Game and Field Day
X-Raytor had called the meeting, and that, in and of itself, was odd. What he had called the meeting for was odder still.
"We have a problem." He said.
"Well, that's a change." Crystal muttered. In truth, there had been very few crimes over the past few days since Xiao's salvation. Another oddity.
"Me and some of the others agree that, well, the Justice League is getting weak." There was a low muttering. "No, no, listen. Over the past month, do you realize how many times we've been kidnapped, or how much the security of the Hall of Justice has been broken?"
There was a silence.
X-Raytor held up his fingers, counting off the times. "The time at Bo Power's cabin, brief as it was. The time at the grocery store. Both times the Green Penguin busted in here, unhindered. The Jarhead fight. When Neomatrix's ship landed without any sort of scrutiny. The unnoticed escapes of She-Man, Magic Finger, and the Super Model Clones. The kidnap at the end of the social. Xiao's recent kidnapping." He paused. "That's ten. Eleven, if you count the escapes of Magic Finger and the Super Model Clones as separate instances.
”This is a serious, serious problem, as you can tell. We're super heroes, people, and we're being captured and restrained by grocery store managers. Freakin' grocery store managers! This- this is a disgrace!"
Pinzz looked up, met his eyes, and watched him avert his gaze. "And what do you suggest we do about it, then?"
X-Raytor sighed. "I think- I think we should have a day off. A field day, sort of thing. Lots of games, friendly competition, you know, team work building stuff, as well as some fun on the side. There haven't been many crimes for a while, and with most of the big fish in jail, the police can probably handle the remainder." He shrugged helplessly. "It's just an idea."
"When you don't hear from the super villains, that is when you should be most afraid." Raven said.
Oreo frowned. "You took that from the Animorphs TV Show!"
"Did to! It was in the two part episode 'Changes'!"
"And you know this, how?"
Oreo Avenger paused, blinked. "Okay, so maybe I watch it too..."
"Yeah, okay, fine, b-" X-Raytor was cut off as Scarlett jumped up, out of her seat.
"Jesus Christ, Crystal!" She exclaimed.
"Calm down! My God, it was just an accident!" Crystal said.
"Does this look like an accident?" Scarlett exclaimed, holding up her arm, with had been frozen on one part.
"I didn't realize I was touching you! I was zoning out!"
"Oh, you were zoning out. Great group participation there, Icey."
Crystal stood up. "Now listen, you little-"
"See?!" X-Raytor demanded as loud as he could. Scarlett and Crystal stopped fighting. "See, this is what I mean. We can't react fast enough to save ourselves from every nut job who wants to ransom us, but when it comes to internal arguments, BAM! Up up and away!"
Xiao scoffed. "Oh, yeah, X-Raytor. And you've been so freakin' helpful."
X-Raytor clenched his fists and then sagged. "I know, I know. We all have. And that's why we need this. We need to learn to work together, to operate as one unit. We need a day off."
There was another brief silence.
"We should take a vote." Midnight Chatter said.
The vote went around the table, and passed with unenthusiastic unanimity.
"Come on, it'll be fun!" X-Raytor said.
A loud groan went up from the others.
"And there'll be free snacks!"
"Then what are we waiting for?" Superdude demanded. "Let's have a Field Day!"
We have Sorry, Monopoly, and Risk." Scarlett announced.
"I wanna play Twister!" X-Raytor complained.
"No, no, Sorry." Pinzz said.
After much arguing, they settled on Sorry and got the little pieces on the board.
"I wanted Blue!" Superdude whined.
"No, I got it." Dragon Girl said.
"Haha! One, two and three. Sorry, Crystal, I gotta bump ya."
Scarlett brought out crackers and cheese, and a cooler of Pepsi. We drank and ate.
"Twizzlers, anyone?" Dragon Girl asked.
Scarlett graciously accepted a Twizzler, but since she was not playing the game with the others (not enough pieces) she wandered into the Justice League Walk-In Closet. Most of her wardrobe had been moved to her cottage, but a few hundred dresses were still there, along with a couple hundred pairs of sexy red heels.
She walked over to the phone that sat on the counter of the bathroom adjoining the Justice League Walk-In Closet. She picked it up and called Hamlet.
He was still over there, supervising the enormous clean-up job from the 1st annual Justice League social. Not only that, but Hamlet had to find a new gondola man; Guido Ravioli quit after the disgusting display Pinzz and X-Raytor (Neary and James) put on during that ill-fated white-water gondola ride.
After confirming various things with Hamlet, and he assuring Scarlett that the cottage would be back to normal in the next day or two, she called Eli Woods back to confirm their date for tonight.
