hey! Ann has a twin cousin, who's on my side!

Deborah: That's certainly.....embarrassing....I guess.

John: Yes!

Deborah: Any last comments for the viewers?

John: YES! Yes. Remember, kids: Stay in school, don't do drugs, it's not how you love- it's who, evil is like tuna fish- when it turns on you it smells and vote for me, because if you don't, I'll rain down fire and pestilence on your heads! Have a nice day!

Deborah: Um.....Thank you for your time!

John leaves, but not before getting his cape stuck on the chair somehow, causing a cameraman to step over to help him. They finally get him unstuck, and the camera turns back towards Deborah.

Deborah: Our next guest is the name you've heard mentioned here and there. No one knows what side she's on, no one really knows where she comes from, and no one understands the time travel, genetic tampering thing anyway.

The camera switches back to the chair, which is now occupied by Katherine.

Deborah: Katherine, thanks for being here. How well do you know the Tri-Leaders and their secret plans to take over the world?

Katherine: Um...we're related! The Tri-Leaders and I, not their plans.

Deborah: Oh? Are you sure, we haven't heard anything about that.

Katherine: Yes, the plans and I aren't related. Not by blood, anyway.

Deborah: I see. I think So, what can you tell us about John, Lord of Darkness?

Katherine: I plead the fifth!

Deborah stares.

Katherine: ...Oh, John. Right. He likes to sing a lot, I hear. And build barricades.

Deborah: Yes, we did hear about that. Speaking of which, whose side are you really on? The world wants to know.

Katherine: Um...Which side? Why would I be choosing sides?

Deborah: I really don't know. Can you tell us any embarrassing secrets about the Tri-leaders?

Katherine: Rosey has a lockbox. But that is no secret. What is a secret, however, is that a giant spider was once living under Ann Chovi's bed. Subsequently, it ate my leg

Deborah: Oh, um...how terrible!

Katherine: Yes. *sage nod*

Deborah: Well, you seem to be okay.... I hope your recovery went well.

Katherine: I hope it did too. They never did tell me whether it did or not.

Deborah: Yes, well, um.... thank you for your time!

Katherine: No. Thank you. *Stifles evil cackle*

She gets up to leave, but turns toward the camera.

Katherine: I rigged the chair so that John's cape would get caught, you know. Watch out for the MIWC!! PM2 Forever!

She runs out of the room and slams the door. The camera returns to an obviously confused and lost Deborah.

Deborah (nervously): Well, I suppose that's what you get with live TV, huh? *cough* Let's move on to a hopefully somewhat calmer guest. I believe that Umar is ready?

The door opens and Umar calmly walks in and takes a seat. Deborah relaxes somewhat.

Deborah: Umar, we understand that you are a relatively new acquaintance of the Tri-Leaders. What can you tell us about their plans to take over the world?

Umar: Under my assumption, they are largely fluff. However, there are some projects... such as the notorious Project X, they have kept secret. Whether or not it bears any merit has yet to be seen.

Deborah : This is the first mention we've had of it so far.

Umar: Is that so?

Deborah: Yes. We'll ask around. Have you had any personal experience with the Oreos?

Umar: Only once.

Deborah: Are they really as dangerous as they seem?

Umar: It was a rather unfortunate incident, considering I had an idea of what the ramifications may have been. Suffice it to say, I was a feline for a short period of time before Roseidous gave me an antidote.

Deborah: Oh, so Roseidous isn't really as, shall we say, "unintelligent" as he appears?

Umar: No, I believe he uses the 'stupid' mask to divert attention from himself.

Deborah: Hmm, interesting theory. Can you tell us any embarrassing secrets about the Tri-Leaders? Things that shouldn't be revealed to the public?

Umar: Well, there is the whole story surrounding Roseidous and his alleged affairs with Sally. Sally, being a blow-up doll of... monstrous... proportions

Deborah: Um, yes, we've seen her. Any final comments for the viewers at home?