Then she called the Hot Scottish Guy and confirmed their plans for this morning--he was going to take her horse riding in the countryside, and help her pick out some horses for the stables she planned to build near her cottage.
Once she was done with her various phone calls, she glanced at the clock and decided she should go ahead and get ready for horse riding.
Xiao wasn't participating well in the spontaneous board game activities. Not only was she out of it since being kidnapped, she was depressed that Fred had so easily advised someone to kill her. When she said as much, Fred burst into a rant.
"I wouldn't have him kill you! After all, if your dead, I'm not exactly sure what would happen to me. Although, it can't be much worse than being stuck in a bottle while lesser beings siphon off your power, and you can't get out, and...." He coughed. "Anyway, I thought you didn't like any of them."
"Well, not really. But still. They're my only friends-er...in a sense. Plus, where would I go?" Seeing that this was not working on the king, she tried a different tactic. "You can't start an evil organization from scratch, you know. I mean, imagine what kind of contacts you could meet with me here. Finger, for example. Or, uh...hmmm. We don't seem to have as many evil super villains as I thought, ever since we got rid of that Green Penguin."
"Yes, well, that's crime these days for you. In my day, we plotted for days before pulling a job! Not to mention the fact that everyone bowed down to my authority even though they knew I was an evil being. Except for that hero, who stuck me in that wretched bottle!"
"That reminds me. You told me you were in that bottle for three weeks. But you've obviously been in there for longer or I would've heard of you before this." Xiao examined the shadow.
"Well...ah...three weeks, three hundred centuries, it's all the same, isn't it?" Fred fidgeted. "Okay, okay, I was stuck in a bottle for over a thousand years, alright? Well...try three thousand. I was realized several times on accident, but never gained enough power to regain my own shape before someone returned me to my cursed prison. But no one's stopping me this time!" He laughed evilly, and tried to change the subject. "Why don't you go hang out with, uh... Midnight Chatter?!" He became fairly solid and shoved her in his direction.
"Oh, hi Xiao! What's up? Man, I hope you're okay. I mean, I've been kidnapped and held against my will several times, but it's never easier. And I hear this is your first. Well, I hope they didn't torture you. Or, one time, there was this guy and he actually rap-"
"Hi MC! Let's play Clue!" Xiao interrupted him hurriedly. Every once in awhile he started to ramble again, although he didn't very often. She found the box for the game, and slammed it down on the table. While she shuffled the cards, he picked Mr. Green, and she played as Mrs. Peacock (who actually is closest to a room entrance. Count the squares! Either that, or Mrs. White.). Fred played too, as Col. Mustard.
The sun smiled in the sky. Birds twittered in the trees around the park. Somewhere, some sickeningly sweet music was playing. It was the perfect day for a murder.
Oreo Avenger looked up at her final adversary. Doctor Lucky and she were finally alone in the Carriage House together. Time to whip out her secret weapon and finish off the slimy old codger.
"Ah HA! Loud Noise in the carriage house is worth 8 points!" she yelled, slamming down the card.
Rosma calmly glanced at her and laid down three cards. "Look at that. Failed again."
"No way! You were all out of Failure cards!"
"I was bluffing."
They were the only two left playing Kill Doctor Lucky. All the other competitors had been killed early in the game. Oreo Avenger knew she could win this. There were absolutely no Failure cards left. If only she and Dr. Lucky could get alone in a room together, she could smack him with the Duck Decoy and be done with it. Only a couple more turns. She had a plan.
Unfortunately, Rosma also had a plan. A Movement card got Doctor Lucky into the armory, where Rosma was alone with him. "And now," she said, laying down a final card, "I win. The Civil War Cannon in the Armory finishes him off."
"Fine, lets play another game. You've won this one five times." Looking through the game collection, Oreo Avenger read off titles. "There's Witch Trial, or we can play Get Out, or the always enjoyable Before I Kill You, Mister Bond."
Rosma thought for a moment. "I'm in a prosecuting mood."
"Okay, Witch Trial it is!" Oreo Avenger waved at some of the other superheroes. "We're starting a new game! Anyone want to join in?"
Scarlett and the Hot Scottish Guy rode through the forest at a nice trot. Scarlett had a beautiful dappled grey horse, while the Hot Scottish Guy had a chestnut quarter horse.
Eventually, they arrived at a quaint little meadow. It looked like something out of Sleeping Beauty or something. There was a glistening silver lake, lined with trees. After a picnic of white chocolate strawberries and roasted chicken(Scarlett used her powers to start a fire to cook w/), the Hot Scottish Guy held out his hand to Scarlett.
"May I have this dance?" They danced for a little while, and then something occurred to Scarlett.
"This would be the perfect place for all those field day games X-Raytor, Midnight, and Violet were discussing! Let me call them," she said, pulling out her silver cell phone.
X-Raytor picked up the phone. "I know what you and Pinzz did last fall," Scarlett said in a creepy voice, just to freak him out.
"What? What did we do? Did we--Wait, how did you get this number? Who are you?" X-Raytor asked, his voice pitched slightly higher than normal.
"X-Raytor? It's Scarlett," she said.
"What? But you said--"
Scarlett laughed. "Just joking. The only one who knows anything about you and Pinzz last fall is Hamlet, who's got the surveillance tape from that week in his hidden stash of blackmail."
There was a brief pause on the other end as X-Raytor tried to sort through the information. Finally, "So why did you call?"
"I found the perfect spot for the Field Day Games," she said, and then gave him directions. He said the others would be there soon.
The Hot Scottish Guy watched Scarlett as she hung up. "So, I guess I'll see you next week then? I'll take you to Silent Jim's Stables, and then we can find some horses for those stables Hamlet's having built this week." With that, he departed on his horse after giving Scarlett a chaste kiss on her forehead.
Scarlett frowned as he left. Her forehead? He kissed her forehead? She sighed, and picked up her cell phone again.
"Hello? May I please speak to Eli?"
"You already are, Scarlett," he said, grinning on the other end of the line. She explained that he'd have to pick her up a little later tonight, so she would have time to drop the horse off , play a few field day games, take a shower, and change clothes quickly before they went dancing.
This was fine with Eli; while he didn't say so out loud, he was a little nervous about their date tonight. Just as Scarlett finished her conversation with Eli, she sighted the various members of the Justice League in the far-off distance.
In particular, she noticed X-Raytor walking next to Pinzz, trying repeatedly (and unsuccessfully) to put his arm around her as they came closer. Scarlett laughed to herself. "He's still got Neary Issues," she muttered with grin.
“Okay, people, move it outside, the outdoor fun is ready!” Rosma said, a few hours later. “Let’s go! Everyone out!”
The Justice League, some grumbling, gathered on the back lawn.
And X-Raytor said:
“Let there be tug-of-war!”
And it was good.
Well, sort of. First, all the people with powers that gave them the advantage went over on to one team (Midnight Chatter, with his fledgling telekinetic powers, OMEGA, Pinzz, DragonGirl, in dragon form, Oreo Avenger, who had turned herself into Vin Diesel courtesy of her Oreos, SuperDude, Crystal Freeze and Twisk) while the others, who did not have advantages in the fields of strength or speed (X-Raytor, Rosma Galak, Raven, Xiao, Scarlett, Eric, and Ms. Crabby-Pants, ahem, Violet Princess) formed the other team. Neomatrix/Llama Boy/The Lump was chosen to be the referee, since he had no definable arms.
“This isn’t fair!” X-Raytor said. “You guys out man and outgun us!”
“You’re just angry because you aren’t on ‘Neary’s’ team!” Twisk said.
“Can you please stop calling me that?” Pinzz muttered.
“He has Neary Issues!” Crystal, Scarlett, and DragonGirl cried in unison.
“I do not!”
“I live for this s***!” Oreo Avenger exclaimed with Vin Diesel’s mouth. Everyone stared at her. “Uh, sorry, I’m getting these strange impulses to quote xXx.”
“Um…ok… Anyway, we need to do these teams again!” X-Raytor said. “Teamwork means working with your entire team, and that means that we need to mix and match, try and get powers that usually cancel each other out to work together and come out even stronger! Come on, what do you say?”
Oreo Avenger gave him a hard look. “About this time, my kind of people would say: ‘Kiss my ass, scarface!’”
“Can you please stop doing that?”
“Yeah!” Crystal agreed. “Start quoting The Fast and the Furious!”
“Or the Fast and the Furious 2!” Netic said. “So that we can get a sneak peek!
“Hey! That reminds me!” Midnight Chatter said. “Did you hear that Ludacris is going to be in The Fast and the Furious 2? Uh huh, he is. Rappers seem to be popping up in every movie nowadays… You know, there was actually a kid in my class who looked like Ludacris, and we called him Ludacris-”
Eric made a face. “Fast and the Furious smelled, and the sequel will too. If you’re going to quote an upcoming Vin Diesel movie, quote Knockaround Guys. At least that looks halfway good!”
“Ooooh! Yeah! That has Dustin Hoffman and Seth Green in it!” DragonGirl exclaimed.
“Seth Green ruled in Rat Race.” SuperDude said sagely.
“Did you know that Seth Green was originally up for the role of Jay in Mallrats?” Midnight Chatter interjected.
“I knew that!” Raven said. “I watched all the director’s commentaries for the Jersey Chronicles!”
“I liked Dogma the best.” Rosma said.