Umar: If the Tri-Leaders ever make it into power, best thing to do would be to ignore them... trust me, they'll go away :-)

Deborah: Wise advice. Thank you for your time!

Umar: Not a problem. Thank you.

He calmly gets up and leaves.

Deborah: Well, how's that for a voice of reason? That interview was definitely the eye in the middle of the hurricane on this project. Our next guest is a long-time friend of the Tri-Leaders. In fact, he even works with them on occasion. Then again, he sometimes works against them. Oh great, another Katherine. Did I say that out loud? Ahem. TAS-man, nice to see you!

TAS runs in, jumps over the chair, runs around it, and sits down.

Deborah: Ready now? Tell us how you met the Tri-Leaders.

TAS : Well it all started back in the war of 72 (and by that I mean last year in the Tri-Leader Saga), they wouldn't let me join. Oh, AND they were doing evil deeds, that was the main reason. ::coughyeahrightcough:: So I took it upon myself to protect the world from this evil plague of evilness and become their arch-nemesis.

Deborah: I thought that was John, Lord of Darkness

TAS: No, no, no, he only tries to take credit for all the bad things they do ::nod nod nod:: Do you have any Mountain Dew?

Deborah: I think so. In the dressing room. But first, can you tell us any embarrassing secrets about the Tri-Leaders?

TAS: Oh absolutely. Roseidous is a boy. How embarrassing is THAT? That freaking embarrasses the whole male gender! Hah! I'm so funny...::ahem:: And also (And I know this sounds unbelievable) my sources have told me that the Tri-Leaders still use nightlights ::snort::

Deborah: That's one of the best rumors we've heard so far. You've been a lot of help. Do you have any last comments?

TAS: Yes, remember: whenever there's evil lurking in the dark of the night, whenever there is some dastardly deed being done, Whenever Justice is threatened!- call Larryboy, he's a lot cooler and his jokes are actually funny... But if you want someone that at least acts like he knows what he's doing, flees in the face of danger, and takes all the credit when Cait-Dog saves the world…um, I mean screws up my plans to save the world...just call on- Dun Dun dun DUUUHN! TAS-man!!!

Deborah: Um...yes. Thanks

TAS: ::whispers:: So how'd I do?

Deborah: Just fine. Now, go enjoy that Mountain Dew.

TAS stands up, gives her and all of the cameramen and the lighting directors high-fives and runs out of the room.

Deborah: Obviously, he loves his Mountain Dew. Let's welcome our next guest, one who has experienced the evilness of the Tri-Leaders for himself, AniDog.

AniDog is now sitting in the chair. Or, rather, on the back of the chair. He climbed. Despite his name, he is a-well, a chimp.

Deborah: How did you come to meet the Tri-Leaders?

AniDog: It all started in a chat a long, long time ago...I can't quite remember the exact details. That is very suspicious in itself.

Deborah: Do you know of any secrets that can be revealed to the public about their plans to take over the world?

AniDog: Yes. If you eat an Oreo and are no longer quite the person you used to be, there's no hope for you.

Deborah: Our sources say that you have experienced the Oreos for yourself. What is that like?

AniDog: It is indeed the most wonderful curse imaginable.

Deborah: Wonderful, huh?

AniDog: Their taste is like nothing before. Once you've eaten Oreos, everything else seems bland. You'll get addicted to the creamy filling. But... well, let's just say I was once a dog. Now I'm a chimp. Go figure.

Deborah: Yes, we noticed. Any other thoughts about the Tri-Leaders? Any embarrassing rumors they don't want revealed to the viewing audience?

AniDog: If you see a weird guy with pink underpants on his head, it's only Rosey.

Deborah: Um...okay. Well, thanks for your time.

AniDog: You're positively welcome.

Deborah: We'd all like to thank our special guests. This has been an exclusive report by me, Deborah Thompson. And it has been my last for this station. Next week, I'll be moving up in the world and moving to the big city. I'm sure I'll cover all sort of exciting stories about people changing the world. Goodnight!