“Because it had Alan Rickman!” Scarlett said.
“It means you have bad taste in guys.” Xiao said.
“I do not!”
“You like Ryan Merriman.” Xiao said.
“He was great in that one movie!”
“Well he sucked in Smart House. And The Luck of the Irish. And I wanted to drown his dolphin-loving butt in A Ring of Endless Light.”
“Those were Disney Channel movies! Anything by Disney Channel is bad!”
“Now hold on!” X-Raytor said. “Disney made So Weird and had the limited good sense to hire Cara DeLizia for the first two seasons!”
Rosma, Raven, Oreo and Scarlett all exchanged looks and X-Raytor mentally smacked himself.
“X-Raytor’s got a crush on Fiiiiiiiiiiii!” They sang.
“At least I don’t have a crush on Elijah Wood or Ewan McGregor!”
Scarlett and Rosma immediately fell silent.
“Did he just mess with my Ewan?” Scarlett asked.
“Yeah, just like he messed with my Elijah.” Rosma said.
“Should we beat him up?”
“Worse. We should dress him up in girl’s clothing.”
“And make him perform Moulin Rouge all by himself.”
“Er, hey! Time to play!” X-Raytor said, jumping back. “Let’s do Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe to figure out the teams!”
“You can’t hide from us forever.” Scarlett said.
“We know where you live.” Rosma agreed.
And so, X-Raytor said:
“Let there be Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe!”
And it was good.
On one team were X-Raytor, Rosma, Scarlett, OMEGA, SuperDude, Netic, DragonGirl and Violet. On the other were Oreo Avenger, Raven, Midnight Chatter. Eric, Twisk, Pinzz, Crystal, and Xiao The lay the long, tick rope across a mud puddle in the middle of the field, and each team took up their respective ends.
“I want to remind you all,” Scarlett said. “That if my dress gets muddy, I will kill you.”
“Baaaaahglablgdfd!” Neomatrix/Llama Boy/Lump said, which, they assumed, mean “Go!”
On the one side, Omega used his telekinesis to increase the strength of his pull, while SuperDude, at the end of the line, used his speed to pull the rope, up to the point where he was running in place, kicking up dirt all over his teammates, while DragonGirl, in dragon form, yanked at the rope with her scaly arms, and X-Raytor, Rosma, Scarlett, Netic, and Violet pulled with all of their strength.
On the other side, Oreo Avenger/Vin Diesel’s foot long biceps bulged, Midnight Chatter, pissed off at not being able to continue his conversation about the kid who looked like Ludacris, used his telekinesis in the same way as Omega, Twisk used her speed in the same way as SuperDude and tried to weigh down the rope a little by seeping water into it, while Pinzz, after activating her blue suit, pulled with her stretchable fingers, and Raven, Eric, Crystal, and Xiao (who was receiving no help from Fred) pulled with their ordinary old arms.
After about five minutes, the rope snapped, and both sides flew backwards, Twisk and SuperDude shooting off like rubber bands. X-Raytor realized that his head was practically under Violet’s skirt.
“I think we should just lie here for a moment and reflect…” He said, a moment before Violet whacked him with a stick.
“Maybe we should try another game…” Pinzz said.
“We could do the three-legged race!” SuperDude said, speeding back to them.
“Or steel cage tag team matches!” Eric said.
“The things I’ll do for my country,” Oreo Avenger/Vin Diesel said, leering at a Polish party girl who wasn’t really there.
“Let’s just feed her an Oreo before she reenacts the rest of that scene…” Rosma said with a grimace.
X-Raytor’s eyes widened, and he opened his mouth to say something- but then Crystal froze it shut, and they moved on to the next competition.
She didn't really WANT to participate in any of the more physical field day games, like the three-legged race, or the marathon (where Crystal had their team pull ahead to win when she froze the other contestants), but Fred did, and remembering his comment about possessing her and making her do things she would definitely regret later, Xiao went along with it.
But when they decided the girls should have a mud-wrestling-tag-team match, Xiao drew the line. Fortunately, none of the other girls would either, and so she managed to get past it.
"Okay! Okay! I know what we need to do next!!!!" Twisk practically shrieked. "TREASURE HUNT!"
"With teams?" Scarlett sounded skeptical. "Won't that be difficult?"
"No, it's easy!" Xiao said, excited. She'd always loved treasure hunts, except when they had to gather things like spiders, which were the only thing under the sun she was afraid to touch for no reason. "Okay, if somebody doesn't play, they hide the items, and then the rest of us find them and whoever finds them all first, or gets the most, wins! Ha!"
Eric, Hamlet, and several other superheroes declined the offer to play treasure hunt, and decided to do something else whilst everyone else was busy after hiding the items. When they were ready, they split into four groups, and began looking....
"Has anyone seen my Oreo satchel?" Oreo Avenger/Vin Diesel asked the remaining superheroes. She'd been looking for it ever since the treasure hunt started. It held her Turn-Back Oreo.
Eric and Hamlet shrugged, and got back to arguing over the best way to build a fire. Eric thought they should douse the wood in gasoline and then throw a match on it. Hamlet, tail violently lashing back and forth, obviously disagreed.
Oreo Avenger clenched her giant Vin Diesel hands together and kept looking. She couldn't just conjure up another Oreo. Only Oreo Avenger had those powers and since she didn't have her normal body, she didn't have that particular power.
Looking toward the trees where she left her satchel, she saw X-Raytor rubbing his still numb lips. He would know what was going on. He'd better.
"ARG!" she screamed, flying over. She grabbed the unsuspecting X-Raytor and slammed him against the nearest tree. And since, deep inside, she was still Oreo Avenger, she looked around for some rope, duct tape, and a chicken.
"What do you know?" she growled, holding his neck.
"Eep! Um, I mean, hi, Oreo. So, I noticed you're not your normal self today. Can I interest you in-"
"Shut up!" Oreo Avenger slammed her fist into the tree next to his head. Ow. That hurt more than she expected. "You have no idea how much testosterone Vin Diesel goes through. Right now, I not only want to rip your arms from your body, but I also am feeling very unladylike towards the poor Violet Princess over there. So," leaning close to X-Raytor's face, she whispered, "where is my Turn-Back Oreo?"
X-Raytor looked around franticly. Eric and Hamlet's fire argument seemed to involve all of the other superheroes that currently weren't on the treasure hunt. He was on his own. The only clear course was to blame someone else.
"It was Crystal!" he squeaked out.
"Um . . . don't hit me! Crystal said she could get Neary and me back together. Back to our former blissful love. Back to our long . . . talks." X-Raytor sobbed. "I miss my Neary!"
Oreo Avenger tightened her grip on him.
"Oh yes, anyway . . . um . . . I can't concentrate with no air getting to my brain! Whew, that's better. So Crystal dared me to eat an Oreo from your satchel, but there was only one, and I ate it, and nothing happened, and so I threw it in the woods, and EEP! Don't hit me!"
"I'll be right back," she said, taking off. She'd need to get her hairbrush from HQ to get a hair sample, and then she'd need some sodium and some hydrochloric acid from the lab, but first, she'd have to find her satchel.
She landed in front of a group of treasure hunting superheroes. "A new item has been added. You need to look for my Oreo satchel." She flew off before they could say anything. They'd find the satchel with all her special ingredients while she gathered the other necessary stuff. And, hopefully, she'd be able to turn herself back before she did anything . . . unladylike.
"Stop doing that!" Pinzz said, chomping on a potato chip. Some of the League had taken a break from the treasure hunt to have snacks back at the Hall.
"What?" X-Raytor said.
"That dumb smile! It makes you look like a chipmunk on crack."
He did it again. She smacked him on the back of his head as Crystal watched in the distance. He had come out of the bathroom reeking of cologne and gel. His hair looked better but not much else. Apparently, some of the girls had given him a makeover. Pinzz turned on the TV. Emeril. Simpsons. The Man Show. Wild On. Big Brother. Mad TV.
"Hey ya know, Near....Pinzz, I like your shoes." he said.
Scarlett walked into the room with Krispy Kreme.
She offered everyone a donut; Pinzz didn’t want one.
"Me neither." X Raytor put his back.
She stared and took one. He changed his mind and grabbed one.
"What are you doing?!" Pinzz said.
"NEARY ISSUES!" Oreo exclaimed.
Pinzz nearly chocked on my donut. "Really, X-Raytor, this is starting to get awkward. It has to stop."
"Let’s hypnotize him." Twisk suggested.
"What?" Crystal said.
"We can so get to the root of the issues."
X-Raytor looked at himself in the mirror. He definitely looked better. He was smooth, he was handsome, he was...
...Uh... what was he? Was that even him? He looked over his shoulder, with naked eyes. No, no, that was him all right. So... why didn't he look like him?
Well, that was the purpose of a make over, right? Look different? Change from something lesser to something better? And it was better. His unruly, dark brown hair was gone, replaced with hair that was smooth and black, with red tips. His regular casual clothes were gone, replaced by a more stylish pair. His eyepieces were gone, leaving his clear, blue eyes unhindered.
The self-loathing was still there.
He looked much better, yes, but he was still weak, pathetic, easily tempted X-Raytor. The X-Raytor who had gotten half the Hall of Justice destroyed by the Green Penguin. The X-Raytor who had failed to escape imprisonment twice. The X-Raytor who had stared at the Super Model Clones like a coma patient, as they had nearly slaughtered his teammates. The same X-Raytor had mutated his family and friends and E-
Guilt is a bitch, isn't it? The echo from a long time ago said.
And now he had abandoned his normal self, the self he'd been, more or less, born as, to win over a girl who had only liked him when she was an amnesiac.
And it hadn’t even worked! Now he was going to let himself be hypnotized, just to make himself the man they wanted him to be.
Being hypnotized wasn't going to get rid of the guilt. It probably wouldn't even get rid of the memories. Especially not the ones of... of Ebony. Those were burned onto his soul.
You're a failure. You're a failure, and you're ugly, and your homemade cookies SUCK ASS the little voice said.
"Okay, I've got the stuff!" Twisk said, walking in with a watch on a chain, some narcotics, and a book entitled "Hypnotism for Dummies." Pinzz and Crystal watched from the couch, while Oreo Avenger/Vin Diesel paced angrily. She still hadn't found the Oreo satchel, nor had anyone who was still on the treasure hunt.
"What should we remake him to be?" Someone- Crystal, maybe? X-Raytor was sort of tuned out...
He cringed at the word remake. Goodbye being a pervert. Goodbye being a doofus. Goodbye being self centered, goofy, awkward and somewhat cowardly.
"He should be suave!" Twisk said.
"He should tell good jokes!" Crystal chimed in.
"He should always want to rub my feet!" Pinzz said.
X-Raytor looked over at them, unconsciously realizing that radiation had been pouring from his eyes since Crystal had uncovered them for his makeover. "Don't I have any say in this?"
They all looked at him.
"Well, frankly, no, because you're still the old you. The bad you. Bad you doesn't know what's right for good you. We do!"
They went back to talking.
"Actually, I think I do have a say." X-Raytor said.
Pinzz, Crystal, Twisk, and even Oreo/Vin turned to look at him. He wasn't supposed to argue, this wasn't in the script.
"I don't want to change." He said. "I like being the egocentrical pervert that I am."
The little voice said something, but X-Raytor could barely hear it.
Crystal made a face. "Yeah, but that's not how you get your Pin- er, Near- er, whatever back."
"And you do want your Neary back, right?" Twisk supplied.
X-Raytor looked over at Pinzz. "Well, it occurs to me- why? She only liked me when she was an amnesiac, and then she abandoned me the second she came back. She didn't even call me by my real name!"
"You didn't stop me!" Pinzz argued.
"No, I didn't. I didn't care, then. Then you didn't want me to change into... into..." He threw a hand at the mirror in disgust. "A Tommy Hilfiger ad! So no, you may not hypnotize me, or make me over, or turn me into anything else than what I want to be, and that's my normal, old, perfectly flawed self."
Crystal shrugged. "Your choice. I just thought it would help."
"Hey, don't get me wrong! It's a great makeover job. I may just be the next best thing, but not quite me!" He paused, and Crystal's eyes widened.
"You wouldn't da-"
"Cause I'm X-Raytor!
The real X-Raytor!
All you other X-Raytors
Are just imitating!
So won't the real X-Raytor please stand up?
Please stand up?
Please stand u-"
One of Vin Diesel's massive arms grabbed X-Raytor by the throat, and shook him like a dead tulip.
"NO EMINEM!!!!" Oreo Avenger/Vin Diesel roared.
"Eckay!" X-Raytor managed. and Oreo/Vin dropped him.
"Told you Eminem only leads to trouble..." Crystal muttered.
"I'm... going to go take a shower now, and wash all of this out of my hair. What should I do with the clothes?"
Crystal shrugged. "Give them back, I guess. I'll try to get Eric to wear them."
After he left, they all sighed.
"I'm glad that's over." Pinzz muttered.
"Well, at least he's going to shower..." Twisk said.
"Hey! That's right!" Crystal said. "I guess something good came of this after all! Now, time for some good old fashioned TV viewing!"
"I don't think so, ladies..." Oreo/Vin said, smirking. "We've got a certain Oreo satchel to look for." She cracked her walnut sized knuckles.
The three groaned, but then Oreo lifted them bodily in the air, said:
"Consider yourself a tough guy."
And carried them out the door, down to the field grounds.
Raven had left JL headquarters to pay a visit to John Lansky, local therapist.
"So tell me about Raven. It is an interesting nickname. How did you choose it, Katherine?"
"I see." said Lansky, pressing his fingertips together. Raven hated that. It was so...therapist.
"I don't want you to be shy, Katherine. Consider me your friend."
Something about the way Lansky said it made Raven think of the words "Fry end." She shook her head. What was she thinking? Lansky made careful note of the way she shook it.
Pinzz swung through the trees, searching for the lost Oreo satchel. Suddenly, FWOOSH! She was caught up in the air. Stupid trap. She turned and looked up. There was a bottle of olive oil that would fall on top of her, if the rope were broken. On the ground below her sat the satchel.
"That was Pinzz." Twisk said. She squirted a bottle of water into the air, hopped on, steadied herself, and glided towards the sound, with Scarlett in bird morph.
She stopped when she saw Pinzz hanging upside down by both legs. She was lying perfectly still. A bottle of olive oil hung up side down, threatening to fall on her.
"It is okay, Pinzz." Twisk said. “We’ll save you.”
Crystal and X-Raytor walked into the clearing.
"Near..Pinzz!" X Raytor cried.
"Don't touch her!" Twisk said, and stepped cautiously towards the other girl.
"Look out!" someone cried.
Twisk fell, tripped by a wire strung between two rocks. She hit her head on a rock was knocked out.
Ouch, Crystal thought turning her attention to Pinzz. One drop of olive oil landed on her suit. Crystal quickly froze the rest.
"Ooooooh!" Pinzz cried as she escaped the rope and the olive oil sizzled through her suit.
"Grab the satchel." She ordered.
X-Raytor grabbed. "Are you ok, Pinzz?"
"What’s wrong with Twisk?" she asked.
Crystal knelt down beside her. She had some blood trickling down the side of her head where she hit the rock. Crystal slapped her face lightly. Her eyes fluttered She frowned.
"Ow." she said.
The group took the satchel back to the lawn and handed it over to a relieved Oreo.
“Do you hear that?” Crystal asked. “That beeping sound?”
A huge cage locked down around the whole Justice League.
"CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE MAAAAAAAAAAAAATCH!" An obnoxiously loud voice boomed.
The Justice Leaguers looked up from trying to break through the cage- which, despite their powers, would not yield- and saw two figures standing outside of the cage.
"Oh no, not again..." Oreo Avenger muttered.
"Um... who are these guys?" Netic asked.
Oreo Avenger sighed and pointed at the one in the super villain-style overcoat and backwards turned cap- "That's the Silencer."
She gestured at the other, shorter one, wearing the snowcap- "And that's his sidekick, Loud Mouth."
"That's right! BOOOONG!" Loud Mouth exclaimed, and the Silencer nodded. Then Loud Mouth's eyes narrowed. "Wait a second, why am I the side kick?" He demanded.
X-Raytor cocked his head. "Well, um, he does have a 'the' in front of his name, and you don't..."
"And indefinite articles have always been a sign of power." Xiao agreed.
"SILENCE!!" Loud Mouth boomed, and the ground shook. "This is f***ing bulls***! I'm the crime master here! Not you, not this tubby b****, ME! I make this s*** WORK! I am the crime commander!!!!"
Rosma, obviously ignoring everything he'd just said, frowned. "Wait, aren't you two supposed to be locked up in our holding center?"
"Well, we were," Loud Mouth admitted. "But then that Jughead-"
The Silencer nudged him and made round gestures above his head.
"Oh yeah, Jarhead, sorry. Anyway, when that Jarhead dude came in and started busting the Hall up like a high school kegger, our cell got broken open. So we hauled our asses out of there and plotted our revenge!"
The Silencer nudged him again.
"Oh, yeah, but first we pissed on all of your toilet paper rolls so that they got all big and s***."
"See!" X-Raytor said. "I told you it wasn't me!"
"I've got a question," Scarlett said. "How did you know we were going to be here?"
Loud Mouth shook his head. "Well duh, didn't you recognize the name of the stables over there- 'Silent Jim's Stables'?"
"So! So Silent Jim was the Silencer's name before he fell into that vat of acid!"
The Silencer smacked him upside the head.
The Silencer gave him an incredulous look.
"It doesn't matter if they know our real names! Look, see, I'll tell them mine," He turned and looked at the Justice Leaguers. "My real name's Ian." Then he turned back to the Silencer. "See! No, lunch box, you don't get it! It doesn't matter what the supervillain's alter-ego is, most people know them anyway!"
The Silencer gestured.
"Why do super heroes keep their real names secret? Well that's easy! They've got family and friends that sick, ruthless f***s like me and you would use against them! We, on the other hand, are the dregs of society, we don't have any friends or family... well, not usually, but you know..."
"Ahem," Pinzz said. "Could you please tell us why you have us locked up?"
Loud Mouth grinned. "Wasn't I clear enough before? CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE MAAAAAAAAAAAAATCH!"
"You guys are going to fight each other in pre-determined two person matches, while we video tape it for the boss' sick amusement!"
"Tubby here came up with the plan." He said, jerking his thumb at the Silencer. "He's, like, a technological genius! Motherf***er's like McGuyver! No-"
"We know, we know," Rosma sighed. "He's better than McGuyver."
"Yeah... hey, that's my line!"
"Wait... I thought all crime was stopped!" Twisk said.
"Yeah, well, this isn't crime," Loud Mouth said. "It's a wrestling match! It's perfectly legal!"
"And if we don't fight?"
"Well then we'll use these." Loud Mouth said, and the Silencer held up Oreo Avenger's satchel.
"Hey! How'd you get that?"
"You dropped it when we dropped the cage."
"Isn't forcing us to fight against our will a crime?" Midnight Chatter asked.
"We're not forcing you! You just happen to have no other choice, seeing how the cage is designed to not break under your powers. Now, tons of fun, set up the video camera! LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUMBLLLLLLLE!!!!!!"
"Couldn't I fight someone else?" X-Raytor asked.
"Nope," Loud Mouth said, smirking. "After everything that's happened, we decided this would be the most fun opponent to set you up with."
"Thanks a lot," X-Raytor muttered.
The cage had divided itself. One section was now separated from the bigger part, and it held the rest of the Justice Leaguers. X-Raytor stood in the bigger part, alone except for his opponent.
She grinned. "This might actually be fun!"
Loud Mouth spoke again, "Now listen, these are the rules of the match- there are none! Let's get it on!"
Pinzz tapped the activator behind her ear and her blue suit covered her. X-Raytor immediately wished for the flexibility of his usual, black suit. He's have to make do in his casual clothes now.
Pinzz extended her right hand and her fingers shot out like five whips. X-Raytor reacted quickly, jumping into the air as the fingers shot under him. He mentally turned the force one his x-ray up a few notches and fired a pair of red laser beams at her hand- not a maiming blow, of course, just enough to shock her.
Pinzz jerked her hand back, but the lasers hit her index and middle fingers. She grimaced as the sharp pain reached her nerves, but then fired the fingers on her left hand.
X-Raytor wasn't as fast this time. Her fingers wrapped around him, held his arm to his sides. She flexed her fingers, like cracking a whip, and hurled X-Raytor into the other side of the cage.
X-Raytor hit the bars and dropped to the ground like a stone.
Pinzz leapt into the air, using her fingers to hurl herself with extra force. X-Raytor painfully scrambled to his feet, tried to move.
Pinzz nailed him, wrapped her fingers around him like ropes, holding him to the bars.
"Listen," She hissed. "I have a plan."
"Don't worry, you'll know what to do." And then, louder, "I'm going to rip your spleen out and feed it to you, you radioactive freak!"
"Yeah! Now that's what I like to hear!" Loud Mouth said. It was then that Pinzz let go of X-Raytor, and, in one, fluid movement, shot her fingers through the bars and grabbed Loud Mouth. She dragged him back, forced his head through the bars, and held his mouth shut.
"X-Raytor!" She snapped.
X-Raytor realized what was going on and started to heat up his eyes. "One extra crispy stoner, coming right up!"
Pinzz looked at the Silencer. "He will do it, you know. I'd let us out if I were you."
Loud Mouth turned his head a little and tried to yell something that sounded like "DO IT! DO IT!"
The Silencer's face flashed anger, and then dropped in defeat, and he hit a button. The cage collapsed. Immediately, all of the Justice Leaguers rushed the two in unison.
Pinzz flogged them with her fingers. Rosma punched them. Netic kicked them in the No-No spot. Violet made herself appear to be Richard Simmons naked, and took away their resolve (and their control over their bladders). SuperDude tackled them at high speed. OMEGA picked them up and dropped them a few times. Midnight Chatter described a vasectomy operation to them. Fred turned himself ino a shadowy HAMMER, and Xiao used him to whack them. DragonGirl turned into a dragon and danced on top of them. Twisk drenched them with a firehose blast of water, and then shocked them. Crystal froze them, and Scarlett thawed them out, but ended up burning them a little as well. Netic picked up the pieces of the now harmless cage and beat them over the head with it. X-Raytor zapped them on a low- but quite painful- setting. Finally, Oreo Avenger force-fed them Oreos, and they turned into a pair of pink snails.
When it was over, they stood in shocked silence.
"Wow." Rosma finally said. "X-Raytor was right- we are much stronger when we all work together!"
"And when Studmuffin isn't here." Raven muttered.
"Good idea, X-Y!" Twisk said.
"EWWWWWW!!!!!" X-Raytor cried. "They're snails! They're slimy and icky and GROSS!!!!"
Pinzz sighed. "Let's just go home. I need a shower. And a nap."
And that's just what they did.